Heart\'s Confession There Is No

¶ … HEART'S CONFESSION

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

My Dearest Chesca,

When you read this letter, "my heart's confession," I hope you read it with an open mind and heart. I have to let you know how I really feel; so thank you for reading what I write. Your reading this means a lot to me. Until now, I have not been able to find the time or the right words to say what I want to say to you. With this letter, you will find a gift I chose for you with a heart full of longing that you open the gift, you will know the feelings I have for you. Before you open the gift, however, at the end of this letter, I will explain the meaning and the significance of it.

Chesca, I still remember the day I first saw you at my uncle's house. I could hardly believe my eyes when your dark eyes met mine at that moment back in time. Your beauty took my breath away as you captured my heart with your shy smile. When I asked six different people to tell me your name that day, I received six different answers. Then Lizel, with her heavy accent, convinced me your name was "Jessica"; the first of many mistakes I now regret.

I think my family was trying to set it up for me to drive you home so I would have the opportunity to get to know you better. Since I was new to the area, I remember trying to locate the address you needed to go to so I would not look stupid by getting lost taking you home. Several people I asked wanted me to take side streets so I could spend more time with you. I took the freeway instead, however, because I was afraid I might get lost, and as before, I did not want to look like a fool.

During that drive, I felt embarrassed that my cigarette lighter had just broken and was hanging out like it had been trashed. I remember how dumb I felt when the only thing I could talk about was lobsters. I felt as if nothing went right for me that night. You, on the other hand, showed me that not only are you beautiful outside, but that you also possess an exquisite beauty that radiates from you inside - from your character and convictions. I felt completely smitten by you and your beauty that night. I felt the warmth you shared with me as you shook my hand leaving my car. I also felt totally embarrassed when I realized that I had dropped you off four houses away from your home.

The second chance to spend time with you occurred when I got to drive you to work. It concerned me to learn that you walked such a long distance to reach the bus stop to where you caught the bus to ride to work. This city is not safe for someone to be out walking alone; especially for someone as beautiful as you. That is one of the reasons I insisted you try to obtain your driver's license right away. I also wanted for you to be truly independent. Along with your driver's license, you needed your own transportation. I know you have great potential and can do anything you put your mind to. I also know you are not a quitter and knew you did not mean it when you said you were tired of school and wanted to quit. I knew you would go back. You are too perfect not to be your best. You u have the same desire to better yourself that I do. In this, we are one and the same.

When I saw your desire to be your best, I knew deep in my heart that you are the one for me. There are no doubts in my mind about this. I feel that you just need to get to know the real me. I have not dated much and have been taught that there is one person for each of us and God will bring about a way for those two people to meet and know they are meant for each other. Until I met you, I never experienced true love, although I liked the few girls I well enough.

Then I meet you and from the start - my soul began to sing. I knew I had to try my best to show you how I feel and who I really am. To do this I tried to learn Togala and began reading books on Filipino history. To spend time with you, I started to talk to you about getting a good deal on a PC when I really wanted a laptop computer. I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.

I still remember the first time you called me and I heard your voice on the phone. I was in a lecture class at ITT in Sylmar when the phone rang. As soon as I realized it was you, I ran out of the class, down the hall, and into the parking lot to get a good signal. I was out of breath, but we had such a wonderful conversation that I never wanted our time on the phone to end. I often hated it that we have not been able to talk like that again until recently.

I want to explain some of my behavior that may have confused you or made you think I was a bad person. When I wanted to get to know you better, I started reading dating books; hoping to learn how to show you my feelings for you. The advice those books gave me caused me to come across as something I am not. One book said I should compliment you in a sexual manner to get out of the friend zone. When I told you your voice was sexy, I feel it set the wrong tone about my true intentions. Your voice is sexy but I meant that with the purest of intentions.

Next, the book said to tease and joke with you to make it more interesting. This effort also failed miserably because you were sick the day I tried to be humorous. That's why I wrote you the letter of apology. I wanted to run and hide, but you are too precious to stay away from, so I had to face the shame.

To make up for my mistakes, I wanted to buy you a sentimental gift, one from the heart. Since you are the special one I love, I did not want to come off reflecting the wrong intentions. With great thought, I bought you a Bonsai tree of the Filipino national flower.

At this time, you told me you were afraid of me. Nevertheless, to make sure you received your laptop, even after finding out I could not get you the same deal, I paid the difference and never told you. Strange, at the same time, due to my feelings, I was terrified of you. Your expression of fear made me even more afraid. I began to stay away from you and was never going to call you again because I did not want you to feel or be uncomfortable with me. I am in love with you to that extent. I have hated myself for messing up everything when I was only trying to show you how I felt about you. My only hope was that if God meant for us to be together; He would find a way to make it happen.

