Identity and Belonging the Amish

Identity and Belonging

The Amish life is the only life I know. I was born and raised Amish and will probably remain so for the rest of my life. I recently lost my husband and although I have my son Samuel, I still find myself feeling lonely. Perhaps this is why I am so drawn to John Book. He has me thinking and feeling things I've never felt before. It scares me because I know how I feel about John goes against my Amish upbringing. It hasn't stopped me from thinking about him, though. The circumstances in which I met Mr. Book were less than ideal. My son, Samuel witnessed a murder and John Book was the cop that was assigned the case. A series of events took place forcing John to live in my community as an Amish. The short time he was here has changed my life in ways that I could never have imagined.

I know that being lonely could be part of the reason why I am so attracted to John. I also know that Daniel is sweet on me because he stops by to court me from time to time. Daniel is a young man in our community that has shown an interest in me since my husband passed away. I am certain that he would like to be husband number two, but I do not feel for Daniel as I feel for John. Being in that train station waiting to go and visit my sister opened my eyes to a world that is totally unlike the world I am used to. John is a part of this world which seems tough, cold and uncaring, yet he seems to care very much for the well being of me and my son. However, I do not wish to live in John's world for the very fact that it seems cold and uncaring.

I am intrigued by John and I was glad when the elders allowed him to stay until he sorted things out. John is so different from any of the men here in my community and I am sure he has noticed that the Amish lifestyle is much different from city life. He is used to high rise buildings and streets with taverns on just about every other corner. He drives a car and if he didn't, he'd more than likely make use of public transportation. The Amish life is quite different. Here, there are acres and acres of crops and we do not use modern farming equipment. We still use horses and oxen to plow our land. We don't believe in cars and travel by foot or by horse and buggy. I wondered if John was at first put off by the way everyone dressed and spoke in our community. The men wear black suits and hats and the older men have long beards. The women dress more like women did in the eighteenth century. We are fully covered and wear bonnets. The Amish dress in a simple manner (http://pittsburgh.about.com/cs/pennsylvania/a/amish_2.htm) . We also speak Pennsylvania Dutch amongst ourselves, a language I am certain John does not understand. He got his first taste of our language when Samuel said that the killer was not a 'stupig', which is to say the killer wasn't a runt and that he was a big man.

I soon learned that John had no problem acclimating himself to the Amish way of life. He willingly wore my deceased husband's clothes I offered so he wouldn't stand out and draw attention. When I witnessed how well he worked alongside the other men at the barn raising, my feelings for him grew even stronger. Even Daniel (who wanted John to leave because he could sense the attraction between us) seemed to gain respect for John. He fit in so well with everyone that I started to believe that he would be a part of our community and that we could be together. Eli and others in the community could see how I was falling for John and they began to gossip. One part of me knows that I must listen to what is being said and I must heed the warnings I am receiving. I do not want to be considered an outcast. As I said, this is the only life I know and I wouldn't know how to live anywhere else but here.

But, there is also a part of me that says that I should follow my heart and my feelings. This is not easy to do because of what the Amish believe. I know that John is developing feelings for me and this relationship is not imagined or one sided. I probably shouldn't have allowed John to take the liberty of dancing with me in the garage, but I couldn't resist. When Eli caught me dancing in the barn with John, I thought he would have a heart attack. I still laugh about that every time I think of it. I know I shouldn't have allowed this even though I tried to stand my ground and tell Eli I did nothing wrong. There is a closeness that I feel when I am around this man and I feel like I need to do anything within reason to make him want to stay here and build a life with me.

This confuses me though because everything I want to do is simple yet it goes against everything I have ever been taught. Well, maybe not simple because if Eli and the other members found out that I let John see me half naked, I most certainly would be thrown out of the community. He had just finished helping raise the barn and he seemed very happy. I felt like he belonged here. I wanted him to want to belong here and even though the Amish aren't considered worldly, I have some idea of what men want and what they like. Good old John. Such the gentleman! I could tell he was interested and had he acted upon his thoughts I know now that I am the one that would have been hurt the most. When John walked away from me after I had bared my breast to him, it made me wake up and realize that he would not be a part of my world. The way he conducted himself in this uncomfortable situation that I placed him in let me know that although he was attracted to me, his feelings were not as deep as I thought mine were at the time. Maybe because he is knows more of the world, he was able to act maturely in this situation. John Book wanted to go back to the life he was used to and I could never be a part of that life.

I guess you could say that all of these events have made me a more mature individual. I realize that this is where I belong, and John belongs in the world he is going back to. I have no regrets, though. And I also have no right to try to force John to live in my world. After a while, he would be uncomfortable and feel out of place much the same as I would feel if I tried to live in his world. For a while I was confused because based on the way I was raised and the life I have led, I knew that allowing John to get so close and familiar with me was wrong. I was torn between the beliefs and values I was taught and my own feelings. I know I cannot make decisions based on my feelings. I was only thinking of myself and I feel I was quite foolish at times. I'm not saying that it is not okay to follow your heart, but if there are other things to consider, then it's best to be cautious.