Ethical dimensions of consequential personal decisions

Ethical Decision

Ethical dilemma: To tell or not to tell?

One of the most difficult ethical decisions I ever faced occurred after a close friend of mine began dating a boy who did not respect her. My friend and her new boyfriend fought constantly. He was controlling and dictatorial regarding how much time she spent with her other friends. He often made nasty and cutting comments about how she dressed. Finally, I learned that he was cheating on my friend.

This immediately caused a conflict of values. On one hand, I felt a strong sense of loyalty to my friend and wanted to tell her immediately. However, I wondered, even from a utilitarian standpoint if this would be the 'best move.' After all, she might not believe me. She knew I did not like her new boyfriend and might be more apt to blame the messenger that had brought bad news than the guy who had 'done her wrong.' On the other hand, I strongly felt that she had a right to know, and that I had a moral obligation to tell her. If the situations had been reversed, I would want her to tell me.

I decided to ask an impartial observer for advice -- my mom. My mother said: "in situations like that, usually the woman doesn't want to hear the truth, based upon my experience." But my mom agreed that if she were dating a man that was cheating on her, she would want to know rather than live in ignorance. I decided to get a man's opinion, and asked a male friend of mine. He also agreed that I should tell, surprising me slightly. He said that a girlfriend of his had cheated on him, and if his friend hadn't made him aware of this, he might still be dating her.

I was in a terrible bind: if my friend discovered her boyfriend's infidelity and learned that I knew about it, she might never forgive me if I kept silent. On the other hand, she might subconsciously blame me if I was the one to reveal his crime. And yet maybe she knew but did not want to know. Sometimes people blind themselves when the truth is unbearable, and she had ignored all of his other follies and foibles, and made excuses for them.

My ultimate decision was reached because of a slightly self-interested perspective. I realized that the knowledge was making me ill. I was losing sleep over it, and I could not think of anything else. I was obsessed. I knew that regardless of the consequences to our friendship, I had to tell my friend. Even if she blamed me and pulled away from me, at least the information might plant a seed of suspicion in her mind. I hoped that she would leave this negative relationship and hopefully construct a new life for herself, one which was founded upon a sense of honesty and self-respect.