Communication Is a Deceptively Simple

Communication is a deceptively simple element of human life. When considering the definition of the word, people often associate it with simply talking to one another. However, according to Sarah Fenson, it is not that simple. Indeed, communication is more than just a verbal exchange. Effective communication is also about a mutual understanding of the meaning behind words. In addition, there are non-verbal cues that need to be interpreted and understood to ensure that message is carried across effectively.

Further complicating effective communication, according to Fenson, is negative emotions such as fear, anger, or frustration. These emotions make it difficult to communicate ideas or be understood accurately, because they make a person less skillful in the art of communication. Furthermore, these emotions are often hidden, and as such, others perceive angry, frustrated or fearful people simply as difficult to communicate with.

To eradicate this problem, Fenson suggests emotional self-management. If a person is difficult to communicate with because of one of the above-mentioned negative emotions, it is likely that he or she will want to lash out before communicating the deeper issue at hand. In this event, Fenson recommends remaining calm, counting to ten, and letting the person vent until the underlying issue is reached. Once this occurs, the issue can be handled in a more appropriate manner. The secret is not to let one's own emotions become involved with the negativity of the other person. In such a case, emotional management is the key to successful communication. A further way of communicating calmly with such a person is to respond rather than react to irritating utterances. Ms. Fenson suggests asking questions or sympathetic responses rather than defensive reactions.

Another very effective way of breaking down the barriers built up by persons who make communication difficult, is asking questions. According to Jamie Walters, the skill of effective questioning is extremely important in the communication exercise, as it demonstrates effective listening. Only by listening skillfully can the conversation move forward to levels that help the participants reach their goals. According to Fenson, it is interesting to note that people find it more important to feel that they are heard and understood than to feel that listeners agree with them. Questioning is a very good way to communicate this sense of understanding. In short, a good listener asks good questions. According to Walters, questioning not only demonstrates that the hearer is actually listening, but conversely also helps the hearer to listen more closely to what is said. As such, Walters suggests making the decision to ask questions before the conversation takes place. This prepares the conversationalist to ask effective questions and, to listen more closely and to lead the person who is difficult to communicate with to a concomitantly more effective way of communicating their own ideas. As such, the conversation can prove beneficial to both participants.

Both Fenson and Walters emphasize the importance of suspending assumptions, especially in conversation with difficult communicators. Incorrect assumptions regarding the utterances of others often lead to negative interactive elements, such as stress, mismatched expectations and miscommunication. This in turn leads to damaged relationships that could otherwise have functioned well with a simple well-directed question.

According to Walters, self-knowledge is as important as self-management in conversation. This can also be accomplished by questioning. Asking oneself questions leads to a greater knowledge of oneself, as well as the ability to better understand others. When understanding oneself by means of targeted questioning, it is easier to understand others through targeted questioning in conversation. The effect of this is often that the speaker feels understood, that the listener is interested in what he or she is saying.

Susan RoAne suggests becoming what she calls a "talk target," or a person to whom it is particularly easy to talk. As a talk target, communicate with difficult conversationalists become easy by means of oneself offering conversation that is easy to respond to. A talk target is a person who is perfectly open and receptive of the conversations of others; always striving for greater understanding of the other participant. This sense of receptiveness is communicated to other participants, and they more easily open up and communicate the true issues behind the negativity they might initially display.

RoAne suggests several techniques to become a better talk target. The effective talk target puts all participants in a conversation at ease with friendliness, listening skills and knowledgeable responses without monopolizing the conversation. They use the names of the other participants, ask intelligent questions and listen with interest while other participants are talking. These actions all make it easier to communicate with a difficult conversation participant.