Conflict: causes, dynamics, and resolution strategies

Communication - Conflict

COMMUNICATIONS and CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Factual Circumstances:

Jessica is a 39-year-old divorced mother with full custodial custody of her 16-year-old daughter Julia, a high school junior. Julia has refused to talk to her mother for two days, since being told that she would not be allowed to violate her school's official dress code for class trips when she visits New York City with her class the following week. Julia's friends have decided to exploit a semantic loophole in the school policy, which was circulated in conjunction with the parental permission forms. The school's Class Trip Dress Code Policy reads as follows: "Students shall arrive at their scheduled departure areas wearing shoes, dress slacks, and a button-down dress shirt (boys) and shoes, dress slacks, dresses, or skirts that meet the same minimum length specified lengths for dresses and skirts on school grounds, and button-down shirts or blouses. Students are specifically prohibited from boarding departure vehicles wearing sneakers, work boots, jeans, or t-shirts. Students who arrive at the departure areas in violation of this dress code will not be permitted to board and will be transported to school to serve mandatory in-class suspension instead of participating in the class trip."

Emphasis added]

Julia and her friends had planned to "arrive at the scheduled departure area wearing" appropriate clothes that comply with the dress code, to photograph themselves in front of the buses to prove that they complied with the dress code, and then to change into their sneakers, jeans, and t-shirts in the lavatories of their buses. Julia has already received the maximum number of informal reprimands for behavior issues and has been warned that any subsequent disciplinary issues will trigger a mandatory suspension and a corresponding entry in her permanent student record. Julia is an above average student and a talented musician who could qualify for various financial aid college scholarships which would help Jessica afford Julia's college education tremendously. Underlying Issues, Objectives, and Concerns:

Julia is angry that her mother is disallowing her participation in what she believes is a clever but harmless exploitation of the literal meaning of the dress code policy; she believes that the photograph of her dressed appropriately at the designated departure area will prevent any disciplinary action against her. During her arguments with her mother, Julia has angrily expressed the following statements:

It's not fair; all my friends are doing it."

I'm not even breaking any rules."

You're supposed to let me express myself."

There's nothing wrong with jeans; it's not like we're wearing gangster stuff or short skirts or anything like that. Everything we're wearing is what we're allowed to wear in school all the time."

You just don't understand."

How come you get to do whatever you want but I don't"

Jessica is concerned that the students who participate will not be protected by the literal interpretation of the dress code policy and that Julia is risking a suspension and a disciplinary action entry in her permanent school record that could jeopardize her chances of receiving any scholarship grants for college, which Jessica desperately needs to pay for Julia's college education and she hopes to minimize any financial debts that she and Julia will have no choice but to incur to enable Julia to attend college. Jessica is fully aware of how important group and personal identity are to teenagers and hopes to communicate to Julia that sometimes, participating in group activities can pose different types of risks to different individuals in that group.

Conflict Resolution Communication Strategies:

Jessica's strategy is to address Julia's statements directly and to respond to them in a way that does not suggest that she does not understand Julia's frustration. She hopes to illustrate by examples that Julia will understand and to demonstrate compassion and respect for Julia's point-of-view simultaneously. Jessica has prepared herself in advance by considering Julia's statements because she anticipates greater mutual understanding if Julia realizes that her mother listened to everything she said about the issue.

First, Jessica will acknowledge that the girl's trick is clever and that the school could possibly even choose to suspend disciplinary action, especially if large number of students participate, and to simply revise the dress code policy for the future. Jessica will demonstrate that she gets the humor and that the stunt is completely harmless. She will even express that she might have allowed Julia to participate but for the fact that Julia has already used up her non-official disciplinary actions and that any future disciplinary issues will result in a suspension and a permanent negative entry in her record that could cause more problems than worth risking.

Jessica will remind Julia that Jessica was upset but did not overreact or punish her for her previous disciplinary actions and that Julia promised not to do anything else that school year that could possibly result in another disciplinary action because Jessica explained how important it was that Julia qualify for as much financial assistance as possible for college. Jessica will express that this is the only reason that she has no choice but to forbid conduct that would not necessarily be so bad for Julia if Julia still had a remaining unofficial disciplinary violation. At various appropriate times during their conversation, Jessica will initiate physical gestures such as putting her hand on Julia's arm to underscore the fact that she sympathizes with Julia and that she derives no pleasure from disappointing her or frustrating her. Jessica will also explain that she allows Julia to express herself by never commenting on her clothing in general and even gives her additional money to buy some of the clothes that she only wears outside of school because of school policy. Jessica will also explain that she has no choice but to comply with her employers' dress code even though she herself would be much more comfortable commuting back and forth to her job in sweatpants or jeans and she would be able to save a lot of money on dry cleaning and necessary updates to her business wardrobe if she could wear whatever she wants at work.