Characteristics and culture of hopheads

Introduction

Relationships are all about communication: something you have probably heard before. But did you know that social science research backs up this claim, and can also provide you with the practical tools you need to minimize conflict and maximize harmony in your relationship? For example, research shows which barriers to communication might arise, why, and how you can overcome them. Research also shows that your self-concept and self-image have a strong bearing on how you comport yourself in your intimate relationships. Using appropriate levels of self-disclosure and emotional intelligence, you can improve your self-esteem and improve your relationship with each other and with people outside of your dyad. In this letter, I would like to outline for you some of the highlights of what I have learned in a course on communication. Far from being based on pop psychology or pseudoscience, what I am about to tell you is based on the latest research in psychology and sociology. Ultimately, barriers to communication arise out of deeply rooted issues like insecurity, low self-esteem, and cognitive biases, as well as poorly developed communication strategies. Effective communication in a marriage therefore hinges on each of you being willing to boost emotional intelligence through self-mastery, encouraging self-awareness as well as empathy.

Barriers to Communication

Innumerable situational and psychological barriers to communication might arise during the course of your relationship. Conflict management is one of the most important strategies for maintaining a healthy marriage over time (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 8). Learning how to manage conflicts requires a certain degree of education, skill, and practice. You need to ideally develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence to manage conflict effectively, and we will discuss emotional intelligence in more detail later. For now, we will focus on some of the common barriers to communication you might encounter in your relationship. Some of the barriers you might encounter include faulty cognitive schemas such as self-fulfilling prophesies, stereotyping, and the halo effect. Self-fulfilling prophesies refer to your hearing what you expect or want to hear instead of tuning into your partner fully (Bevan & Sole, Chapter 2). Mindfulness is the best means of overcoming this and other type of cognitive biases. With mindfulness, you train yourself to actively listen to your partner and stop attributing their behaviors to outmoded concepts that you have of them—just as you would want them to do for you. Similarly, even the most positive seeming stereotypes can create cognitive biases that become barriers to communication. The halo effect may occur during your honeymoon stage, when you only see the other person’s positive characteristics. When that person reveals one of their faults or quirks, your image of them is suddenly changed. Instead of prejudging your significant other, try to be more mindful and understanding of their humanity.

Communication apprehension is usually associated more with stage fright or the anxiety you feel before a job interview, but apprehension can also arise when you want to have a challenging conversation with your significant other. For example, if you need to admit to your partner that you have been gambling and spent some of the family savings, you might feel apprehensive about that conversation. Each person handles communication apprehension differently. Those who tend to be highly apprehensive will tend most to avoid the situation, which causes even more problems later on (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 5, p. 3). If you experience communication apprehension in your marriage, the official term for it is “dyadic,” because it pertains to your dyad, just the two of you (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 5, p. 4). People who tend to be shy and introverted might experience higher levels of communication apprehension than those who are extraverted (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 5). Therefore, it helps to be aware of your personality style and your tendencies and to work hard to strengthen your weaknesses.

Some of the most destructive barriers to communication in an interpersonal relationship include avoidance, spying, jealousy induction, infidelity, allowing control, and destructive conflict (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 8, p. 4). We spoke a little about avoidance earlier when we discussed communication apprehension. It is important to have the courage to address difficult topics, rather than letting your feelings fester. This requires a lot of effort on your part personally, as no one but you can muster the willingness to overcome that apprehension and trust your partner will not judge you for what you are about to say. Of course, you are also entrusted with the responsibility of having empathy and being willing to forgive the other person when they expose themselves to you.

Self-Concept, Self-Image, Self-Esteem

Communication is about far more than just sending and receiving messages. The way we communicate is also a product of our self-concept and self-image. In fact, we form our self-concept and self-image based on the feedback we have received throughout our entire lives. The things people say to us, and how they react to us, serve as social mirrors: what some researchers have referred to as the “looking glass self,” (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2, p. 3). If your partner reinforces your sense of self, you will feel little conflict. However, if one day your partner reacts to you in an unexpected way that did not coincide with your self-image, you might experience anxiety, which could lead to a small crisis in communication. If either of you have a negative self-concept or self-image, then you could also experience a low sense of self-esteem, which could end up being a barrier to your communication (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2, p. 6). Try to remember that you alone are responsible for your self-esteem. Your partner can compliment you and support you, but “you have to work to develop your self-esteem,” (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2, p. 6). The better you feel about yourself, and the more honest your self-concept is, the better your interactions will be not just with your significant other, but with everyone else in your life.

