Relationships between women and faithful men: a survey-based study

Women Are More Faithful Than Men

The libraries and bookstores are overloaded with published books about love and relationships, and television programs deal with those topics on a daily basis. One of the most frequently addressed topics in these books and programs is infidelity.

And while digging into the subject, as this paper does, it is apparent that when it comes to infidelity and cheating, men do it more than women. This paper does not try to delve very deeply into the why, but it provides solid scholarship on the data and the literature on the situations that exist in society, and in marriages, that tempt men to stray from their relationships. The substance of this paper is that women are more faithful than men. Young women considering marriage should engage in a patient and thorough investigation into the tendency of men to cheat, and be totally familiar with her prospective husband's past prior to tying the knot.

Introduction

One of the reasons given for why some men stray from marriage and from committed relationships -- and women don't -- is, according to an article in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, that "physical pleasure" is found to be "lower for [married] women over the age of 40" and yet married men do not "…experience the same drop in physical pleasure with age" (Christopher, et al., 2000, p. 1003). So men's sexual drive continues into middle age, while the sexual drive for women slows down. This might help to explain why men have a "greater likelihood of obtaining new and younger sex partners, relative to their female counterparts," Christopher explains.

Moreover, younger men find ways to stray as well. Males do commit more acts of infidelity no matter whether they are married or not, and whether the infidelity involves sexual intercourse or flirting on the Internet. In fact, Rebecca Brand explains that when a woman finds out her male partner has been cheating through emails with another woman, even though there was no physical act involved, it still can be "…damaging to the relationship and certainly [it] violates many people's expectations for their relationships" (Brand, 102).

The survey prepared for this paper is unique in that 100 individuals were asked to complete a brief questionnaire in a research genre with no formal research setting and no pressure. They were open and willing to cooperate. I hypothesized that these participants would corroborate my viewpoint -- that women are more faithful than men, and this turned out to be the result of the survey. Women are more faithful because they, as a rule, invest more time in the relationship and in the family than men, plus when they have children, they invested many months in bringing that child into the world and technically all the man did is provide the sperm.

Methodology - Results

One hundred individuals -- 48% African-American, 21% Hispanic, 21% Caucasian, 4% Asian and 6% "other" -- took part in this research (see charts in the appendix). The questions were gleaned from other surveys that have been done in professional settings. The participants were given two days to compete their paperwork and they all agreed to honestly, forthrightly answer the questions to the best of their ability (see questionnaire in the appendix). The survey was conducted in the New York City area (36% from the Bronx; 12% from Queens; 34% from Brooklyn; 7% from Staten Island; 8% from Manhattan; and 3% from elsewhere in the area). Just 3% were in their teens; 23% were in their twenties; 31% were in their 30s and 31% were in their 40s; about 15% were in their 50s and 5% were in their sixties. Fifty-five percent stated they were in a "committed relationship" and nearly 60% indicated that "Men view fidelity as the most important part of a relationship" which is interesting because 52% believe that women are "more faithful than men."

The Literature: Women are more faithful and they tell fewer lies

In the Handbook of Public Administration Professor Jack Rabin and colleagues' gender research reflects that women "…tell fewer lies, steal less, fight less, do fewer drugs, are less often drunk, are more faithful in relationships, engage in less deviance in the workplace, and are more law abiding" (Rabin, et al., 1998, p. 770). Other interesting differences between the genders are presented in the handbook, including the fact that men "often" view women in sexual contexts and establish relationships based largely on sexual attractiveness. Women, on the other hand, are drawn to men-based partly on attractiveness but also on their potential for success, their intelligence, and suitability for raising children (Rabin, 770).

Additionally, Rabin points to research that may explain the dynamics of male-female adult relationships. The author reports that boys are taught to play games, and win, by the rules and hence "adherence rather than…interpretation" influences the male gender (770). As for females they are taught to "pay attention to feelings and relationships," and they are taught, "the process is just as important as the end"; men, on the other hand, are "goal-oriented" and more focused on "output" than women are (Rabin, 770).

Women are more "sexually contented" than men

In the Continuum Complete International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, the authors assert that women "are, in general, more sexually contented than men" and that reflects the "still prevailing Catholic image of the woman" (Francoeur, et al., 2004, p. 48). That generalized view of women posits that she is "…to remain passive and take the place to which she is directed" (Francoeur, 47).

As regards faithfulness, in Austria individuals are having more sex than a few years ago, which leads to further interesting data: while the average adult female reports having sex 2.1 times a week, men report having sex "2.6 times a week… [which] indicates that women are 'more faithful' than men" (Francoeur, 47). For every "unfaithful woman," the authors report based on their surveys, "…there are two unfaithful men"; that breaks down to 12% of adult women responded to questionnaires that they had been unfaithful while 20.7% of men admitted to unfaithfulness (Francoeur, 47). That having been pointed out, the survey indicates that "…nine out of ten Austrians responded that faithfulness in a relationship is especially important" (Francoeur, 47).

