Communication Here We Get Into

Communication

Here we get into a good follow-up to Chapter 9, because knowing what to do when things get out of hand is important. I've long been intrigued by the "Dalai Lama" approach, so a secular version of forgiveness has a lot of appeal, even when it is hard to do. The authors define forgiveness as "a cognitive process that consists of letting go of feelings of revenue and desires to retaliate" (p.176). Just thinking about how difficult that can be sometimes is a good indicator of just how powerful forgiveness can be, since we have to summon up a lot of strength to defeat the powerful feelings of negativity, just to get to the point of forgiveness. Reconciliation is defined as "a behavioral process in which we take actions to restore a relationship or create a new one following forgiveness."

The authors start with the "levels of forgiveness," which can be seen as a framework to be worked through in order to reach a complete state of forgiveness. The authors argue that people walk, simultaneously to the forgiveness process, through levels of reconciliation. These steps immediately appeal. First, I want to be more forgiving because I understand exactly what the authors mean when they say that lack of forgiveness causes benefits to our mental and physical health. But the steps appeal because I had never really thought of forgiveness as a process before. Clearly, when one is hurt and wants revenge, it seems utterly impossible to forgive. Just knowing that forgiveness is a process is helpful, because it mentally prepares me to undertake a number of steps and work through them in my own time. Obviously, this works best for slowly-moving dispute, but some of the most hurtful disputes, as they others note, are slow moving and involve people with whom you have a long-term relationship of some kind.

Chapter 10 is very useful. Forgiveness has been presented in a way that is easy to understand, and seems very human. I am definitely going to refer back to these steps next time I find myself in a conflict situation, so that I can engage the cognitive part of my brain more and thereby engage in a forgiveness and reconciliation process, instead of just being locked into early, more conflict-oriented stages.

Chapter 11 holds a lot of interest for me because I seem to like being a mediator sometimes, but other times want nothing to do with other people's problems. For the former times, knowing how to perform this role more effectively appeals to me. The authors describe the mediation process as intake, opening statement, describing the dispute, finding common ground, reaching a final agreement and ending the mediation. The process is fairly straightforward and I've seen it before, but what I liked was the idea of fractionalization. This is "breaking down complex issues into smaller, more manageable ones" (p.204). I also liked the idea of "reframing" (p.204). Both of these ideas are not just valuable to the mediator, although I will certainly work to add them to my mediation arsenal.