To manage our self-image, we might express ourselves certain ways such as through our dress or mannerisms. Once you get to know the other person you might realize that there was a lot more to your partner than you realized after the first date because you have engaged in what is known as impression formation. Impression formation is the process of forming first impressions based on what you saw or perceived on that first date, while the act of impression management is what your partner did to prepare for that first date—such as buying a new outfit or getting a haircut (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 7). Although issues like self-image and self-concept are especially important at these early stages of the relationship, they remain perennially important throughout your lifetime and will continue to impact the quality of your interpersonal communications.

Levels of Self-Disclosure

The efficacy of your relationship depends on intimacy, which is in turn dependent on your willingness to self-disclose (Horne & Johnson, 2018, p. 37). While Horne & Johnson (2018) show that females have been socialized to self-disclosed more readily than males, males can train themselves to become more willing to self-disclose in their intimate relationships. Intimate relationships like yours provide the opportunity for each person to be vulnerable in a safe space. In fact, through self-disclosure, each of you will also have the opportunity to disclose mistakes and practice the art of forgiveness. All people make mistakes, and eventually you will encounter problems that seem insurmountable because one person has erred in a way that seems unforgivable. When one person transgresses in a way that crosses a boundary, the slighted person has the power to use forgiveness tactics, the effectiveness of which depend on the situation (Sheldon, Gilchrist-Petty & Lessley, 2014). Sheldon, Gilchrist-Petty & Lessley (2014) show that the severity of a transgression determines which forgiveness strategy to use: such as verbal and explicit methods such as saying outright “I forgive you,” to nonverbal signs such as giving a hug to the other person (p. 78). When you self-disclose in the relationship, the act is bilateral. In other words, the act of self-disclosure creates vulnerability and you both have a responsibility to respond to that vulnerability with the openness and willingness to recognize the fallibility of your partner and be willing to forgive.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence, which is defined as a combination of self-awareness and empathy, is positively correlated with romantic relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Self-awareness takes practice, although some people may find self-awareness more challenging than others. Bevan & Sole (2014) advise you to be more “conscious about how you interpret the world,” taking stock of your biases, attitudes, and beliefs in a systematic way (Chapter 2, p. 13). Emotional intelligence is like other types of intelligence, in that if you put your mind to it and work on improving your competencies, you can become better at communication and self-awareness over time. Emotional intelligence is a cluster of traits, and “involves the ability to monitor, regulate, and discriminate among your own and your partner's feelings in order to guide your thoughts and actions,” (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 8, p. 11). Therefore, when you develop emotional intelligence, be sure to pay attention to the difference between empathy and enmeshing. Enmeshment refers to becoming overly involved emotionally with your partner—or anyone else for that matter—and also the inability to differentiate your own feelings from the other person’s (Cohen, Jensen, Dryman et al., 2015).

Strategies and Techniques for Conflict Resolution

Conflicts will arise in your relationship. The more knowledge you have about communication competency, the more you will be armed with a plethora of strategies for preventing, reducing, and resolving conflicts. Bevan & Sole (2014) stress the importance of three factors in mastering communication and conflict resolution: knowledge, motivation, and skill (Chapter 2, p. 12). Knowledge comes from reading letters like these and the social science literature that it is based on, so that your communications strategies are based on evidence. Motivation comes from your earnest desire to resolve the conflict, rather than clinging to the desire to be right. Skill comes from practice, which you hone over time.

