Tone of the Memo Is Too Casual.

¶ … tone of the memo is too casual. Instead of setting up the memo with empty, 'filler' comments such as the fact that the poster found the topic fascinating, she should 'get right to the point' about what she believes she learned about workplace violence. She also restates information that the reader already knows, such as the fact that she was the 'rep' for the company at the event.

The memo contains many extraneous, subjective comments such as when a candidate for employment withdraws him or herself from consideration for a job that surely means he or she has something to hide. That is not necessarily the case. The writer also reveals that she may have a bias regarding the subject matter, noting how she supports anonymous reporting because she wished to report employees in the past at her old company through such a method.

Her notes on what constitutes red flag behavior in the office runs from the hilariously inappropriate and inaccurate, such as stating that "another sign is extreme changes in behavior or statements indicating depression over family or financial problems" -- clearly there are other reasons that behavioral changes can occur -- to the glaringly obvious, such as her statement that carrying firearms are a sign of potentially destructive behavior.

The conclusion is also weak, as it contains a self-serving 'pitch' for the author to once again be the representative at future conferences. It restates that it is her strong opinion that prescreening is a good idea. Once again, this is a subjective statement of feeling, rather than based upon fact, much like the rest of the memo.

A better structural approach would have been to begin the memo immediately with the statement that it was a recap of what had been learned at the presentation, followed by a description of the speaker's qualifications (both his strengths but also his potential biases on the subject, such as the fact that his work as a consultant may make him financially dependent upon the industry devoted to screening candidates). Then, the content of what he stated should be presented in a neutral manner, on a purely factual basis on the pros and also the cons of workplace screening.