Family and marriage experiences across relationships and life stages

¶ … 13-year marriage as it is held against the Kolb model. The writer uses the six model categories to present an exploration of the marriage and the raising of three children during that marriage. The Kolb model assists in narrating the experiences gained in the marriage.

After being married 13 years one is bound to have a long list of different experiences. When one adds three children to that marriage the experiences are going to multiply and extrapolate ten fold. A marriage of 13 years with children in the marriage provides compromise experience that cannot be rivaled by many professional experiences.

When one is married with children the entire existence of the family becomes about compromise. Whether it is choosing where the family vacations, to what school district the children should attend, there are constant choices and compromises to be made if the family is to live cohesively and peacefully.

The parents of the family, who are married to each other have to learn to work as a team and compromise without allowing either partner to become a patsy or a yes man. The children have to learn to compromise so that there can be peace and harmony in the family unit and family members can grow close and grow up together.

There are many experiences to be gained in 13 years of marriage and child raising but one of the most important and transferable experiences will be compromise.

Introduction

When one has been married for 13 years there are many experiences to be gained. One generally has to learn how to cook, clean, raise children, possibly deal with multiple family pets and other things that go along with being married.

Married life can be the highlight of one's existence, the downfall of one's existence or anything in between. Marriage for 13 years requires work. It is not something that is to be undertaken lightly nor is it something that can be accomplished without a strong sense of commitment and dedication to the union as well as to each other. When one adds children to the mix the picture becomes much more complicated. Children are something that leave the bloodline and parental mark on the world but they also can create problems and stress within the marriage union.

Often times, parents do not agree on the best way to raise, or discipline the children as they are growing up and this can cause a significant amount of stress to the marriage.

Compromise is an important skill within a marriage for several reasons.

In an era when remarriage is common and possessions are plentiful, deciding what to keep and what to jettison after saying "I do" can require diplomacy, patience, and perhaps a little friendly persuasion. Love may be lovelier the second time around, as the old song claims. But that doesn't mean the furniture, art, and bric-a-brac second-timers bring to their new nest always appear lovely to a new spouse.

Finding ways to integrate favorite belongings - and keep the peace - can be a delicate adjustment. "This is an important process," says Lisa Cohn of Portland, Ore., who remarried eight years ago. But with respect, flexibility, and inventiveness, she and others say, the results can be satisfying (Gardner, 2005)."

The marriage of 13 years coupled with the children being born and all that it entails provides lifetime experience that can be transferred to professional situations, group situations and leadership situations.

One of the most important skills that is gained in a 13-year-old marriage with children is the skill of compromise. Compromise is something that can be beneficial in many life or professional situations, but in the case of marriage it is essential to the cohesive existence of the entire family.

Concrete Experience

When one is married with children there are many areas of compromise required. Two of the examples of compromise that can be used is that of family vacation and that of family discipline. Family vacations are supposed to be situations in which the family members spend time together and bond more closely. In many cases however, the family vacation becomes a stress filled problem that threatens to pit family members against each other.

The art and skill of compromise that is learned through working at 13 years of marriage and having children can come in when it comes to the issue of family vacations. Compromise works when each side learns to give in on certain issues and not to give in on others so that everybody walks away from the table happy with the outcome and decisions that have been made.

In our family the issue of family vacations became a stressful situation until we used the compromise skills we had learned throughout the marriage to make things easier.

The children wanted to go to Disneyland for family vacation. I wanted to go to the beach and my spouse wanted to go to the mountains. In most family decision making situations the family works together and takes a vote but in this case it was not that simple. There are more children than there are adults and we knew without a doubt the children would vote us to the Magic Kingdom without considering finances, stress, time or the desires of the parents in the matter.

We instead decided to work with our family compromise skills and see what we could come up with.

Each member of the family was charged with developing a presentation that pushed for a vacation other than the one they voted for. They were also charged with presenting the place they did want to go. This was done so that all family members would be forced to learn a bit about the other vacation spots and why the person who wanted to go there chose it.

