Advice to the Lovelorn

¶ … Lovelorn Breaking up is never easy whether you are the person who is breaking up or you are on the receiving end. Humans, by nature, are creatures of habit and tend to avoid change, even if the situation we are in makes us unhappy. The fear of breaking up is a fear of the unknown. Even though a relationship is not fulfilling, or perhaps has problems such as abuse or other issues, often we are reluctant to end it, because fear of the unknown is greater than our perceived discomfort.

Breaking up is a loss, the process that we go through when we break up with someone is much the same as when a loved one dies. Some of the same techniques that help us through a loss by death can help us to regain our footing and go on with our life after a break up. There are three stages in grief. Each person takes a different amount of time to go through each stage and some may skip stages all together.

It is also common for someone to go back and forth between stages. The first stage of grief is denial. In this stage a person refuses to accept the loss. When breaking up with someone, make it clean. It may seem cruel, but staying in contact will not help your ex-move on to the next stage. It may be hard for them to accept that it is over.

You have already passed this stage, as you realize that it is time to move on, but just remember that for your ex, this is all new. The next stage is anger. Sometimes the reaction to anger may resemble fear, nonchalance, or other common techniques such as transference. Do not give in to these reactions, and let the person have their space. Also, do not let them use them to control you. Again, distance is the key.

It may help to realize that these angry reactions are a reflection of the inward fear of the unknown discussed earlier. The next stage is acceptance. At this point the person may come to terms that it is over. It is also not uncommon for the person to seek reconciliation at this point. It is up to you whether you decide to accept. A break up can be an incredible journey of self-discovery. It is a chance to redefine your definition of self.

The path that you could take is limited only by your desires. It may help to remind your ex-of this at this time. But remember, you can only control your actions and reactions. Your ex is the only one in control of his. If he decides to wallow in grief and dwell on his fear and anger, you can do nothing about it, but try to understand where he is coming from.

If a person reacts with threats of suicide, blaming, or hostility, they are only reacting to their own fear of the unknown. These reactions are meant to control you. To give in to these reactions, only validates the person's feelings and they are more likely to try this again. No two people are alike, and no two people will have the same reaction to the same situation.

It is difficult to give generic advice that will be a Magic pill to everyone, so only you can decide what is best for you. With some people, it may help to talk about your feelings and discuss the reasons why the relationship failed. This will only be successful if both parties can do this without resorting to blaming and defensiveness. With some people it may be best to just simply, break it off and let the person grieve. If your ex-has a good support system of friends.