Effective conflict resolution may occasionally involve active engagement of social resources outside of your dyad. You may need to speak to a good friend, a family member, or a therapist, to gain insight and awareness or an objective point of view. Bevan & Sole (2014) show that social supports are integral to relationship maintenance (Chapter 8). Conflict resolution depends most of all on active listening and empathy skills. Active listening requires patience, the willingness to refrain from interrupting the other person, and the ability to withhold judgment until you have heard and understood the other person. Empathy is the emotional and cognitive leap that you make when you put yourself into your partner’s shoes. In fact, empathy is arguably the underpinning of love. You would not have got this far in your relationship if you did not at least have some empathy for the other person. When you reach a barrier, a point where suddenly you lack empathy, it is important to take a step back and consider why you feel the way you do. Taking time to process your feelings before reacting can save you from a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil, and can even save your relationship in the long run. In fact, empathy and self-control are related components of emotional intelligence because empathy and self-control actually go hand-in-hand (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 8). If you did not feel empathy, you would not care about exploding in an outburst of rage. You do care about each other, which is why you are willing to take the steps to develop empathy, and to have the courage to perform honest self-assessments.

Impact of Gender and Culture

Gender orientation and cultural identity have strong bearings on our self-concept, as well as our communication styles. As Bevan & Sole (2014) point out, “socialized gender roles or orientation may slightly predispose women and men to interpret messages differently in certain circumstances,” (Chapter 2, p. 8). Before we go further, remember that your gender orientation is totally different from your biological sex. Gender orientation is not just about being transgender, but about how your gender self-concept coincides with that of the society. As Bevan & Sole (2014) point out, gender orientation is a much stronger predictor than biological sex of relationship maintenance behaviors (Chapter 2). The stereotypical male means of relationship communications may include avoidance and aggression, being destructive or expressing jealousy; stereotypical female means of communication may include more integrative modes such as the desire to verbalize conflicts (Bevan & Sole, 2014, Chapter 2). Some biological males are more prone to using “feminine” communication styles or relationship maintenance behaviors, and some biological females may be more prone to using the “masculine” styles like avoidance. Being aware of your gender orientation will help you resolve conflicts in a healthier way, and also have more empathy and understanding for your partner.

Understanding that socialization, not biology, has driven your partner to react or communicate in certain ways may help you develop compassion and empathy. As Romo (2015) also points out, couples may encounter specific communications challenges when addressing difficult subjects like their finances. Sociocultural differences in how finances are perceived and addressed also intersect with gender identity. For instance, some men feel that they are responsible for being the primary earner and may feel emasculated if their female partner earns more than they do. Being honest about your feelings begins with self-awareness, and the knowledge that gender, culture, and socialization might have led to your forming cognitive schemas that are impeding effective communication. Finally, you and your partner may be from completely different backgrounds. Even if you have similar cultural backgrounds, your socioeconomic class or geographic place of origin might impact your nonverbal and verbal styles of communication. Try to be more aware of the role that both culture and gender play in how you were each socialized, and how those identities have contributed to your self-concept and comportment in relationships.

Conclusion

Congratulations! You have reached a point in your relationship where you are both committed to each other, willing to work through conflicts and overcome them, and able to engage in honest exchanges. Now that you are at the relationship maintenance stage, the most important factors for you will be the cultivation of empathy and self-awareness. Ultimately, you can see that effective communication requires the ability to change, as you will be challenged to be open-minded about your partner’s worldview, their belief systems, and their different ways of solving problems. If you are both committed to the relationship, you are now empowered with the knowledge and strategies you can use to overcome conflict and develop a strong sense of self too.



References
Bevan, J. L., & Sole, K. (2014). Making connections: Understanding interpersonal communication (2nd ed.) [Electronic version]/ Retrieved from: https://content.ashford.edu/
Cohen, J.N., Jensen, D., Dryman, M., et al (2015). Enmeshment schema and quality of life deficits. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy 29(1): 20-31.
Horne, R.M. & Johnson, M.D. (2018). Gender role attitudes, relationship efficacy, and self-disclosure in intimate relationships. The Journal of Social Psychology 158(1): 37-50.
Malouff, J.M., Schutte, N.S. & Thorsteinsson, E.B. (2013). Trait emotional intelligence and romantic relationship satisfaction: a meta-analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy 42(1): 53-66.
Romo, L.K. (2015). An examination of how people in romantic relationships use communication to manage financial uncertainty. Journal of Applied Communication Research 43(3): 315-335.
Sheldon, P., Gilchrist-Petty, E. & Lessley, J.A. (2014). You did what? Communication Reports 27(2): 78-90.