Marriage Work According to Commonly

¶ … Marriage Work

According to commonly cited statistics, at least half of all marriages end in divorce in the U.S., the average length of marriage is approximately 7-8 years, and sexual infidelity issues affect more marriages than not. Even if the definition of success in marriage is no more than duration and fidelity, more marriages are unsuccessful than successful.

Unfortunately, duration and fidelity are tremendously low standards for defining marital success because statistics about divorce and infidelity rates fail to account for all of the additional marriages that last comparatively long and in which infidelity is not a problem, but one or both spouses is unhappy most of the time. By that standard, the successful marriage would be quite rare.

To a large degree, successful marriage depends on choosing appropriate candidates for romantic relationships in the first place, rather than someone whose primary draw is in our own unresolved psychological issues. Successful marriage also depends on marrying for the right reasons and not because of family pressure, societal expectations, or by ultimatum. Friendship is also crucial to successful marriage, but that requires an understanding of what being friends means in the context of marriage.

Parenthood is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding of all human experiences, but it is not necessarily right for many couples. Even when it is right and where the marriage is successful in general, there are negative consequences to the marriage, at least temporarily. On the other hand, having children for the wrong reasons is likely to be fatal to marriages that are not successful in general beforehand.

Continued sexual attraction in marriage is another element that contributes significantly to the success of marriage, and that requires avoiding fairly typical patterns seen in many marriages with respect to making some of the same kinds of effort for one's spouse that one made for the purpose of attracting a partner. In many respects, the most important issue for the success of marriage may have to do with simply maintaining a realistic perspective of marriage beginning long before we meet a prospective spouse.

Choosing an Appropriate Partner:

In principle, choosing the right partner may be the single most important element of achieving a successful marriage, although it is no guarantee, and certainly not on its own (DeAngelis, 2001). In that regard, there are two principle measures of who the "right" person is for any particular individual. First, (and without suggesting that either is necessarily more important than the other), prospective partners should be physically attracted to one another and sexually compatible; second, they should be at least as compatible in every other respect as they are with their closest same-sex (or other platonic) friends (Branden, 2004).

Physical and sexual chemistry is important, but all too often, people choose candidates for marital partners heavily swayed by those factors where other crucial elements are missing. On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes people choose a marital partner despite insufficient physical attraction and sexual chemistry because they believe (incorrectly) that is "shallow" to consider those factors necessary in a potential partner (Branden, 2004). Another way of characterizing the importance of both elements is to suggest that there is a minimum degree of physical and sexual attraction that is necessary for happy long-term marriage and that there is also a simultaneous (and equally important) requirement that a marital partner be someone we would genuinely like and choose to have in our lives very closely even without any issues of attraction, such as if both were of the same gender (and heterosexual).

Avoiding the Repetition Compulsion:

Most psychoanalytical theorists (and many other experts in human relationships) consider the so-called repetition compulsion to be a universal feature of human psychology (Hendrix, 2004). In principle, it describes the manner in which we tend to develop particular psychological issues or themes in our relations with others based on the way that some of our foundational experiences affected us. In general, human beings tend to recreate some of the circumstances that affected us negatively early in our lives, partly in an unconscious attempt to "fix" things in our psychological past, and partly because biological organisms tend to repeat whatever is familiar to them, often, even when it is negative (Branden, 2004; DeAngelis, 2001; Hendrix, 2004)

The fact that we may choose circumstances and people in our lives that recreate negative experiences is counterintuitive, because it makes little sense. If a child is neglected or verbally abused at home, one would expect that at an adult, that person would never choose a neglectful or abusive partner but someone who is the exact opposite. However, especially in the realm of romantic love, we have a powerful natural but completely unconscious urge to seek out individuals who exhibit the same behaviors as those we experienced in our formative years (Hendricks & Hendricks, 1999; Hendrix, 2004).

Therefore, one of the elements of successful marriage is picking potential partners in a more conscious manner and learning to understand what aspects of our early experiences and family-of-origin relationships may play a role in our romantic impulses and choices (Hendricks & Hendricks, 1999).

Marriage for the Right Reasons:

There are many bad reasons to get married and people who get married for the wrong reasons are much less likely to experience successful marriages than couples who marry for the right reason. The fact that one has reached a certain age, that many of one's friends are getting married, or that one's parents would like one to get married are all wrong reasons to consider marriage (Bradshaw, 2002; Branden, 2004; DeAngelis, 2001). Another bad reason to get married is to "fix" a failing relationship or to reconcile a breakup, or in response to an ultimatum (Hendrix, 2004).

Moving toward marriage because of a preconceived notion about what age a person "should" get married, or because everyone else seems to be getting married, or to satisfy one's parents all dramatically increase the chances of settling for someone who is not necessarily a good candidate, provided that the goal of marriage is for both partners to be happy for the long-term. Marrying in order to fix a failing relationship, to reconcile a breakup, or in response to an ultimatum as a condition of continuing the relationship almost guarantee that a marriage will be short and unsuccessful (Branden, 2004).

In some ways, the right reasons to get married are much simpler: namely, the best reason to get married is because two people are enjoying a healthy and happy long-term relationship and decide (mutually) that they are both equally interested in making their relationship a permanent (and official) one. Therefore, according to Branden (2004), one might distinguish the wrong reasons to get married from the right reasons the same way a famous sculptor once described how to sculpt an elephant from a shapeless mass: "You just cut off everything that doesn't look like an elephant." Likewise, when you eliminate all the typical wrong reasons for getting married, people generally get married for the right reason: namely, because they have made each other happy long enough to expect that to continue in the long-term.