As to the group aged 30 to 49 years, 24% of males responded that they were "not satisfied" with the amount of sex they were having while 8% of females said they were not satisfied with the frequency of sexual activity (Francoeur, 47). Another statistic that shows men are most active in seeking out sexual experiences is that young men showed the most interest in having "group sex"; indeed, 7% of young men between the age of 16 to 29 related that they seek group sex while only 1% of young women the same age wanted group sex (Francoeur, 48).

Another interesting statistic reveals that 40% of males indicated a willingness to engage in heterosexual anal intercourse and "less than 20% of women" were so inclined. As to oral sex among heterosexual partners, 70% of the men in the research in Austria practice oral sex while only 52% of women said they practice oral sex (Francoeur, 48). In the realm of aging, 45% of males between the age of 50 and 60 indicated they had "sexual intercourse at least once a week" and only 21% of women in the same age bracket said they had sex that often (Francoeur, 48).

Sexual satisfaction and interest tends to fade for married women

According to an article in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, the evidence shows that "physical pleasure" is found to be "lower for [married] women over the age of 40" and yet married men do not "…experience the same drop in physical pleasure with age" (Christopher, et al., 2000, p. 1003). This might help to explain why men have a "greater likelihood of obtaining new and younger sex partners, relative to their female counterparts," Christopher explains.

In a survey conducted by Edwards and Booth (1994) and reported by Christopher, wives that have reached their "late middle years (48-60)" were far more likely than younger wives to indicate that "loss of interest in sex was a problem in their relationship" (1003). Moreover, Christopher reports that both men and women agree in empirical studies that "…it was the wife who was more likely to lose interest…" over 9 years of marriage (Christopher, 1004).

While an overwhelming number of Americans (70 to 80%) "…express complete disapproval of a married person having sex with someone other than his or her spouse," and 77% in one survey quoted by Christopher say extramarital sex is "always wrong," sex outside of marriage is a reality. And among the variables associated with "permissive attitudes toward extramarital sex" are those who were sexually permissive before marriage, low interest in religion, and "being male" (Christopher, 1006).

That phrase, "being male," tells the story in the shortest possible number of words when it comes to the statistics vis-a-vis which of the two genders is most apt to stray and have sex outside of marriage or outside of a committed, long-tem relationship. Christopher references the data from the National Health and Social Life Survey that shows about 25 of married men and 15% of married women report having "engaged in extramarital sex at least once" (1006).

A "higher lifetime incidence of extramarital sex is found among men, Blacks, remarried individuals, those in the lowest and highest education categories…and those low in religiosity," Christopher explains, based on research from existing literature. When a woman is found to have had sexual relations outside marriage, the man is "…more upset by the sexual aspect" of his partner's infidelity, but when a woman learns her man has engaged in sex outside the relationship she is more "upset by the emotional aspect" (Christopher, 1006).

One particularly poignant line from the National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS) under the heading "practices and preferences" says a great deal about men and faithfulness: "Sex with strangers was more appealing to men than women" (National Health and Social Life Survey, 1992).

Infidelity (real or suspected) is the "leading cause of divorce"

Writing in the peer-reviewed journal Sex Roles, Rebecca Brand and colleagues describe the results of two studies regarding infidelity, one among 543 undergraduates in the Northwest and another among 313 undergraduates and 233 "community members" in the Mid-Atlantic United States. To preface the results of their surveys, Brand and associates report that infidelity is not only the leading cause of divorce, it is the leading cause of wife-battering and wife-killing (Brand, 2007, p. 101). There is not currently ample literature and research to explain the specific reasons "for sex differences in the occurrence of infidelity, as well as the motivations for and the consequences of cheating," Brand explains (101). But in this research participants who admit to cheating were asked questions through an anonymous questionnaire.

A "robust finding" was that "…men appear to engage in infidelity more often than women across cultures," but there is a caveat to that statement. Men get involved more than women do when it comes to infidelity when it is defined as not just sexual intercourse, Brand continues (101). In fact, when infidelity refers to "a variety of behaviors" like kissing, flirting, and other non-intercourse-related behaviors, men are found to be guilty of cheating far more often them women (Brand, 101).

The authors point out -- in relating the big picture of why men cheat more frequently than women do -- that historically, women invest a lot more in a relationship, especially a marriage when a family is involved. Women invest nine months or more of pregnancy "and lactation" while technically all males have to invest is the sex act itself (Brand, 102). Hence, the "lesser-investing sex" (males) are "more likely than the greater-investing sex" (females) to engage in "short-term mating with multiple partners" (Brand, 102). And so the greater-investing gender (women) for which every "healthy offspring requires a bare minimum of 9 months gestation, a quality over quantity strategy" is far more likely to emerge.

Given that women value quality over quantity, and they consider a child, a husband and a family quality, and women intend to provide "potential offspring both with healthy genes and with many years of protection and resources," it is unlikely that women in this situation "…use infidelity as a means of securing many short-term partners" (Brand, 102). This is not to suggest that women don't engage in infidelity, because in fact statistics indicate that they do; but when they so cheat they achieve benefits quite different than those that men receive, Brand continues.

