How to raise respectful children

¶ … Raise Respectful Children

Children are an extension of their parents and they were they are raised affects their personality to a great extent. It is only right that parents should focus on building the right kind of relationship with them so that they grow up to be better human beings and better citizens and carry that upbringing with them as well.

Since it is a stage where human beings can be easily molded into whatever shape you would like them to, you should particularly care for what you say in front of them or do, and what you teach them, because they are impressionable and pick everything, not just the good.

In raising children, one should always keep God in mind, and seek Him out, and look to Him for help at all times. And teach your kids to do the same. And one should remember that no matter how touch the going gets, you should never stop giving love to your children. Punishments and anger, conflicts and issues aside, your children should always know that you love them unconditionally because that monitors everything that they do. (Clinton T. & Sibcy. G, 2006)

Everybody loves their children with a passion, and they also want to express that love to them almost all the time. However, parents need to monitor their love so it doesn't become unhealthy for the upbringing of children. After succumbing to God, one should realize the ways in which they express love and see if it is healthy. You should never overprotect, overindulge, or over control children. Don't lie to them about situations and life in general, but tell them that it does get tough, but they can handle it, through God's grace and by giving love and receiving it. However remember their age and tell them accordingly.

Learn to give them freedom, with responsibility, however always keep praying for them, not prying unnecessarily. Everybody needs space. (Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G., 2006. Loving your child too much: How to keep a close relationship with your child without overindulging, overprotecting or over controlling)

One should never give in to the whims of their children, which only leads them to being ungrateful. One should nourish them and provide for them, but teach them the value of money and the importance of earning it. Give them work and work with them so that you develop that bond while building a good citizen. However, don't make the relationship all about work. Enjoy life with them and most importantly, spend time with because they cherish that more than material things in life. If you spend time with them, you will learn all about them, and you can raise them according, for also, every child is different, and you need to flex accordingly.

Emotions are an incremental part of everyone's life. Teaching children how to deal with this variety of emotions is also crucial. Don't tell them how to feel, respect how they feel, and identify what they are feeling when they are feeling complex. It is good to let them feel all sorts of feelings, parents should not step into their affairs every time because that stunts their room to grow and develop. Also very important is that this love should be consistent. One should be there for children even during stressful times: make them feel that it is not their fault and you will get through any event. Try not changing life too much for them because they are children after all. (Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. 2006. Loving your child too much: How to keep a close relationship with your child without overindulging, overprotecting or over controlling)

Another focus on upbringing is the fact that this is something that leads to the future of your children, not some moment or phase. So you cannot get rid of a problem, and you cannot ignore it. You ignore negative behavior, but when it is time to learn, take out time and remember that it is easier to deal with tinier problems now than huge problems in the future. Sometimes you need to question yourself as to why you are treating your child in a certain way, and what you want them to become. Once you have that sound plan in mind, your upbringing will be better, and you will focus on your children's needs more than your own. (Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. 1998. Boundaries with kids)

Character is perhaps what parents are aiming at. This is the hardcore proof of what your upbringing has done. It is shown as your child's ability to get a job done, to emotionally deal with an issue, to be responsible, God-fearing, capable of loving etc. And they when they realize that they were born not only to serve themselves, but to be benevolent to mankind like God is to them, you know you have done a good job as your child has learned the virtue of transcending above his own needs.

Also, he learns to live in boundaries. This is the benchmark set for them, and they strive to live up to it. It's not something impossible, but it outlines what they are, and what they particularly are responsible for, which is unique from anybody in the world. And usually what you teach your children stays externally with them, but if you have a proper plan and you follow through with it, there is a greater possibility that they will internalize this and it becomes part of their character for the rest of their life. (Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. 1998. Boundaries with kids)

We can also take a more scientific situation to this whole scenario and rather than relying on theories of individual parents which they feel are better than the others; we can create an outline based on scientific rules. Character is "an individual's set of psychological characteristics that affect that person's ability and inclination to function morally" (Damon W. 2002)

And even though there is no consensus on this definition, most people prefer to encompass the moral aspect in the definition than the immoral aspect. Character is a difficult term to grasp, and how you go about it isn't an easy job, especially if you're confused yourself, it is difficult to teach your children. It starts developing from the time we are born, and early in life, we experience emotions such as guilt, attachment and empathy. And so parents are extremely important as sources of character because they are there since our time of birth and they actually help us through all these developments. So even though school and community shapes up how our life will be in the future, the early development, and character which is a consistent aspect, stays with us for the rest of our life.

Parents can affect this, by the level of control and affection they exercise, how much they cater to their children's need, how empathetic they are in general, how moral and reasonable they are, how much they comply and listen to their children and how conscious and altruistic they are. If e.g. your parents are highly selfless and do good deeds for people without demanding any return, you will probably pick up that trait from them and exhibit it in your later years. All other characteristics aforementioned are positively correlated to a good character of a person.

