Forgiveness in the Trenches: Empathy,

¶ … Forgiveness in the Trenches: Empathy, Perspective Taking, and Anger" by Gary L. Welton, Peter C. Hill and Kevin S. Seybold, Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 2008

Families of all types and sizes have fights, sometimes extremely severe ones, but in most cases these disputes are resolved over time and family functioning resumes its normal pace. In other cases, though, family members will hold on to longstanding and bitter grudges in ways that can disrupt the day-to-day routine of the household and even cause permanent rifts between family members. In this regard, Welton, Hill and Seybold (2008) point out that, "Some types of offense may be more likely to elicit an angry response. For example, offenses that create a greater threat to the self or self-esteem are more likely to elicit anger and revenge seeking" (p. 170). For married couples, these permanent rifts and revenge seeking activities frequently lead to separation or divorce and few ever get a second chance at resolving the problems that divided them in the first place. In their non-experimental analysis of forgiveness among 63 married couples who had either been ordered to a mediation center to resolve their differences or were in the process of filing for divorce, Welton and his associates report the results of their analysis of the effectiveness of a mediation center in helping these couples reconcile their differences.

Despite the complexity of the construct of forgiveness, researchers have determined that a reduction in the negative emotions that are created in reaction to an offense is an important first step in defusing the situation, and such a reduction may be all that can be reasonably expected in some circumstances. There are, though, a number of ways to react to an offense besides forgiveness, but the studies to date suggest that anything short of outright forgiveness may result in further conflicts (Welton et al., 2008). According to Welton and his associates, "In the case of ongoing relationships (such as romantic partners), simply reducing negative emotions, motivations, or behavior is less likely to produce forgiveness" (p. 169). Therefore, given the tight-knit quality of most marital relationships, anything short of absolute forgiveness will inevitably result in harbored resentment, anger and hostility. Some types of offenses are not easily forgiven, of course, and marital infidelity certainly ranks among them, but negative reactions in response to even the most egregious offenses can be forgiven if certain conditions are satisfied. For example, Welton and his associates cite the need for empathy in resolving marital conflicts and report that an individual's level of empathy is a predictor of their ability to forgive. Another attribute, "perspective taking," is similar to empathy but differs in that, "Perspective taking is a cognitive process that involves the imaginative ability to put one's self in the place of another," an attribute that "has long been viewed as critical for effective social interaction" (Welton et al., 2008, p. 169).