Growing Again Growing Up Again

Growing Again

Growing up Again by Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson is a book that makes a concerted effort to establish what the rudimentary tools are that parents should employ to raise their children in a balanced environment; fundamentally, with the goal of their approach is instilling a true form of self-esteem in children and, subsequently, in the adults they become. The underlying difficulty for all parents is, however, that they want to raise their children in a manner that provides them with self-esteem, but they often do not know what to do. Largely, this is because parents want to take what they believed helped them as children and adolescents, apply it to their own children, and omit that which they believe was detrimental. Without a doubt, for all parents, this will leave them in many situations in which they have no guidepost to judge what mode of parenting will be most effective. Additionally, the authors caution "some people who received neglectful, abusive, or smothering parenting are so determined to not do the same that they 'parent by doing the opposite.' The hazard is that they can often go too far." (Clarke, 7). In short, this sort of pattern demands some sort of outside information; Clarke and Dawson intend to provide this information.

According to the authors, at the core of good parenting are appropriate boundaries. Many boundaries are built up simply through structure in a daily routine; however, other forms of structure need to be explicitly set. Still, above all, the structures that parents provide for their children need to be consistent: consistent punishments, consistent rewards, and consistent acknowledgement of propriety. At first, the authors contend, young children may not even be aware that they are conforming to the boundaries that their parents have set, but eventually they will learn to negotiate the terms of their boundaries. Accordingly, "As children grow older it is important to increase the number of negotiable rules, making some of the nonnegotiable negotiable." (Clarke, 34). They also stress the importance of not making the rules immutable; this is because if they cannot be changed, they effectively function as the child's structure; instead the structure itself should maintain its implicit properties through plastic rule-making.

In addition to boundaries, children need to be nurtured. Still, this nurturing need not be boundless smothering, but instead should be restrained, assertive, and supportive care. One key to nurturing one's child in this manner has to do with the mechanisms through which we reassure them and ourselves when things go wrong. Clarke and Dawson call this practice discounting. Essentially, parents need to empower their children to face their fears and problems, rather than demeaning their concerns.

With this general methodology outlined, Clarke and Dawson attempt to specify how parenting should change as children enter different stages of their lives. Their overall plan for this is to merely take things on a day-to-day basis; help your children each time they need helping; when obstacles come-up between you, address them, and heal each one as it comes. The authors follow this progression all the way up until the issues that arise when children eventually leave home. Ultimately, they bring all of the pieces of the puzzle together to give a broad picture of how families should evolve through time in order to keep interpersonal relationships alive and functioning.