Predicting Marital Success or Failure

¶ … Predicting Marital Success or Failure

Marriage and marital success is an issue that has dominated debate in the counseling and research field for quite a long period of time. For a while now, researchers and counselors have sought answers to questions that seek to establish the reason why some marriages are successful while others are not. In that regard, it can be noted that there are many factors that impact on the success or failure of relationships and marriages. In this text, I highlight some of the factors that are deemed to be predictors of marital success or failure.

Factors Predicting Marital Success or Failure

What triggers all those unhealthy arguments and troubles in marriages? What causes marriages that seemed successful at first to eventually crumble or disintegrate? According to Clinton and Stacy (2006), some of the things more often than not blamed for friction as well as trouble in most marriages include but are not in any way limited to "crowded schedules, money pressures, communication problems, and midlife crises." While it is true that some of these things do actually bring about a dissociation of sorts in marriages, there has to be some key predictors to a successful of failing marriage. Gottman (2007) notes that today, it has become commonplace for marriages to dissociate. In his own words, the author concludes that given such a disturbing trend, "it becomes more crucial than ever to find an answer." In a bid to establish what exactly triggers marital failure, Gottman (2007) comes up with four warning signs that he christens "the four horsemen of the apocalypse." The warning signs in this case are given by the author as defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, criticism and contempt (Gottman, 2007).

When it comes to criticism, the same is characterized by one partner's constant attack on the other partner's character as well as personality as opposed to zooming in on the unwanted behaviors that trigger differences. According to the author, in this case, things begin to tumble down when one partner feels that either their complaints are being ignored or that the other party just keeps repeating the offending habit intentionally. This in the end worsens the situation as complaints become more commonplace. Thus each complain ends up being laced with other grievances that went unresolved in the past and eventually one or both partners start to blame or criticize each others personality while totally disregarding the particular action that brought about the argument in the first place. In Gottman's (2007) opinion, criticism as a warning sign may in a general way be occasioned by personal attacks or blaming.

Regarding contempt as a factor predicting marital failure, Gottman (2007) notes that the same involves one partner being insulting to the other. In most cases, the purpose of contempt is to bring down the other partner's sense of self by openly disrespecting him or her. Thus contempt may be occasioned by verbal abuse and/or name calling, use of mockery and/or sarcasm and the use of hostile humor. As an indicator of the damage contempt occasions to a marriage, Eggerichs (2004) is of the opinion that "no husband feels fond feelings of affection and love in his heart when he believes his wife has contempt for who he is as a human being." The reverse can also be said to be true.

The third warning sign that could be an indicator of marital failure is defensiveness. In Gottman's (2007) opinion, defensiveness is more often than not a function of a besieged feeling. This according to the author is indeed what makes defensiveness as a warning sign so "destructive." The various signs of defensiveness here include but are not in any way limited to denial of responsibility, looking for scapegoats (or constantly making excuses for shortcomings) and cross-complaining in which case one partner overrides the other partner's complaint with his or her own complaint.

The last predictor to marital failure in this case is stonewalling. Here, stonewalling may be characterized by the refusal of one partner to respond. It is important to note that when it comes to stonewalling, an occasional instance of the same can in fact benefit a marriage. However, stonewalling becomes destructive when it starts being regarded a typical response to marital conflict. When utilized on a regular basis as a way to avoid conflict, the same triggers a disconnect of sorts between partners. Stonewalling is more often than not characterized by one partner removing him or herself physically from an argument, switching subjects or maintaining of stony silence.

In regard to the above predictors to marital failure, it is important to note that at some point in marriage, couples may engage in such behaviors either consciously or subconsciously. These warning signs however lead to marital failure when they are allowed permanent residence in marriages. As a matter of fact, when the presence of these warning signs becomes chronic, the marriage is almost certainly headed for a dead end. With that in mind, it could be prudent for couples to come up with strategies of dealing with these 'four horsemen' before they occasion irreparable marital damage.

As Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010) note, "family researchers have found numerous premarital factors to be important in predicting later marital happiness and satisfaction." The authors in this give these predictors as background factors, personality factors and relationship factors. In a way, all these factors play a critical role in predicting marital success or failure.

Regarding background factors, it is important to note that though often overlooked, age at marriage is in most cases critical. In their submission, Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010) are of the opinion that "people who marry young are at greater risk of seeing their marriages fail." However, it can be noted that in most cases, the high likelihood of marital failure amongst those who marry young is in itself a function of several other key factors. For instance, one of the factors that may contribute to such failure is the impulsivity and immaturity evident in most young marriages. Further, Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010) are of the opinion that in most cases, when individuals enter or settle into young marriages, they may be forced to make sacrifices when it comes to education. This in itself impairs educational attainment which in most cases has a direct impact on an individual's chances of success either at the economic or occupational front. Such occurrences may in one way or the other trigger or worsen marital stress. Cheal (2008) is also of the opinion that those who choose to settle in marriages at an older age in most instances tend to be rather "mature and therefore are better able to cope with adjustments required of marriage."

It is also important to note that in a special way, education level has an actual impact on marital success. According to Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010), an individual's level of education enables the said individual to access additional resources which may be utilized in the execution of marital roles and duties. The authors in this case identify these additional resources as status, insight or income. Cheal (2008) is yet another author who views minimal education as a trigger of marital instability. Indeed, in the author's own opinion, couples who happen to be more educated face a significantly lower risk of marital dissolution.