Children will apply the same knowledge they learn for about 3 to 4 years after they go to school where they will also apply this knowledge and later in life in community as well, because this is where the roots are, and a good base will lead to better traits embedded in them. So it is important to start young and nourish them from the very young age. (Damon, W. 2002. The science of character education. In M. Berkowitz (Ed.), Research-based character education pp. 43-63)

In raising children, responsibly, one also has to see the schools they go to. If it is public schools we are talking about, then an issue that arises in institutions is whether religion should be talk in schools: the past, present and future dynamics of religion. There are controversies on this, and the teaching of religion is very scattered in schools. There is an understandable argument that schools wish to remain neutral to religion in school so it doesn't lead to any politics and misunderstandings. However, religion can further the cause of public education. It provides deep insight into issues of life, and how to practically solve problems and deal with issues. And to know about ethical issues and what classifies as ethical and what doesn't, and also to build your knowledge base about your past and your history to inculcate a sense of belonging in children.

There are internal modes of teaching, and external modes of communication, and a religious teaching is one of those modes. It brings about perceptions and engagement in debates that leads to scintillating ideas. Therefore it is part of the curriculum and studies and should be part of education so that children as they grow are enriched and knowledgeable. (DeGirolami, M.O. 2008. The problem of religious learning. Boston College Law Review, 49, 1213-1275.)

A more focused insight is the Responsive Classroom method used in classrooms. A study on a public elementary school in Connecticut showed that this approach actually did have a positive correlation with the respectful and caring behaviors of children. (Koontz, K.D. 2003. Effect of responsive classroom approach on caring and respectful behaviors of children. Wilmington, NC: University of North Carolina.) Responsive Classroom technique believes in placing equal importance on social along with academic skills so that instead of just being sharper and more intelligent, children are also more socially educated since the number of crimes is on a rise, divorces, killings, shootings have increased considerable and amidst all this violence we are trying to raise a respectful child. At least the classroom can be their haven where they are taught to be good to people and society and can actually exercise it. Children are born with a sense of empathy called global empathy. This is why it is easy to raise them as caring individuals because even as babies they cry when another baby around them is crying. This quality should be encouraged (Clark, 1999)

One aspect of this study was based on the fact that conformity is a strong aspect of society. And Kohlberg's Three-Level Cognitive Development Theory of Moral Development focuses on that. Growing up, children have their own personal preferences, they either like something, or they don't. This is a preconventional stage. The conventional stage is when the child starts listening to the group and uses more 'we' than 'I'. And the final post conventional stage is what actually builds their morality: if the group has agreed to it in the conventional stage, they are more likely to label it as moral, whether it conflicts with their own personal preferences or not.

So if the group as a whole is taught something good, and they educators play a social role, children as a classroom will learn faster and better by conforming and agreeing with each other and then exercising it, first with each other and then in the outside world. (Koontz, K.D. 2003. Effect of responsive classroom approach on caring and respectful behaviors of children. Wilmington, NC: University of North Carolina.)

Spirituality seems to be the answer to it all. And it doesn't necessarily have to be religion that we talk about, but our life's aims, our goals, whether we have the abilities to take advantage of what life has to offer us. For we keep the real important questions within ourselves, and talk about subjects and aspects in a disconnected manner. Because the real questions are either scoffed at, or treated with silence, or perhaps worst is when someone tries to answer our very own rumination! It is believed that these questions are not to be answered, but asked, and lived. For these questions is what you engage in a conversation over, and then ponder over. In this way we are not condemning any religion and showing that to our students that one religion is better than the other, but in fact we are talking about what makes their life so rich and whole. (Palmer, P.J. (1998/1999). Evoking the spirit in public education. Educational Leadership, 1-7)

And how do we include that in our school system? Currently schools teach us subjects without relating them to us. History in fact is our belonging and our past but we are taught history like a passerby and a silent observer, like we got here but without any past and without any relation to the future. Since these incidents of the past are taught to us with such detachment we fail to relate to them, understand them, care about them and love them. We grow up without empathy, thinking everything happens to some passerby and not us. So our teachers should relate the big picture and the big stories to the little stories of our life.

And they should explore the spirituality within themselves and voice it as well, to understand and explain subjects better. (Palmer, P.J. (1998/1999). Evoking the spirit in public education. Educational Leadership, 1-7)

Another important part of this research is that the world is in anarchy. There are too many rules, too little rules, no rules, but no standard. Children need that kind of stability in life when they grow up, and they are not getting it. So they are confused and rebellious and disrespectful because they have no clue what is going on. This is where parents need to step in and create that safe place for them despite the conditions of the world. Upbringing doesn't change, it only modifies according to surroundings. From tots, tykes, tweens and teens, children have different needs that you need to cater to. At birth they are just learning to trust you but from age two onwards they are looking for security as they explore the world. Remember that you are still their base and they need to know that you are watching over them at all times. After age six, they need to learn obedience: they are not born with the gene to obey; they are taught that by knowing that you really love them. You can prove this by listening to them and showing them the logic behind every no you say. Also you need to be true to your words; they hold you to it. As they come towards their teens, they should be given more responsibility, and they should learn to make their own decisions and take charge with responsibility.

Apart from that, don't be your children's biggest fans. Teach them right from wrong and impress upon them the importance of it so that they follow through. And be there to guide them if they falter. You don't always have to punish them; there is a time and place for that. But discipline should always be maintained.

Also crucial to raising respectful children is that they are grateful and not greedy. Teach them the art of appreciating every aspect of life and that they don't need to have everything in the world at their fingertips, they need to strive to achieve it, and if they can't, they should be capable of dealing with losses. Giving should also be a part of their personality and it is the parent's job to model it. (Rigby, J. 2006. Raising respectful children in a disrespectful world. New York, NY: Howard Books)