One clear reason why married women would cheat relates to her desire to find a "replacement partner without first giving up the security and protection derived from the current mate" (Brand, 102). And the most likely scenario at play when a woman has an affair outside of marriage, the authors report, is due to the fact that her "…current partner was having an affair," and hence the subject comes full circle back to the male's infidelity (Brand, 102).

Males do commit more acts of infidelity no matter whether they are married or not, and whether the infidelity involves sexual intercourse or flirting on the Internet. In fact, Brand explains that when a woman finds out her male partner has been cheating through emails with another woman, it still can be "…damaging to the relationship and certainly [it] violates many people's expectations for their relationships" (102). As proof of this assertion, Brand references a survey of college students (by Drigotas, et al., 1999); the students were asked if "emotional and physical intimacy behaviors, including flirting, sharing feelings, and kissing, constituted infidelity" (102). Seventy-six percent of those college students surveyed said those activities did indeed constitute infidelity, or cheating.

In 1997, a survey by Wiederman found that 23% of men and 12% of women had an "extramarital sexual affair"; but looking more closely at their data, examining the data separately for participants under the age of 40, the sex differences in infidelity "disappear" (Brand, 102).

Sex with another woman -- someone you don't know -- looks thrilling

Journalist and novelist William Nicholson writes in England's Daily Mail that in his 20s and 30s he had "many relationships" but made no commitment during those experiences. He was among those that he describes as wanting sex "without strings." He knows that "any man, given the chance of sex with a woman he finds attractive, would take it if he truly believed there would be no consequences"; that is because men "desire and enjoy sex in and for itself, without any other emotional connection" (Nicholson, 2010, p. 40).

But Nicholson insists that because he married late, he has learned from experience that "…sex with someone you don't know, which looks so thrilling from the outside, is simply not as good as sex with someone you know well" (41). Because he married when was older he insists that he had learned "quite a lot about myself; about my desires, my fears, my self doubts" (41). He explained those feelings to his wife, as if to say, "Be warned. Are you still sure you want to make a life with me now?'" She listened to him and wasn't at all shocked, then she told him about her life and through this very candid dialogue it "dawned on" him that a person who really loves you "actually wants to please you, and needs only to be told how" (41).

Men really want to have their fantasies fulfilled, Nicholson asserts, but they don't have to seek fantasy fulfillment in bars or nightclubs. In Nicholson's latest novel he writes is from the point-of-view of a man getting into his middle years and decides to have an affair, which Nicholson says he has "never done" (42). But "he's me as I would have been had I married younger, and had not begun my marriage with so much honesty," Nicholson continues, discussing his protagonist in the next novel. The man loves his home, his wife, his kids, but he has not been able to live out his "sexual dreams in his real life."

So the character has his little fling with no long-term consequences, and still loves his wife and now, as the plot moves along, she finds out and rather than cast him out, they have their much-delayed heart-to-heart about what he needs more of in the bedroom. "We're all so needy and insecure," Nicholson continues, and we are "so full of guilt and shame" when we cheat on our loved ones. The bottom line here is that honesty in relationships -- especially on the part of the male who has this fantasy of being in bed with a much younger, sexier woman than his wife -- can lead to a marriage and a relationship that is void of cheating.

Why do women decide not to engage in physical relationships outside of marriage?

Author Joanne Briscoe writes in the Guardian that "We are all emotionally unfaithful" at one time or another. That is because even the "most devoted mind will occasionally, momentarily, wander, even if the body has little intention of following" (Briscoe, 2005, p. 36). Briscoe references a true story about Lizzie, a caterer in his 30s with two children who is "very happily married" who says she "definitely wouldn't want to have an affair." But, she adds, "life can be a bit humdrum," and she admits to being attracted to one of the fathers at her daughter's school. She admits that his attention to her "excited me" so she thought about a friendship that "doesn't have to be physical" and she began texting with him, and meeting in public places, "occasionally for a drink" (Briscoe, 36).

What Lizzie wanted was to do something "not harmful" but was good for her, so she allowed the extracurricular friendship to continue, until the texting became annoyingly frequent (even at home) so she pulled back. "I personally feel that the ultimate connection is sex, and I worry that if I did, it would be disappointing and there would be nothing left, and I wouldn't do that to my husband" (Briscoe, 37). Therein lies the difference between a woman's temptation and a man's temptation; at the risk of generalizing, or stereotyping, all the relevant empirical and circumstantial research about infidelity leads to the conclusion that a man in the same situation as Lizzie would take that next step.

Lizzie admits that there is "definitely something edgy and covert and beyond the realms of what's acceptable" about liaisons that are friendships but can lead to adultery. The friendships that can be made easily on the Internet are, according to a study by Dr. Monica Whitty of Queen's University in Belfast, as impactful on an existing relationship as "sexual infidelity" (Briscoe, 37). There were 234 participants in Whitty's research project, and those participants evaluated hypothetical online situations for the study. "Women were found to be more likely than men to view emotional infidelity as cheating, and also more likely to see online infidelity as harmful to a real-life relationship" (Briscoe, 37).