Differences Between Men and Women in Intimacy Relationship

Men's Expectations in a Relationship

Men Need Acceptance

Men want to be accepted by their partner. Gray notes that when a woman tries to nurture and help her partner, he feels like he is being controlled and like he is not accepted for who he is.

Men Need to be Needed

Gray says that "not to be needed is a slow death for a man" (Gray 73). A man needs to feel like he is needed and like he is making a difference to his partner.

Men Need Space

Men need the space to deal with problems on their own. If a woman tries to help too much, a man can begin to feel smothered.

Men Need Independence

Gray notes that when a man achieves intimacy, he feels a need to be independent and to achieve autonomy. A man will pull away from the relationship to achieve this, but will return to being intimate when he feels independent again.

Men Need Approval

Men need to feel like they have the approval of their partners. A man will feel good in the relationship when he feels like his partner is satisfied with him. This is a measure of a man's success in the relationship and if he feels successful, he feels positive.

Women's Expectations in a Relationship

1. Women Need Understanding

Gray describes how women talk about their problems and want understanding and empathy from their partner. When the partner responds by trying to fix the problem, the woman feels like her partner does not care about her.

2. Women Need Reassurance

Women need reassurance in a relationship. For example, when a man retreats from the woman to deal with a problem, the woman needs to know that this is not a rejection of her and that she is still loved.

3. Women Need Respect

Gray describes how "women argue for the right to be upset" (Gray 168). When a woman feels upset, she does not need her problems to be solved. Instead, she needs to experience her feelings and work through them. In short, a woman needs to feel that her feelings are respected.

4. Women Need Caring

A woman needs to be shown heartfelt concern. A woman who is shown such concern feels like she is loved and cared for.

5. Women Need Devotion

A woman needs to feel that her partner is devoted to her. When a woman feels that her partner is committed to her, she feels fulfilled and happy in the relationship.

Points of Agreement

1. Giving a Man Unsolicited Advice

Gray says that offering a man unsolicited advice "is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own" (Gray 36). This is a threat to a man because it is important to him that he is competent. I think this is true and that men can respond to being given advice by assuming that their partner thinks lesser of them or think that they are incapable.

2. Dealing with Stress

Gray notes that men and women deal with stress differently, with a man wanting to solve the problem, while a woman wants to talk about the problem. I think this is true and that men can become frustrated by talking about problems because it just reminds them that they don't have a solution.

3. A Man's Deepest Fear

Gray says that "a man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent" (Gray 85). I agree with this statement and think that men are motivated by their need to achieve.

4. When a Man Feels Like a Failure

Gray explains that a man can have trouble listening to his partner's problems when she is unhappy, because it makes him feel like a failure. I think this is true and that men do react to women's problems by feeling like they are responsible for them. This also explains why men react by wanting to solve the problem, with this a way of making up for their imagined failure.

5. Men take Statements Literally

Gray notes that women use metaphors and generalizations to express their feelings, while men take their statements literally. For example, a woman might say to her husband that he never listens to her. The husband might respond by saying that he is listening now. I think this is true and that the man's focus on the literal meaning results in what is really important to the woman, which is the way she feels.

Points of Disagreement

1. The Woman's Need to Change the Man

Gray says that a woman who loves a man "forms a home-improvement committee" and waits for "any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do" (Gray 34). It seems natural for a person to want to help their partner and this applies equally to the man as it does to the woman. I don't think that women have a special focus on trying to change the man, but that this is just a normal part of interacting with someone who is so important in your life. I think Gray overstates this point.

2. The Woman's Sense of Self

Gray says that "a woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships" (Gray 38). I think there is a lot more to a woman's sense of self than this view. I think a woman also defines herself on many other factors including appearance, ability, intelligence, and character.

3. Women Need to Feel Cherished

Gray says that "men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed ... Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished" (Gray 69). I do not agree with Gray's statement about how women are motivated. I think women can be equally motivated by feeling needed. For example, a woman might look after her husband when he is ill or take care of the children's needs on a daily basis. Overall, I think women are motivated by being needed just as much as men are.