Communication and forgiveness in conflict resolution

¶ … Forgiveness: A Scholarly Examination

In the last paper that I wrote I explained the rather complex relationship that I have with my father. This explanation details how my father disappointed me over and over again, and how he has hurt me and other close family members beyond words or adequate expression. I described in this paper how I've decided that I'll never be able to forgive him, as he has no idea the amount of hurt and disappointment he has caused me repeatedly. Part of my decision to not forgive him comes from a place where I've realized that he simply doesn't care if he hurts me, so why should I care if I forgive him or not? Furthermore, I've also decided that not forgiving him will also work to prevent me from making contact with him, which means that I'll be safe and protected from being hurt again by him. However, I'm aware that the majority of world religions, shrinks, and social scientists would disagree with me.

Thus, I'm examining five journal articles so that I can assess whether or not I'm making the best decision and if there's any compelling evidence or concepts to persuade me in another direction. Interestingly enough, the study, "Interpersonal Forgiving in Close Relationships" by McCullough and colleagues, found that, "The present work provides a preliminary theoretical and empirical base for conceptualizing interpersonal forgiving as an empathy-facilitated set of motivational changes that is structurally and functionally similar to the relationship between empathy and altruistic motivation to help people who are in need (e.g.,Batson, 1990,1991; Batson & Oleson, 1991; McCullough et al., 1997). When people forgive, they become motivated to pursue relationship-constructive, rather than relationship-destructive, actions toward an offending relationship partner. This set of motivational changes is facilitated by the development of empathy for the offender, which leads to an increased caring for the offending partner that overshadows the salience of the offender's hurtful actions" (1997). Essentially, researchers found that the decision to forgive was a decision made in part out of empathy for the offender and for a desire to restore the relationship to health (McCullough et al., 1997). However, with my father, while I can exert empathy for the difficult childhood that he had, I know that the researchers' findings are overly simplistic, as there's absolutely no way for me to restore my relationship with my dad back to health, as he is a destructive and unhealthy person.

However, the research study conducted by Fitzgibbons and colleagues uncovered findings that I found more relevant and applicable to me. These researchers wanted to find a way to teach kids an effective means of dealing with their anger and hurt and the hostile behaviors that manifested (2004). "Our research and clinical studies demonstrate that forgiveness can diminish angry feelings, hostile behaviors, and aggressive, obsessive thoughts. Forgiveness can also enhance students' confidence while reducing the sadness and anxiety regularly associated with excessive anger. We've proven in studies with middleschool students in Wisconsin and in Korea, where our forgiveness programs helped improve the grades and reduce the detentions and suspensions of at-risk students" (Fitzgibbons et al., 2004). I think these findings are really promising, but they're not what draws me to the study most of all. Most of all the researchers are clear on what they mean by forgiveness which is that "It is not tolerating and enabling abusive people to express their anger. Nor does forgiveness mean trusting or reconciling with those who are abusive, insensitive, or unmotivated to change their unacceptable behavior" (Fitzgibbons et al., 2004). That sentence made me think of my father. Rather, these researchers coach forgiveness as a way for people to let go of their anger.

Another journal study that I found equally interesting was one conducted by Bono and colleagues. These researchers examined the notion of forgiveness in formal therapy in the article entitled, "Positive Responses to Benefit and Harm: Bringing Forgiveness and Gratitude into Cognitive Psychotherapy." I found this article particularly compelling because it demonstrated how scientists and shrinks were turning with more attention to the powerful process of forgiveness and using it in clinical settings and encouraging their patients to use it. For example, "Forgiveness and gratitude represent positive psychological responses to interpersonal harms and benefits that individuals have experienced. In the present article we first provide a brief review of the research that has shown forgiveness and gratitude to be related to various measures of physical and psychological well-being" (Bono et al., 2006). I found it interesting, as forgiveness is something that I mostly view as coming from a strictly religious place. Rather, after reading this article, I see that forgiveness comes from a place of needing to complete personal growth and to essentially fight for one's own emotional health. Meaning, this article demonstrated how in many ways, forgiveness is a move one makes which fights for one's own emotional health.