Being Best Friends: What That Does and Does Not Mean:

Successful marriage does not necessarily mean that spouses enjoy all the same things or share superficial similarities. That is not to say that it is not helpful when they do, just that it is relatively unimportant in terms of meaningful compatibility (Branden, 2004; DeAngelis, 2001). A marriage between two sports fans can be completely unsuccessful while a marriage between an extreme athlete and a poet can be tremendously successful. Ironically, the belief that marital partners must necessarily share all their hobbies and preferences to be "happily married" is probably responsible for a tremendous amount of unhappiness in marriage (Branden, 2004).

It is not necessary (and counterproductive to individual happiness) in marriage that either spouse participate in any activities not enjoyed by both partners. What is important is the manner in which partners accommodate each other by allowing each to pursue and enjoy whatever superficial enjoyments either prefers and that partners are not threatened or offended by the fact that partners may not necessarily share all of each other's interests. In fact, individuals whose principal basis for a relationship was their mutual love of movies, or rock climbing, or music are unlikely to have successful marriages because those are superficial bases for a lifelong relationship. What is much more important than superficial similarities and preferences is that a prospective couple share a general outlook of beliefs and perspective, or a worldview of core values and attitudes about life (Branden, 2004; DeAngelis, 2001; Hendricks & Hendricks, 1999).

Having Children: Right Reasons and Wrong Reasons:

Just as in the case getting married, there are right reasons and wrong reasons to make that choice as well. Also as with marriage, the wrong reasons for having children would include the fact that one has reached a specific age, that everyone else seems to be having children, or that one's parents are anxious to become grandparents. On one hand, parenthood is tremendously rewarding for people who make the decision to become parents the right way. On the other hand, even in the best case scenario, child-rearing is also one of the most difficult and stressful of life's experiences that a couple can share.

In many cases, young couples assume they will necessarily become parents simply because that is what is expected of them and because they are socialized to believe that everyone should become a parent. Consider how infrequently anyone ever asks couples (or single individuals, for that matter) if they're planning on becoming parents. Usually, it is more or less assumed that parenthood less a specific decision and more just an inevitable stage of life that everyone goes through (Bradshaw, 2002).

In fact, not everyone is necessarily cut out for parenthood but that is comparatively less often presented as a realistic option for healthy married couples. As difficult as the many strains of raising children can be on parents who make a healthy and fully conscious choice to have children, they are monumentally more difficult on couples who just drift into becoming parents by the momentum of societal expectation or who choose to do so for specific (wrong) reasons other than their truest desires. Naturally because of the magnitude and importance of this decision, the individual attitudes, beliefs, and expectations of marital partners should be known to each other and thoroughly discussed and be compatible within their respective worldview of the other long before the couple decides to become parents, or for that matter, to become a married couple in the first place (Bradshaw, 2002; Branden, 2004; DeAngelis, 2001).

Issues of Attraction in Marriage:

Certainly, physical attraction is a superficial component of human relations; on the other hand, we are naturally evolved to respond differently to others based on sexual (and various other superficial) traits. In fact, but for the sexual impulse, comparatively few adults would have any expectation or desire to find a live-in life partner. Exceptions exist at both ends of the spectrum, but generally, couples who remain sexually attractive to one another throughout their marriage are likely to be happier together than couples who do not.

Naturally, nobody expects to look the same at 50 as at 25 or for sex to be as exciting in long-term monogamous marriage as in dating. However, there is a big differenced between aging as gracefully as possible and completely giving up every effort to remain sexually attractive after marriage the way many couples do. More specifically, it is not so much that couples necessarily fall apart after marriage; rather, they reverse their priorities with respect to physical attraction, their spouses, and the world outside the home. Before marriage (and especially while single) most people devote considerable effort to their appearance. Generally, the greatest effort in that regard is reserved for prospective dates and during courtship leading to marriage (Branden, 2004).

Therefore, to the extent continued sexual fulfillment is an element of success in marriage, there are certain patterns that are destructive in that regard. When either spouse responds to being married as though there is no longer any point to watching one's weight (for just one typical example) that may not impact the love of one's spouse, but it very well may have a negative effect on sexual attraction, and therefore, sexual relations in marriage.

Ironically, as singles, we make the greatest effort to look our most attractive for the person in whom we have a potential romantic interest. Once married, however, many people take their appearance for granted when it comes to one's spouse, and make more effort to look one's best for relative strangers. By itself, that may not necessarily threaten a marriage or make it unsuccessful; but it hardly helps the matter and it is easily avoidable. If he or she was worth the effort to look good for to attract, he or she is worth the effort to look good for after the commitment to lifelong monogamy.

Maintaining Realistic Expectations for Married Life:

Family counselor John Bradshaw (2004) explains extensively how much the common problems in marriage have to do with power struggles that erupt at relatively predictable periods after marriage. Too often, couples never discuss their respective expectations about what married life will actually be once the excitement of engagement, wedding planning, and honeymoons are over and married life actually begins.

Ironically, it is often relatively small issues that can generate conflict during this stage: such things as whether or not the family ordinarily eats dinner at the kitchen table or in the dining room, or with the television on or off may never come up until a married couple is already sharing a home. Very often, when these types of conflicts first come up, both partners bring to the marriage a relatively inflexible expectation of what happens in the family and what is "right" in those matters (Bradshaw, 2002).