Gender-Based Differences in Communication Styles

Gender-Based Differences in Communication Styles

In her essay,"Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers," Deborah Tannen explains the reasons that men and women often have such difficulty communicating with one another. According to Tannen, men characteristically communicate very directly using words whereas women tend to communicate much more indirectly through what Tannen calls metamessages. By metamessages, Tannen means that women communicate through a much broader range of communication tools such as facial expressions and indirect communication strategies. Men communicate much more directly and literally and are often somewhat deaf (and blind) to the way that women try to communicate.

Tannen explains that men and women begin being socialized to communicate very differently in childhood. Whereas little girls tend to play in intimate pairs with one best friend of in small groups, little boys play in larger groups. Girls generally socialize very directly and share extensive verbal exchanges about their feelings and personal matters; boys generally socialize in much larger groups and indirectly in the context of sports or other activities. Their conversations tend to relate to one another only indirectly because most of their direct communication has to do with sports or other external activities and very little to do with their personal feelings and other personal matters.

Men continue that behavior into adulthood and tend to communicate very directly with words but their discussions are more about external things and events such as sports, business, politics, and current events. Even close male friends may avoid communicating anything more meaningful about their innermost feelings and personal matters. This presents a potential conflict in intimate relationships between men and women because they have fundamentally different communication styles and equally different expectations from one another.

In intimate relationships, men still communicate through the same direct methods but they have tremendous difficulty expressing more personal thoughts and feelings to their partners. They may throw themselves into work to support their families as an expression of their love but they have a much harder time expressing their love verbally. Meanwhile, women tend to rely on the same metamessages such as by communicating their feelings and needs to men through a wider range of communication strategies many of which are lost on men.

This can cause significant problems in intimate relationships because from the woman's perspective, she has been trying to communicate her thoughts and needs. Eventually, she can become hurt, angry, and resentful, because she interprets his ignorance as a rejection rather than realizing that he genuinely does not understand what she has been trying to communicate. The man may also become frustrated because from his perspective, he may be working very hard to take care of his family and that he is doing what men are supposed to do.