We each prepared our presentations and then had an all night family evening in which we presented our arguments for vacation spots.

Each of the family members used compromise skills when we finally decided what to do for the vacation.

We called Disney and discovered that we could purchase a package that would include a four day stint at Disneyland and then put us on a cruise ship which would take us to the beach for three days. The only problem left was the mountains. That is when we decided to camp for the three days before we were set to arrive at the Disneyland hotel. The compromises were involved because the children wanted to spend an entire week at Disneyland and they gave up three days of that desired week so that we could do the cruise to see the beaches. I compromised because I do not like crowds and wanted to spend a full week on a beach somewhere, such as Destin FL. I agreed to go to the theme park and then get on a ship so that we could dock where there would be beaches. My spouse compromised when we decided to do the cruise and the theme park with a few day camp trip to the mountains beforehand. My spouse actually wanted to spend an entire week in the mountains and was not thrilled to discover what it would cost to go to the cruise and the theme park.

Everyone made a compromise for the purpose of providing a vacation in which every need would be met.

We also compromised on the issue of money. We agreed that the children would come up with their own spending money and they would do chores around the house to earn that money as well as chores for the neighbors. We would provide the cost of the trip, the tickets and the meals as well as the hotel but any money for extra spending, gifts for friends of souvenirs, would be the responsibility of the child.

Because we are dealing with children I had to steer them toward the proper act of compromise. I used my many years as a mother to do this. I worked with each child on their presentations to be sure they made an honest effort to understand alternative vacation spots. I also presented them with a chart of chores and the prices I would pay for them so that they would be able to earn spending money for the trip. Then I made the phone calls that garnered the information for each vacation choice so that we had accurate and up-to-date information on where and how much each trip might cost alone and when combined with the other excursions.

It was about halfway through the experience when I realized that my ability to provide family members with the skill of compromise could be transferred to the professional world.

APPLICATION

The knowledge of compromise that I received through my 13-year marriage and raising of children can be transferred to other situations. It can work within the family again and it can also be transferred to professional situations as well. The many situations that I have encountered within the marriage and parenting have easily transferred to other situations including professional ones. Professional need for compromise is seen in just about every field there is. The ability to evaluate the options and compromise for the sake of cohesive existence is something viewed as extremely valuable in professional settings.

The many problems that have been resolved in my marriage and raising of children have been done through the understanding of the importance of compromise. I have become so used to using the art of compromise to accomplish goals that I believe it can transfer easily to the professional setting.

The many needs that have been encountered at home and other settings where my family is concerned have educated me and I have been able to manipulate situations to benefit everyone involved. I believe this can transfer to a professional level because often times there has to be compromise to get an idea pushed through and accomplished. Working with others is something that I have learned how to do by being a member of a 13-year marriage with children.

I have also used my skill of compromise in school that I polished in the marriage. When I register for school there are times I cannot get the classes that I want and need at that time. Instead of getting upset about it I take a breath and compromise with my previous plans and take different classes that I will be able to use at a later date.

Observation and Reflections

Once the family vacation situation was over with I had time to reflect on its outcome. I evaluated how we came to the conclusion and solution that we did and I realized it was once again all about compromise. After 13 years of marriage and raising children it had become second nature to me to compromise and to encourage others to compromise as well.

A extracted many experiences from the previous years in marriage and used them to encourage family members to compromise when it came to the family vacation argument that we were having. Before coming up with the presentation idea I contemplated many other ideas such as laying down the law, mom and dad choosing, letting the majority rule etc. All of the choices seemed to hurt one or another of the family members and it was important to me that everyone be pleased. After all it was supposed to be a family bonding time for all of us.

Compromise is such an important and transferable skill that politicians depend on it to run the nation. When they cannot compromise the entire nation suffers the consequences as one expert says:

Important policy debates that used to be settled between colleagues and friends have now sadly degenerated into a series of bitter and cynical stalemates. It is a situation in which many stubborn, close-minded partisans are refusing to compromise for the greater good for our citizens (Breaux, 2005).