Conversational Rituals, as Seen Through

Conversational Rituals, As Seen Through the Eyes of Deborah Tannen

According to leading sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, communication is never simply about saying what you mean, or merely communicating information in a factual manner. Every conversation has a complex undercurrent, or subtext. Every culture reads silence, confrontation, vocal pitch, and physical difference in different ways, and the cultural differences between the genders also influence how certain words, conversational styles, and implicit as well as explicit meanings are expressed.

Ritual opposition talk

For example, in what Deborah Tannen calls ritual opposition talk, different conversational partners may disagree with one another, sometimes to reaffirm their higher status, such as when a boss publicly disagrees with a subordinate, or even makes a dismissive comment about that person's dress when walking past that employee in the aisle. This does not just mean "your tie is bad," it also means, "I have the power to talk to you this way, and you do not have the same power over me." Less obviously, ritual opposition talk may be seen within families, as when a mother-in-law might state to her new daughter-in-law "that's not the right way to make a roast, he doesn't like it that way." The real issue is not the tenderness of the meat, of course, but the tenderness of the interpersonal conflict between the two women, warring for status in terms of their right to cook for the man in question.

It is important to remember that different cultures may allow for different forms of opposition talk to varying degree -- in Japan, even amongst men, oppositional dialogue may be more muted, while in highly confrontational cultures, such as the Mediterranean, both women and men may use friendly disagreement as a source of connection as well as power plays.

Rapport talk

In contrast to ritual opposition talk, rapport talk is the speech of agreement. However, like ritual opposition talk, the meaning of what is said is less important than the actual bonding through conversation. When two women talk in the ladies' room, for example, about a new type of makeup both women happen to be using, the point of the dialogue is not really the shade of the lipstick, but creating a connection. While women in American culture may be more apt to use agreement rather than disagreement to bond, men often use such subjects as sports to create an emotional sense of common ground or rapport. Rapport talk might also be thought of more colloquially as small talk.

Trouble talk

Trouble talk, or confessional talk, the exchanging of information about problems, is another form of intimacy, also often seen amongst women in our current cultural environment. A woman might share her problems about a new boss or boyfriend. When trouble talking, women often expect empathetic agreement from their partner, while men might often be taken aback when a more stereotypically male approach to 'solving' the problem that is apparently troubling the woman meets with opposition. Often, the purpose of trouble talk is opening up about an emotional need, not 'fixing' a specific problem in the eyes of many women.

Public talk

The sphere of public talk could be summed up in the phrase 'not in front of the neighbors' -- in other words, certain types of dialogue and ways of relating are not deemed permissible in front of strangers. Think of the embarrassment of seeing a child disciplined in public, when a parent loses control. Parental discipline is supposed to be private, not public display. Cultures have different levels of what is acceptable publicly -- in some cultures, shaming someone in public is considered 'not done' or at very least far worse than in private, or intimate affection is not considered appropriate public talk. Even in relatively uninhibited America, seeing a man propose to a woman, or a couple engaging in an intimate moment can cause people to look away.

Private talk

When it is necessary to give someone private time, like a salesman leaving so married couple to discuss the cost of a new car, also varies from culture to culture. In some cultures, matters such as money or sexuality are supposed to be discussed only amongst families or intimates.

Status & connection talk

Well, of course, I only buy designer brands," someone might say, examining a cheap knock-off purse, and showing her superiority to her presumably poorer colleague. However, when the colleague states "I think name brands are a waste of money," she is also engaging in status talk, showing her superior frugality and lack of frivolity. Phrases like "I only buy organic" or "I only vote Democrat" also locate persons within particular cultures or status groups, and can be used to affirm a connection or establish a higher status over a conversational partner.