Further, marital outcomes (either failure or success) may be shaped by the couple's religiousness. In Cheal's (2008) opinion, "religious observance is associated with marital durability, whereas not attending religious services is associated with greater likelihood of marital dissolution." This is an observance further reinforced by Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010) who feel that when couples are highly religious (more so the wives), chances of the marriage union being strengthened even further are greatly enhanced.

Next, parental divorce has also been cited as yet another factor predicting marriage success or failure. According to Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010), the divorce of an individual's parents may have two effects on the affected individual in relation to their view of marriage. To begin with, such an individual may either avoid marriage completely or marry with the conviction that they will try their level best to avoid the mistakes their parents did. In that regard, Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010) point out that an individual who grows up in a household where parents are divorced faces a higher risk of marital dissolution than an individual who grows up in a household where his or her parents are united in marriage.

When it comes to personality factors, it is important to note that they too might have an impact on marital outcomes (probability of marital success or failure). When individuals marry, they bring on board a wide range of early experiences, personal histories that are rather unique from those of their spouses, differing preferences and habits, different values and attitudes etc. In one way or the other, each couple's personality does indeed have a real impact on both how they relate with the other partner and in the long run; on the marriage itself. In the opinion of Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010), when it comes to issues marriage, opposites do not often attract. Instead, partners tend to seek each other out on the basis of shared characteristics. It is these shared characteristics that allow couples to foster greater understanding as well as empathy while facilitating or enhancing communication. Hence in that regard, a disconnect of sorts between the personality of couples may be taken to be an indicator of marital failure. Further, still on personality factors, Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010) note that a clear example of a disconnect between the personality of marriage partners may be evident where one partner has a highly rigid personality. Such a personality may in addition to frustrating conflict resolution also end up clouding negotiations. Similarly, a partner who has a dominating personality may not be willing to cede some level of control so as to give their marriage partners room to operate and make decisions. On the other hand, where both partners possess a caring and forgiving as well as an understanding attitude, chances are that their marriages will in the long run be more stable, happy and long-lasting.

Next, yet another predictor of marital success or failure closely related but significantly different from the point above is the ability to openly communicate as well as identify emotions. Over time, the ability to effectively and concisely communicate emotions has been said to differ by gender. Here, men are deemed to be less likely to both express their own emotions as well as connect with emotional expressions by their marriage partners. When this disconnect is chronic, it may adversely reduce the chances of marital success and hence occasion marital failure. It is important to note that this disconnect may lead to criticism which I earlier on in the text identify as one of the four warning signs presented by Gottman. For instance, failure of one partner to effectively and in a timely manner communicate his emotions could occasion a feeling of resentment which builds up over time. Thus in such a case, it is not unusual for couples to rope in previous happenings into a current argument thus effectively ignoring the current issue at hand.

Relationship factors also play a significant role in either enhancing or weakening the chances of marital success. It is important to note from the onset that relationship factors include the various relationship and premarital interaction aspects that impact on marital success. In this case, the ability of a couple to handle stress, accept each other's shortcomings as well as view things from a common point-of-view largely depends on some relationship factors including but not in any way limited to the couple's ability to maintain humor, affection as well as goodwill in the relationship. Of equal importance in this case are problem solving-skills. It can however be noted that conflict in a relationship does not always have to be an indicator of marriage failure. In the opinion of Celello (2009), it is not the kind or number of problems faced by married individuals that distinguish a successful marriage from that which is not. Rather, success in marriage is largely determined by the resources to handle such issues the couple has at its deposal. Resources in this case could be taken to include the ability to forgive, express emotions as well as cede ground. In regard to forgiveness, even the Bible (Ephesians 4:31,32) does emphasize on the relevance of the same. In Celello's (2009) own words, "the resourceless people are overcome by their problems; the resourceful overcome them." Hence with that in mind, the ability of couples to effectively identify, solve as well as manage their problems could have an impact on the success or failure of their marriage. Further, as Strong, DeVault and Cohen (2010) note, "the presence of conflict early in marriage does not indicate that the marriage is doomed…" in fact, the authors are of the opinion that newlyweds have a tendency to overlook problematic issues particularly during their first year in marriage. This the authors attribute to what is popularly regarded to as the honeymoon effect which they go ahead to define as the high probability of newlyweds overlooking issues identified as problematic soon after marriage. Other relationship factors which may have a significant impact on either the success or failure of most marriages include the expectations each partner has regarding marital roles and duties as well as issues relating to trust and intimacy.

Yet another indicator or predictor of marital success or failure is cohabitation. According to Cheal (2008), "couples who live together prior to marriage are more likely to see their relationship break up than are couples who get married without cohabiting." This assertion is largely contrary to the popular belief that living together before marriage gives individuals a better chance to further understand each other thus effectively reducing chances of marital disturbances going forward. One of the reasons that have been floated for the higher chances of marital turbulence for those who engage in premarital cohabitation is the perceived minimal commitment to the institution of marriage. In this case, those who view marriage as the beginning of their conjugal life tend to exhibit greater commitment to marriage as an institution and hence may tend to be more resilient even when the relationship experiences some challenges along the way.