Lament for a Son: The Journey of Grief Towards Hope

Lament for a Son: Christian Grief

There are few human experiences as all-encompassing in their horror as the loss of a child. It feels unnatural for a child to die before a parent. The "natural" order of things is that the parents raise the children, se them on their way, and die, making way for the new generation to make its own mark on the world. When a child dies, especially at an age as young as 25, the entire world is ripped from the remaining parents, who must suddenly live not only with the greatest loss a person could experience, but also with the unexpected nature of that loss. This is the case with Dr. Nicholas Wolterstorff, author of Lament for a Son, a book written in dedication to his son who died at the age of 25 after a mountain climbing accident. What makes Dr. Wolterstorff's book unusual is the fact that he not only expresses the magnitude of his grief and loss in an honest and visceral way. He also does this in a way that honors and glorifies his faith in a God who allows such things to happen. It is in this faith that the author rediscovers his capacity for joy and fulfillment in the midst of almost impossible psychological and emotional pain. Hence, in his journey through the five stages of grief, Dr. Wolterstorff uses his faith to navigate through the initial denial, anger, depression, and bargaining, and also to achieve the final stage of acceptance.

David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross have identified five basic stages of grief, of which the final one is acceptance. The most important element of acceptance is something few who have not themselves been through the grieving process understand. Acceptance does not mean that grief is over. It does not mean that the bereaved is no longer aware of the loss. It simply means that the pain is less sharp, less visceral, and less all-encompassing. The grief remains, but it remains in a way that allows the bereaved to move on with life, carrying the beauty and love of the life that has been lost within their hearts. This is the central message of Dr. Wolterstorff's book (Schroden, 2007). Through his faith in God, the author was able to work through the initial shock, the anger, the incomprehensibility, and the loss to find his way back to a joyful celebration not only of his faith, but also of the love he will hold for his son until the end of his own life.

Like any parent, Wolterstorff's first reaction to his son's death was a sense of denial and incomprehension. As a man of faith, Nicholas Wolterstorff was filled with questions when his son died. Most of all, he asked the question that all who have lost a loved one tend to ask: Why? After the initial shock and denial, this denotes a sense of anger (Schroden, 2007). Like all parents who have ever lost a child, the author muses that "He was meant to bury me!" (Wolterstorff, p. 16). It is not outright anger, however, but more a sense of confusion. The author cannot understand why God would allow his son to die. He even goes so far as to say that "God has shaken the mountain" (p. 66), allowing his son to die. He asks questions, but receives no answers, and ultimately compares himself to Job, understanding that there is nothing that caused him to deserve such grief.

While Wolterstorff seems to have therefore experienced a significant amount of denial and anger, the greater part of his Lament seems to be taken up by depression. He is simply unable to comprehend the enormity of the pain he is experiencing. Losing his son at such a young age is simply incomprehensible, and he cannot understand why God has allowed it.

This is not where it ends for the sorrowful father, however. In what might be considered his "bargaining" stage, Wolterstorff works not so much to comprehend why God has allowed him to experience the greatest loss a human being could go through, as attempting to comprehend the person of God. Although this is not "bargaining" in the traditional sense, it is the beginning of an attempt to reach out to the perceived cause of his pain. As a believer, the author is unable to comprehend his son's death as other than the will of God. Rather than letting his confusion boil into anger, the author takes refuge by exploring the Bible. This is the first step towards comprehension. As such, Wolterstorff attempts to understand God in terms of his own experience as a father, and comes to the conclusion that God was himself a grieving father. God has himself lost a son. And as such, Nicholas Wolterstorff comes to a position of understanding God in terms of his own life and status as a parent who has suffered a terrible loss. Wolterstorff comes to realize that he is not alone in his grief, and that God did not cause his grief, but rather that God shares his grief. Even more than this, he and God are fellow mourners, sharing in the grief over the death of their sons (Wolterstorff, p. 67). As an ultimate testament to this, he says, "through our tears we see the tears of God" (p. 80). After he places himself on a level of grief that he can understand in terms of his relationship with God, Wolterstorff further works to understand what has happened and his emotions around it. This further journey begins his work towards acceptance (Feldmeyer, 2012).