Life Isn\'t All That Glorious

¶ … Life isn't all that glorious working for the Tsar and Tsarina. I must always be careful and it almost feels like I'm working on eggshells around the royal family. Being the butler and well a member of the staff, there's lots of talk and gossip going around. It's fun to be part of but also dangerous because I often wonder what if we were caught, what would the family do? It's been quite gloomy around here because the son, Alexis has hemophilia. I've never heard of it before but apparently he must be careful not to be injured because it will be hard to stop the bleeding. I am very concerned and worried, not just for the son's sake but also because anxiety has been an all time high. You know how clumsy I am, and I am just worried I might cause the child to have a scrape here and there.

It's organized chaos here especially since Tsar Nicholas and Tsarina Alexandra have called in somebody to help Alexis. I must write again, I am worried about the child but I am more curious as to what can cure him of such disease. There's this man, Rasputin, who claims he can cure the ills of the sick child but I am skeptical. He seems like a fox, cunning, and conniving, and my instinct is that he is not to be trusted. He looks evil and rumors have it, he is having an affair with the Tsarina. I do not believe such a thing for Nicolas and Alexandra are a lovely couple with beautiful children. Alexis has confided in me and I can tell, he is a curious boy who knows his days can be limited any moment. I often see him look at the clouds and absorb the beauty around him. My heart cries just thinking how can a boy filled with wanderlust have such limited time on earth. He has done nothing wrong. As you know, I am unattached and unmarried so I do not know how it must feel as the parent of a sick child but being so close to the royal family, I feel as if Alexis is my offspring for I've watched him grow up, just like how I've watched the other children grow, and his sickness hurts. Who knew the human heart can contain such capacity to feel both, love and pain, in equal measures if not more. The daughters Olga, Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia are as lovely as girls can be. Sometimes, they ask me of my family, why I am not married or if I want to, if I am with someone, and if I feel lonely. I tell them I am used to this way of life, being a loner, and should I find somebody, that would be terrific but if I don't, I will not cry about it. The girls' fear they will be alone when they grow up but I tell them, their mother will make sure they are with the richest of princes, and then they giggle and make jokes about boys. The children are all loved and doted on. Despite being a servant, I feel I've made a life and in some odd way, a relationship with the family. Maybe I am naive and delusional but I really feel this way. I have made some friends, some good and some bad, but at the end of the day, I am just lucky to have a job that brings such adequate fortune, a shelter even if it's a communal bedroom, and food on the table. The Tsar and Tsarina treat the servants with respect, in the aspect that they tell us what to do and we do it but they do not intentionally yell at us for we look after them and their children. Overall, life isn't all glitz and glam but it also isn't rags and dirt. Working for the Ramonov family isn't the most wonderful job but it also isn't the worse. I hope you are doing well, better than I. How's the family? How's your wife and children? I hope to meet you again old friend. I hope you write back about tales of your life. I look forward hearing from you.