Breakthroughs in the Past 50

¶ … breakthroughs in the past 50 years" and "more than 80% of students are plugged into computers'). This lends credence and substance to her argument. She also quotes an authoritative source, 'Business week', to support her point. On the other hand, her arguments would have been numerous times better and more scholarly would she have included the following: A summary that would have encapsulated her reason for writing the essay, the body of her argument and conclusion.

This would have helped her intensify her outcome of reflection at each level ( Fowler, 2007) A rough draft would have helped her ( Fowler, 2007). The indication that she did not draw up one prior to writing her essay is evident in the mis-match of points and in the rambling way in which her essay occurs. She first writes about the "widespread availability of the computer" Then comments on its impact.

Leads onto the fact that almost everyone has a computer nowadays; there are no status distinctions in lack of computer possession before concluding, "more than 80% of students are plugged in (Paul & Elder, 2003). 3. Her points are disjointed with one seamlessly leading onto the other so that I, at least, come away feeling confused not knowing what the body of her argument is all about.

The author would have presented a far better draft, would she have assigned each specific point to a separate paragraph and supported each with corroborating evidence (Fowler, 2007; Paul & Elder, 2003). 4. Citations are missing. The author quotes Business Week, for instance, but fails to provide us with the complete source. 5. There are to many unsupported claims. For instance, we are compelled to accept the author's assertion that the huge economic divide does not exist in the realm of computers.

Yet the author brings no corroborating evidence for her argument so we have no ultimate reliance for the veracity of her assertion. Similarly, her statement that "poor people.." would have been better supported (Riddell, 2007). 6. Her logic is faulty (Riddell, 2007). The fact that poor people possess computers does not demonstrate that they can 'save enough'; to buy their families a computer for home and school use" (aside from which how many 'poor' people do buy their families one -- scientifically reliable evidence needs to be quoted).

It may be that these 'poor' people inherited one or that their children are using the computer provided by the local library. 7. The author needs to define her constructs (Riddell, 2007). What does the term' poor' mean. Or at least what does she have in mind when she says this. The word' poor' is relative and straddles a huge spectrum. When defining her constructs, the author, too, needs to quote an authoritative source for basis of her measure. 8.

The argument would have benefited from a pro and con slant where the author not only presents evidence conducive to her claim but also presents also opposing arguments and evidence and then proceeds to deal with them (Ward, 2006). 9. The paragraph is too colloquial and informal given the presumably academic audience that the author is slanting her script to.

The words, for instance, "why would there be?" should be omitted These are some, although not all, of the factors that seem to me to erode the author's writing and deter it from being.