Lives, Issues of Personal Struggle

¶ … lives, issues of personal struggle arise continuously, and we as individuals must take what we've learned about human interaction and about ourselves to shape how we deal with these situations. In my own life, and especially in my childhood and adolescence, I faced the personal struggle of dealing with bullying- particularly at my school. For years, I allowed these bullies and their actions to shape how I led my life. When they would bully me, I would feel like less of a person; I felt discouraged; I felt humiliated, and above all else, I felt significantly self-conscious about the person I had always been. In retrospect, I should have understood that such self-doubt was unmerited, but at the time, the hateful words of others were all I could hear, rather than my own true voice.

These experiences led me to hide my true self and instead try to act in a way that better aligned with the person I thought I needed to be to avoid being picked on. For instance, if bullies bothered me about my choice of clothes or my personal interests, I would change them to better fit the mold of what I thought I should be able to fit in. Being bullied, and feeling such self-doubt led me to lead much of my life throughout high school nervous and afraid to be my true self -- confident person who is aware that I have much to offer the world. However, upon joining the badminton club, I received a new sense of personal empowerment. For the first time in my life, I finally knew that I was good at something, and being good at badminton brought new positive feedback from my coaches and team members that made me finally feel a sense of worth. This new sport, and my presence on a real supportive team, filled with people who consistently cheered me on rather than shoot me down, allowed me to distance myself from the effects that these bullies used to have on me. In doing so, I was able to free myself from the stress of my past life, much like the way Tolle tells his readers to free themselves from the old emotional pain they so often feel. This pain isn't true to one's experiences, but in a sense, is a weight that others place upon you, and in accomplishing something new for me, all I felt from others was support and camaraderie.

Oftentimes, in my childhood, I went into situations expecting far more from people that I deserved to receive. My experiences with bullies and their actions toward me led me to anticipate negativity and stress in my life. I allowed the stress of the situation to surround me in a way that took away from my true, inner self. Though in my head, I felt confident and secure bullies in my life made me doubt myself far too often -- doubt my personality, doubt my decisions, and doubt the way I interacted with others at school. This continuously drew so much attention to my pain-body that I found myself unable to shake the feeling of unworthiness that I often felt. Instead of breaking through self-doubt, I chose to accept that this was just the way it was supposed to be, when really that was not true. I denied my true feelings to make others -- the bullies -- happy.

While, now I fully understand the distance that is truly present between one's inner-self and one's pain body, which is nothing more than unnecessary pain and stress of the outside world, fueled by nothing but negativity, it took me years to learn this. Additionally, I don't think I would have ever fully recognized it, had I not experienced negative bullying in my childhood and beginning teen years. As Swami Vivekananda once said, "We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think." This notion is one that can be truly applied to my situation and to what Tolle teaches about the pain body -- if we think it, we feel it, and this is true for pain, happiness, contentment, self-confidence etc. For years I dwelled on the stress of bad situations, which affected my life for the worse. Today, I think positively of myself and others, which has brought me noting but contentment in my life and in myself.

As a teenager, a mentor, upon seeing my stress and interactions with bullies told me that the only person capable of dictating my life was I. While I had known this should be the case, I had never truly applied this idea to my own life, choosing instead to let my bullies shape the way my life was led. In understanding this, I was able to break free of the hold these negative individuals had on me, and really begin to live my own life, following the idea that "to forgive is to overlook, or rather to look through," as Tolle describes, continuing, "you look through the ego to the sanity that is in every human being as his or her essence" (Tolle 7). I understood that the negativity that so many people bring into their daily lives and to their interactions come from nothing but a full focus on one's pain body and an ignorance to all that exists outside of this personal cage. In coming to this realization, I was able to get away from this hold and find my true self -- the person I wanted to be, that did not allow negative forces to stress me out or shape my life.

Additionally, in understanding that the negative forces of the outside world and of other individuals need not have any effect on my own life, I was able to further understand that how I interact with others in the world and allow situations to affect me is based completely and foremost on how I understand myself -- my inner being and all that I truly am. Tolle notes, "How you react to people and situations, especially when challenges arise, is the best indicator of how deeply you know yourself" (Tolle 34). Such a notion has proven to be significantly true, especially in my own life and in the way I strive to handle myself in the future. Now, I know myself, and I don't doubt what my instincts tell me.