Counseling Theory: Boundaries and Marriage in Boundaries

¶ … Counseling Theory: Boundaries and Marriage

In Boundaries and Marriage, Henry Cloud and John Townsend introduce the concept of boundaries as it relates to marriage. In order to understand their theory of boundaries, it is important to realize that this book is one in a series of books that the authors have written about boundaries, and includes an exploration of how boundaries impact interpersonal relationships. Their theory is that relationship problems are rarely solved by looking at how the other people in the relationships are relating or failing to relate, but are more often solved by establishing appropriate interpersonal boundaries.

They include ten laws of boundaries to be incorporated into relationship therapy. These include: the law of sowing and reaping; the law of responsibility; the law of power; the law of respect; the law of motivation; the law of evaluation; the law of proactivity; the law of envy; the law of activity; and the law of exposure. The tenth law is perhaps the most critical; it involves ensuring that people are aware of boundaries, because they cannot be held responsible for violating boundaries that are unknown. Furthermore, they emphasize that boundaries must go both ways, and that a person must respect another's boundaries when asserting boundaries. They also discuss the law of responsibility, specifically, "we are to love one another, not be one another" (Cloud & Townsend, 1999). This suggests not only that people take personal responsibility for their own actions, but also that people resist the temptation to blame (or credit) themselves for their partner's actions. They also discuss power in a unique way. They suggest that individuals have the ability to solve their problems, but that this ability may simply be the individual seeking help and does not require an individual be able to solve all of his or her own problems without help or guidance. They also discuss six types of conflict, and how those different conflicts can be approached using a boundaries perspective.

Strengths and Weaknesses

I believe that the primary strength of this therapeutic approach is that it encourages the individual to look inward when attempting to solve relationship problems. It is a common therapeutic suggestion that, when discussing marital problems, a spouse makes "I statements" rather than "you statements." In many ways, I believe that this book is an extension of that basic philosophy, with the authors urging people to examine themselves when looking for solutions to unhappy marriages. In many ways this is helpful, because it encourages people to examine why they are responding in a certain manner instead of focusing on the partner's behavior. In addition, encouraging people to establish clear and appropriate boundaries seems like a great start towards honest communication, because many of the scenarios described in the book seemed related to an overall lack of marital communication.

To me, the biggest weakness with their work was how it approached the issue of domestic violence. The authors did acknowledge that physical separation can be necessary to ensure the safety of victims, and even advocated the use of domestic violence shelters in the event of such emergencies (Cloud & Townsend, 1999). However, they do seem to suggest that the victims in domestic violence situations can control the situations through establishing better boundaries, which goes against almost all of the scholarship that I have read about domestic violence. My understanding is that the risk of violence to battered women dramatically increases at those times when her batterer fears that he is losing control, and that attempting to remain in a relationship where there has been a history of significant violence is very dangerous, not only to the victim of the violence, but also to any children in the relationship. This attitude is reinforced by the authors' anecdotal stories about husbands changing as a result of the wife establishing better boundaries.

Personal Reflection and Application