In my despair, I began seeing Elizabeth. She was the first girl to show any interest in me and I started talking to her before I went to Arizona for Christmas with my grandparents. I was playing a game with my cousin's little girl, Kaida, when I got your text saying "Merry Christmas." I was so excited I jumped out of my chair and ran outside to get a good signal. Not wanting to give you the wrong impression of me again, I texted you back the same "Merry Christmas," when I really wanted talk to you more. I waited and waited for a response until Kaida came to get me to take my turn at our game.

I heard from you a few more times. Once you let me know your new number and then I received your text about you getting your driver's license. Since it was the same day I had broken up with Elizabeth, I was convinced it was a sign we were to get together. I wanted to ask you out to celebrate but instead, I just texted you to congratulate you. If you had answered me, I planned to finally ask you out. When the phone rang, instead of you phoning, it was Elizabeth calling me to talk. She and I got back together for a while then.

Later, I saw you again at my uncle's party. You looked so beautiful sitting there with Lizel and Denise. I wanted to come over and talk to you when you smiled and waved at me. I could not at that time because I was with Elizabeth.

Even though it was a long time before I would see you again, I never stopped thinking about you. I hoped I would see you more when Lizel started renting a room for my uncle. When she asked about renting the other room to you, I said, "no" due to having a girlfriend and I knew I could not handle having you so close to me all the time.

Lizel, however, never listens to me. To my surprise, the next day I see you walking down the steps. My heart almost stopped as I felt like I was going to faint when you sat down next to me. I could not say "no" when you asked about renting the other room because I was putty in your hands. Having you here has been the best thing that could happen to me. As Elizabeth and I were not meant to be, if you had asked, I would have been available the next moment. But then I found out you had a boyfriend.

That's when I knew I had to hide my feelings for you and just try to be a gentleman. That worked for a little while.

I am so grateful for having you here and getting the chance to know you even better. You are perfect for me, I often think, as I see more and more that we are so much alike. You are always trying to better yourself. You try to do what you feel is right even when you may want to do something else. We both believe in a Higher Power and that things happen for a reason. You are so caring and kind, a person of true beauty on the inside as well the outside.

The night of the charity ballroom dance event, you were again the most beautiful girl in the room. In my dreams, I saw you in that black dress. I could smell your perfume in my sleep. That night, I decided to take dance lessons. I longed to dance with you then just as I envision us dancing together now.

The day I learned it was your birthday, I wanted to give you something unique with a message you could find dear. That's why I gave you that Yo-Yo, the same one I wanted to give you so long ago. I had been saving it and praying for the right moment to give it to you. On that day, when I tried to find you alone, instead I found you were going out with your boyfriend. Somehow, I found the courage to hand you the Yo-Yo you right there in front of him. I told you the Yo-Yo's history and about the boy who moved here. He, like you, started a new life here with just a dream. By simply sharing his culture, along with investing hard work, he was able to start the 1st Yo-Yo company which ultimately became a huge success. I see the same success story in you. You will be the best at anything you choose in life, Chesca. You have what it takes to take whatever live gives you and make it better. I want to help you in any way I can.

Not long after your birthday, I finally broke up with Elizabeth; I was free to pursue whom I chose. Because I have never wanted anyone but you, I have not looked for anyone else. I cannot pursue you, however, because of him.

So I wait

One day I saw you texting; looking not all happy. You where having a fight with HIM and were not going to go out with him that weekend. That's when you asked me if there was anything fun to do around here.

I could not believe what I heard as my heart raced. Still, I tried to play it cool. When I asked you if you wanted to do something with me that weekend, I saw the faint smile on your face - the kind that appears when something goes just the way you wanted.

You told, me, "Yes."

At that time, I had never been happier. Because I could not keep such good news to myself, I told my coworkers, my students, and even my dance instructor that I had big plans for that weekend. I wanted it to be perfect.

Before the weekend came, however, I wanted you to think it had not been planned at all. Even though I only told you little bits about what I planned for us to do, however, I had things all set up. That weekend I planned to seize my moment to sweep you off your feet.

But then tragedy...

He got smart and canceled his plans and stayed with you that weekend. His plans ruined mine. I can't blame him because he and I both know you are one of a kind. No way would I ever let you go if you where mine. So how could he?

So all that was left for me to do was to try and be there for you in any little way I could. I could try and tell you I love you without ever saying the words. I could try and make your life the best I could, without ever becoming a big part of it...

As I write this letter, Chesca, I do not know if I should be telling you all this - but I need you to know.

I love you.

If our life were a fairy tale and you were my maiden, there would be no deed I would not do to prove my love for you. I would climb the highest mountain and slay the mightiest of ferocious dragons to prove my strength. I would cross all of the oceans to prove my devotion. I would sacrifice all that I have to prove that all I need is you.