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My reflection is this: none of these things are important: these images, these names, these places, these events -- all that is real is this sadness that hangs over it all -- even in the smiling pictures, in the kissing moments, in the insistences of peace, in the denials of wanting to fly, in the sorrows of loss, in the fulfillment of desire -- every picture, every glimpse, every shadow of every soul seems to be suffering from the same exact thing…separation. Why do we all seem so separated from something…from each other…from some heavenly delight…some beautiful unattainable something that we never can quite catch or identify or know that we are even looking for I don't even want to think about something as silly as prejudice. Even if I think of everyone as all being the same, as all being a part of this same suffering, this same longing…I know I don't know how to talk to people. What can I say to them? How can I speak to them? Or say who I am, or what I am, and where I am going, or what I want -- why should I say any of that? I would feel ridiculous, this way I feel now.
I do not feel equal to them -- these people in these pictures, or these people who share their stories. I do not feel part of their experience, even if they share it with me. I hardly want to share my own (even if part of me does -- it does not know how). I think that is something I could say about myself -- that I do not even know my own attitude, or how or why to change it or what to do with it. I want to learn, I want to understand… But I feel inadequate to the task. People have so much, and it is like trying to put it all into a tiny vessel… Who can hold it?
If there was a way, or a reason, or a guide -- that would be one thing… An approach to life -- this life that leads in so many different directions for so many people and yet always reads the same way -- and ends the same way…with some longing. Is there a Heaven? Is there a God? Someone to confide in? Someone to pray to? Someone to watch over all of us? Someone to help us get along? Someone to teach us patience, charity, love, forgiveness, mercy, justice? Someone to strengthen us? Someone to show us what is right and what is wrong? Someone to bear our burdens, someone to bury our sadness in? Someone to model our behavior on? Yes, I believe there is such a God -- He was taught to me, and I try to seek Him out, even when I turn away from Him and want to seek out what I think will make me happy elsewhere, ways to comfort myself when I too become depressed. What I find never comes close to fulfillment, never solves the mystery of what all of this means… We try to escape from what -- reality? -- and try to close ourselves off from all of it… I see the sun, or I see the sky, or the leaves on the trees, or the birds… I cannot help but think how wonderful all of it is… Can I think the same when I look on all of the different people around me? Can I not remember that there is a God over all of them too? A God for all of them too? That we are all His? That we are all to love one another -- however -- as we love ourselves… Can we love God, too? These are things I wonder, and I do not know if they answer the question on prejudice, or solve the problem of my own prejudice -- but I think they must play a part… For if you attempt to see God in others, how can you still be prejudiced? That is what I must remember…even when I am scared, or frightened, or disgusted, or made angry. We all must come before God… I want to be as though I were before Him now.[continue]
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