Hell: history, theology, and cultural representations

Hell Morning Star

Est. For All Time in Purgatory

LUCIFER BANISHED to HELL

God Silent on Reasons for Lucifer's Departure

In a stunning development in Heaven, Lucifer, one of Our Heavenly Father's archangels, has attempted a coup against God himself. God smote his rebellion down himself, and as a result, has denounced Lucifer and banished him to live forever in the depths of Hell, below ground on Earth, in what is being called Purgatory.

Pride, it is rumored, caused the angel's fall, and several of the heavenly host who helped with the rebellion have departed Heaven to live with Lucifer in his new home.

Prophet Isaiah says of the incident:

"How you are fallen from heaven,

O Lucifer, son of the morning!

How you are cut down to the ground,

You who weakened the nations!"

Lucifer Ponders His Fate

God remains silent on the banishment of Lucifer, but it is rumored the banishment is permanent, and Lucifer refuses to beg for forgiveness. While God remains silent, other Heavenly residents expressed their pleasure at Lucifer's departure.

One unnamed angel said, "He always made me nervous, somehow. I'm not sorry to see him go, nor his traitorous followers, but I shall pray for the redemption of their souls every day throughout eternity."

Another anonymous source notes "Lucifer wanted too much power, and God knew he was dangerous. He wasn't the angel we thought he was, that's certain."

Lucifer himself was also unavailable for comment, but an imp sent back for some of Lucifer's belongings said, "Come visit us sometime, you'll find it quite toasty down under!" It is rumored Lucifer has taken a new name in his new residence in Hell. He now goes by the names Satan or the Devil. God had no comment on Lucifer's name change, either.

According to the imp, an eyewitness to the events, Lucifer's new home is filled with fire, brimstone, and dark caverns awaiting tortured souls to fill them. Lucifer did send word he welcomes all visitors, but warns they should come prepared to stay for eternity.

(Editors Note: Sources 2 and 4 contributed to this article.)

OBITUARIES

Staff Writers

Hell has welcomed several new members in the past decades.

Adolph Hitler -- German dictator, madman, and mass executioner is spending his time here in the Jewish section of Hell, attempting to explain his mass genocide during the Holocaust.

Idi Amin -- Cruel Ugandan dictator and death squad organizer with ties to the Soviet Union and the PLO. Deposed in 1979, he spent the rest of his life in exile. Here in Hell, you can find Amin serving Satan as a butler.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi -- Jordanian leader of al Qaeda in Iraq. Murderer of thousands and head of insurgent attacks against U.S. inside Iraq. A supporter of Osama bin Laden, al-Zarqawi now resides in Hell's Kitchen, creating a variety of pork and other succulent dishes for Satan and his helpers.

DAMNATION SPORTS

In sports news, attempts to form a new soccer league here in Hell have been thwarted by the heat continually melting the soccer ball. Satan is working on self-cooling soccer ball, with mixed results. The league will continue if the ball is perfected.

In other sports news, the Hell Baseball League (HBL) is looking forward to beginning playoffs for the championship series between the Devil's Advocates, Hell Hath No Furies, We're no Angels, and the Down Under Wonders.

Office pools are not condoned, and spectators should bring their own ice, as the bleachers are consistently hotter than Hell.

Football season is officially underway here in Hell, too. If you missed tryouts in the summer, additional positions have opened up due to injuries on the field. Apply with your local Hell guardian if you're interested in playing Hell's most violent game.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

HELL OFFICIALLY FREEZES OVER!

Staff Writers

The Devil said it couldn't happen, but in a bizarre show of faith from above, Hell has indeed frozen over. Icicles hung from the caverns, and the Devil himself sported a coat of hoarfrost at least for a minute or two.

The sparkling sheets of ice seemed to suspend time, and residents were seen shivering and shaking all throughout Hell.

The Devil shrugged off the phenomenon, saying it was simply a "technical glitch" after installing new Microsoft software on Hell's main computer system.

Many residents, sure of their rescue from Purgatory, began packing their bags, but the deep freeze only lasted a few hours. The Devil re-booted the system and Hell returned to normal.

The Devil has noted as punishment, when Bill Gates attempts to enter those Pearly Gates, Saint Peter will certainly send him straight to Hell for his participation in Microsoft, the biggest monopoly on the planet.

MY DAY in HELL

The day began like any other, but by the end of the day, the poet Virgil led me on one of the most bizarre journeys I have ever experienced.

He led me through the levels of Hell, from the depths of this terrible place, to Purgatory, and then upwards to Heaven. I can tell you, Hell is not a place I should like to return to anytime soon.

When I entered Hell's gates, I noticed a sign above reading, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." I knew I was lost, and hoped only to make my way out of this eternal Hell that held so many in its' grasp.