Personal daily log of resumed cigar smoking addiction

Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 1 - 10/09 Smoking a cigar after two weeks feels like heaven to me. It\\\'s like I was missing a limb from my body. As I leave the school and heads to the parking lot, I smoke a cigar to pass the time and once in the car. I feel in control of my urge to smoke. It helps me get rid of the exhaustion of the day at a job that I hate. I choose to go have dinner and watch a bit of Monday night football. once I finish dinner at the restaurant I end up going to cigar bar to finish watching the Monday night football and while there I smoke 4 cigars and consume 6 alcoholic drinks. Depression overtakes me as I try to deal with the death of my mentor. I hate Mondays which doesn\\\'t help me deal with my depressive inclinations. I hate Mondays because I have to go back to a job that I hate. The premature demise of my mentor caused serious problems for my emotions and significantly increased the stress on me. Loneliness and sadness set in accompanied, of course, by longing for cigars. Smoking can be likened to a readily available companion both in good and bad times which is sure to deliver a huge mood boost. Smoking assists me in getting through sad and stressful events. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 2 - 10/10 I smoke a cigar as I drive away out of the teacher parking lot after a really long day. I feel myself relax with a smoke and find relief in it. I have a regular dinner side entertainment to watch football and that is what I am heading for now. After I finish dinner at the house, it is around 10pm I head out to the patio and smoke 2 cigars and consume a total of 2 alcoholic drinks. my mentor has died and I feel depressed and alone still. I have caught myself smoking, say, two cigars one after the other and said, ‘I didn\\\'t even realize I had two because I was just talking to someone.’ This is more common with drinking, I discover that whenever I’m drinking, I often smoke a lot, not continuously, but say, each 10 minutes. The link between smoking and drinking was so powerful that drinking, most times, led to smoking for me. Whenever I smoke, I spend ime in certain locations and with certain people who might not necessarily encourage the behaviour but they also don\\\'t condone it. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 3 - 10/11 I take a smoke at the end of the school day as I am heading to my car. It helps me relax after working at a job I hate. I have dinner outside with a bit of college football action on the side. it\\\'s South Alabama vs. Troy. once I am finished with my dinner, I go to cigar bar to finish watching the college football game south Alabama vs troy and I smoke 4 cigars and consume 6 alcoholic drinks. I feel a strong sense of remorse and grief coping with the death of my mentor but I think about the fact that it is hump day and feel happy and rejuvenated knowing that I have completed half the work week. Whenever I smoke, it is always very light i.e. not more than two cigars a day, except when I go drinking at night, during which I take a bit more. Of recent, immediately after smoking, I start to endure very severe anxiety and depression which could last for around 25 minutes. I am sure that this is caused by nicotine and has nothing to do with me being drunk or anything, because it happens almost immediately and for a considerable time frame after smoking. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 4 - 10/12 I drive out of the teacher parking lot with a cigar in my mouth and feel good about the remainder of the day. It helps me forget how much I despise my job. I indulge in dinner at a restaurant coupled with watching football while I eat. so I continue watching Thursday night football. I head to the cigar bar once again after finishing my dinner so I can watch the rest of the game. I smoke 4 cigars and drink 6 alcoholic drinks. Words cannot describe the sadness I feel at the death of my mentor but going out every once in a while seems to be helping. Being a regular smoker, I am well aware of the exercise. An unexpected and strong yearning for smoking develops soon after a meal. If I leave my workstation for a break, it crops up again, and insistently. There are a few places, foods and times of day which instantly evoke the desire to take a puff. Following a late dinner at home, I relaxed in my patio with a couple of drinks and cigars. The above pattern trigger represents a task I personally link to smoking. Ex-smokers may revert to the habit in instances of happiness. Considering cigars have been connected with pleasure (which is a second impact of dopamine), the brain tends to invariably link cigars and such instances of happiness. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 5 - 10/13 Q I drive out of the teacher parking lot with a cigar in my mouth and feel good about the remainder of the day. I especially feel like a there\\\'s a skip in my walk as I feel giddy about it being Friday and hence the last day the work week. It helps me forget how much I despise my job. I indulge in dinner at a restaurant coupled with watching a high school football game while I eat. I had friends with me at the dinner and I smoked a few cigars with my company. It felt good to not only smoke but smoke around people who didn\\\'t give me negative vibed for smoking. Words cannot describe the sadness I feel at the death of my mentor and it is a coinstant reminder even at the dinner. However, I head out to a nightclub with my friends once the game is over to party and relax. The mood was fun and I was able to smoke a few more cigars which lightened my mood further and I was in batter uplifted state than before. I feel like I am more productive and happy when I am able to smoke cigars and esspecially since i have restarted. I would keep saying “I love it” and had full faith in my justification. An addict constantly struggles with maintaining his/her ‘serum nicotine levels’ (which is a limited range of bloodstream nicotine). Whenever this level drops below the minimum limit, a smoker experiences early withdrawal signs. Chain smokers understandably attempt to convince themselves and others that they do not actually suffer from any dependency issues, or only have a bad habit, or are, simply, slightly addicted. They typically compare their condition with other nicotine/drug dependents, rationalizing that it is not that bad. The best addiction comparison standard may be: smokers’ nicotine consumption frequency or tolerance level. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 6 - 10/14 I feel good smoking the cigar and forget about the week that I have had at work. The connection between smoking and job stress can be described majorly based on two factors. The first is; persons can self-medicate physiological reactions (e.g. suppressed serotonic, catecholamine secretion and elevated cortisol) caused by stress via smoking cigars to attain internal stability aka homeostasis. Cigars could equally serve as anti-anxiety or anti-depressant agents reducing the effect of workplace stress. The second; job stress could lower a person’s self-control making it hard for smokers to lower smoking intensity or quit smoking completely and it could also cause former drinkers/smokers to fall back to their old ways. I feel like I undergo both these stressors at different point in my job which is why I feel completely dissatisfied with it and look for solace in smoking. I feel happier and calmer when I smoke more. I plan dinner with friends who come over and we watch an interesting game of college football this Saturday. Cognac and cigars go round after dinner is finished and I recall my mentor and how I sometimes took his input in my life for granted when he was alive. I reminisce and my mood goes down a notch. So once the match is over, to help elevate my spirits, my friends offer to head to a night club for some partying. I am up for it and once there, I indulge in drinks and smoking even more cigars. My spirits are lifted and I feel better. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 7 - 10/15 I light up a smoke and feel relaxed and calmed. I get a sense of filtration when I smoke so it allows my brain to drain out the negativities in my life. The plan for the night is to watch NFL games Sunday as my friends come over for dinner. Cognac sand cigars are part of the dinner deal. A friend brings up my mentor and I find it hard to hold back the tears and depression that I have been dealing on my own with due to his death. he was a big part of my life and his absence has left me somewhat unwillingly independent. once the maitches are over. We head out to a night club and I smoke more cigars as well as consume alcoholic drinks. My life on a general scale seems to be moving up when I tend to smoke more as I apply maire positive and calm outlook on the decision I have to make. However Sunday is always a bittersweet day as I know I can party all day but then reality checks in as inhale to return to work on monday. That brings me down as I have to return to a job that could very well make me feel like throwing up if I let it. That is how much I hate my job. Like I have mentioned earlier, smoking is something I do for pleasure. I am in high spirits as I have a break from work today. I describe pleasure as a feeling of fulfilment, and a source of happiness and contentment. Wanting implies experiencing a powerful urge, needing something, or suffering if one cannot access something. Tobacco manufacturers and sellers are well aware of how pleasure may be confused for craving. Pleasure marketing has been widely adopted, and it unconsciously and continuously assaults our subconscious. Pleasure marketing’s deliberate substitution of happiness for need is very effective, which is why it is resorted to by many. Pleasure rationalization gets one completely involved in dopamine-induced joy and relaxation, entirely neglecting the preceding anxiety, craving, and impulse. I am a real drug addict in this respect. This is, after all, not regarding pleasure; rather, it is our brain’s survival instincts which deliver false lessons one after the other after nicotine activation. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 8 - 10/16 I feel relaxed and calm as I light up my cigar before driving out of the teachers parking lot. Smoking not only relaxes me but it also puts me in a better mood working as a teacher which is not something I like to do. Football is my favourite support to watch as I eat dinner. Hence I head out to a restaurant for dinner and enjoy a bit of Monday night football. I then head out to the cigar club to watch the reminder of the match again. I smoke a total of 4 cigars and drink 6 alcoholic drinks. I hate Mondays as it forces me to go back to a job that I despise and it leaves me consuming more.alcohol and indulging in more smoking this day then any other day of the work week. My mentor dying leaves me wanting distractions as well so that I don\\\'t fall into depression. There are people called emotional smokers, these people smoke majorly when sad. So, I managed to keep smoking limited for a while and then my mentor suddenly died. It is perfectly normal that I’ll feel the urge to smoke. That would have been my action previously; smoke and mourn. The level of success a person is going to achieve in managing his smoking habits is majorly dependent on the kind of attitude they create towards cigars. Here, it is clear that I don’t completely understand how badly smoking affects my health and that of those close to me. Any small trigger will make me depend on my “friend” immediately. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 9 - 10/17 Nicotine is a powerful drug. It gets past the blood-brain gate and interferes with the dopamine pathways. After several years of smoking, these pathways become permanently changed. Simply put, smoking actually changes brain structure. A few years of smoking programs the brain to react to nicotine. Just thought about the sheer number of cigars I have smoked relentlessly; my brain is definitely well trained. The most serious smoking trigger was inside the car. I’d leave work or school and while in the car on the way home, I’d smoke a cigar just to pass the time; it\\\'s like a routine now for me to drive away from work and smoke a cigar as I do so. It helps me control my smoking habits to have a routine. I hate my job and feel like if I can control this aspect of my life at least, theen I can manage whatever comes my way at work. I make my dinner for the night and setup up to watch football. After I finish dinner I notice the time is close to 10pm. So I head out to the patio to unwind a couple of drinks and smoke 2 cigars as well. I think about my mentor\\\'s death and realize not a day goes by when I don\\\'t think about him. I have to admit that his death has left a gaping hole in my soul as I try to fight falling into depression. Deep down within me, I know smoking isn’t healthy and good and I shouldn’t be indulging in it, but still I am doing it. Even though I am fully aware of the social and health effects of smoking, I clearly got overwhelmed by a society which promotes the habit and even encourages increased consumption. Whenever I’m in the pub, I could easily enter any venue at this moment and get my specially designated smoking corner. I have a …. smoking group thus we can easily find ourselves within the smoking corner and it’s that moment that it turns into a general and acceptable thing, you know …. send a few sticks down to welcome the weekend. Social influences on smoking could either decrease or increase the habit and it’s dependent on if the person walks with smokers or nonsmokers. Having nonsmokers around, as well as the general view of smoking as a socially unwanted act, caused several participants to find themselves in social settings which discouraged the habit, leading to lower smoking frequency (Burton, Hoek, Nesbit & Khan, 2015). It is generally known that several smokers see tobacco intake as unhealthy and often reveal their desire to lower or completely stop its use. Almost 35 million of them desire to quit every year. Sadly, over 85% of these people who make efforts to quit fall back to it, commonly within just a week. I wanting to limit the us1e of cigars find it hard due to the simple fact that my job dissatisfies me and I feel depressed about losing my mentor suddenly and at a very young age. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 10 - 10/18 It\\\'s been a really rough couple of days at work and I smoke a cigar on my way out of the teacher parking lot in order to unwind a little. I feel a bit distrought emotionally and mentally so smoking helps me calm down and let go of the stress. I have dinner and watch football as I eat at my regular restuarant. Memphis is playing vs. Houston today and it seems to be a good game. I went to the cigar bar once I finished dinner and deal with my regular waiter. I end up ordering 6 alcoholic drinks and smoking 4 cigars. I contemplate the impact my mentor had on my life and dealing with the death of my mentor is not easy as I feel helpless and depressed in his absence. Although I could go for a while without smoking; whenever I\\\'m on vacation or some old friends are around, I could consume a whole pack. Smoking remains a small habit that I do from time to time. Social drinking is commonly compared with social smoking, i.e. the regular weekend drinker is to the alcoholic what the social smoker is to the addicted smoker. Studies of stress and smoking have indicated that rather than aiding relaxation, smoking actually raises tension and anxiety. Nicotine causes an instant feeling of relaxation which makes people believe that it causes anxiety and stress. This relaxed feeling remains for only a short time and then engenders more pressing cravings and withdrawal symptoms. Smoking lowers nicotine withdrawal symptoms, which bears certain similarities to anxiety symptoms; however, it doesn’t reduce anxiety or tackle its basic causes. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 11 - 10/19 I walk towards my car with my cigar in my mouth and drive out of the teacher parking lot. Being dissatisfied at my work forces me to look for satisfaction elsewhere and smoking gives me that satisfaction in more ways than I can express. I eat dinner and watch the Thursday night football. There is another good game on and I decide to go to the cigar bar to finished watching the game. It\\\'s crowded for a thursday but I drink my regular 6 drinks and smoke 4 cigars. I come back home feeling down nevertheless as I now admit to myself yet again that my mentor\\\'s death has left me almost clinically depressed. I feel even more burdened by this loss because I go to a job that I hate and could very easily live without if I had an alternate source of income. This leads me to be extremely stressed. A smoker like in my case normally smokes after developing craving for it. However, even in smoking occasions, one may witness differences in craving. I smoke cigars when attempting to deal with dissatisfaction at the workplace. Job stress can impact smoking activity as this activity functions as a stress reliever; stress may increase a person’s ‘present-orientedness’. One can find proofs of the fact that stress is one of the factors contributing to smoking. No less than a couple of causal elements linking occupational stress with smoking may be identified. Firstly, stress challenges a person’s body physically as well as psychologically, with people resorting to smoking as a self- medication for maintaining homeostasis (i.e., the capacity of maintaining inner stability). Stress may stem from the homeostasis being apparently or genuinely challenged. Clinical and animal research corroborates the fact that stress challenges homeostasis. People react to stress by attempting at maintaining their homeostasis via various means, of which one is self-medication through smoking. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 12 - 10/20 I look forward to the weekend as I light up my cigar, driving out of the teachers parking lot. Smoking means the essence of \\\"party time\\\" for me during the week so it allows me to digress my thoughts away from the job that I hate. I go out to eat and watch a high school football game with my friends simultaneously. It’s a good game and we all are having a lot of fun smoking and drinking at our wills pace. I head out with friends after the game is over for some more drinks and smoke and a whole lot of partying. I notice that I feel a strong sense of remorse and grief over the death of my mentor despite being heavily drink and having smoked as well; as it still feels really fresh in my mind. However I feel good about the fact that it is Friday and I don\\\'t have to go back to work tomorrow and even though the thoughts of the death of my mentor plague my mind still I feel slightly happier when I am able to smoke more cigars. Dependency and tobacco related studies which explain yearning to be an unconscious individual reaction to relevant stimuli claim that yearning facilitates smoking continuation and relapse. Cigar craving is usually gauged through cue reactivity techniques which have demonstrated their usefulness in examining addictive behaviors; these have been applied in therapy to prevent relapse. Prior evidence indicates the desire to smoke may be triggered by social situations (like dining with other people, which includes smokers) and affective experiences (like stress and other negative or positive emotions). Smoking has been regarded as a group of multifaceted reactions to prompts interacting with a specific socio-environmental context. Smoking behavior is influenced greatly by reactions to peer signals. this especially stands true for me as I not only look forward to Friday today but I look forward to the weekend of partying andmeeting up with peers who aren\\\'t hindrances for my smoking habits. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 13 - 10/21 Smoke from my cigar fills my vision as I drive around in my car. I feel good smoking the cigar and forget about the trivial worries of my life and the fact that I am dissatisfied with my job. I feel more like myself when I smoke more often during the day. I watch an interesting game of football tonight as I eat my dinner. I have friends over at my place tonight. We are all football fans and are watching college football this Saturday. We share a few drinks of cognac after dinner and smoke at will. My mentor was a great support system for me and he comes up in the conversation tonight and I admit to my friend that I miss him and there are times when I definitely feel less in control of my urge to smoke without him around. Once the match is over we decide to head out to party and head to the night club which is our favourite spot for the past few weeks. Here I drink some more and smoke a few more cigars before heading back home. I feel more elated after this late night and feel my spirits are a bit lifted tonight. Daily Log: Resumed Behavior, day 14 - 10/22 I light up a smoke and feel like I am far better company to those around me as I tend to enjoy myself a lot more and feel relaxed. I get a sense of hope and ecstasy when I smoke so it allows my brain to navigate through the negativities in my life. My friends are coming over again ad we plan to have dinner and watch the NFL games this Sunday. Cognac was part of the menu again and so was smoking cigars. Even though my mentor\\\'s death has left me with a lot of emotions that I am finding hard to deal with and thus I have a lack of faith in my abilities, I still feel like I am trying and finding somewhat of a balance between positivity and negativity in my life and smoking has a huge part to play in that balance. My friends and I decide to head out to party to our favourite night club again and I smoke more and drink more as the night progresses. I feel good about where I am at my life when I am smoking and it gives me encouragement while boosting my self esteem. I do have to cut the partying short because even though it\\\'s a Sunday and I love the fact that I don\\\'t have to work today, but it is a fact that Monday is upon me and I will have to return to work and the job that I am literally surviving in, imminently. I have the common belief that smoking helps deal with anxiety and relaxes my nerves. However, the fact is, nicotine itself can engender anxiety problems or even exacerbate the existing ones. This particular anxiety is common for me on Sundays and it comes as a sort of bittersweet feeling because I don’t have to work on Sundays while I have to the next day; Monday. My mood and nicotine are connected. Studies have shown that nicotine influences your brain, which includes your mood. I commonly feel depressed and sad and I have problems concentrating or sleeping and this stand especially true for Sundays.