Effective interpersonal communication in marriage: advice for newlyweds

Letter of Advice

Dear Jeff and Stephanie

Many congratulations from my side on your engagement and for choosing each other as life partner. Choosing a life partner is not simple because it is a relationship, which continues forever. You are not buying a house or a car, that you can change if it did not fulfill your needs or satisfy you; you are starting a relationship, indeed a very complex and complicated relationship. Therefore, it is very important for couples to learn how to manage this relationship and fill it with love and affection.

Unfortunately, there is very limited literature available for couples if they want to know about the first year of marriage or preparation of marriage (Holman & Li, 1997; Larson & Holman, 1994). I am glad that you both already have idea of this and therefore you have given me a chance to give you advice on how to start your new life. One of the most important factors needed for making your relationship successful is effective interpersonal communication and it is my honor to explain and guide you about the importance of effective interpersonal communication in a successful and happy wedded life.

Thesis Statement: Effective Interpersonal Communication is an important tool for building a strong and never-ending married life relationship.

In order to explain and prove the above thesis statement, I will discuss following five concepts here, which according to me are most important to successful communication within interpersonal relationships. These are:

1. Principles and misconceptions in effective interpersonal communications

2. Words have the power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and perception

3. Perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression affect interpersonal relationships.

4. Emotional intelligence and its role in effective interpersonal relationships

5. Appropriate Level of Self-disclosure in relationships

Let us start with the first and most important concept of interpersonal relationships. Due to its critical significance, I will be explaining this concept in more detail than the other four concepts.

1. Principles and misconceptions in effective interpersonal communications

The first concept I want to discuss is the principles and misconceptions in an effective interpersonal communication. Both of you should know that there are many principles and misconceptions in conducting an effective communication. It happens hundreds of times in our daily lives that we do not communicate our message effectively; may be because we lack the ability to express the message or problem. It is a bitterly fact that instead of looking at our own fault, we blame the opposite side or in case of couples, the other partner. We assume that our partner does not understand us or in other words does not care about us. This situation results in confusion and interpersonal conflicts, enforcing couples to think that they have chosen a wrong life partner. Couples do not understand a simple logic that the opposing person will listen and understand what we communicate verbally and non-verbally.

The purpose of explaining you this situation is to make you understand that it is very critical for a couple to engage with each other in a meaning full way. If you will not be able to engage h in a meaning full way and will not understand each other, then you will suffer from loneliness and depression (Williams and Zadiro, 2001). You will regret your decision of choosing each other and as a result, distances increase which will take both of you far from each other. Following are some of the tips that both of you must memorize before starting a relationship:

There is a big difference between saying and communicating. Saying something is not communicating; so please do not assume that if one of you is saying something, the other understands it that way. Therefore, start analyzing each other's expression and way of talking from today, so that when you start living together, you know a lot about each other's way of expression.

Not communicating is a problem but communicating too much is also a mistake, which couples usually make. I do not want both of you to this and ruin your life only because of unnecessary long discussions. If both of you have habit of doing long debates on unnecessary issues, than change your attitude. Now you are not friends; you have started a sensitive relationship in which you will feel everything more than before and will get hurt easily. Therefore, do not over communicate; if you feel any discussion is going in wrong direction, just give it a pause and stay calm. Do not waste your hours convincing each other on issues that are not directly related to your life.

Communication cannot solve all your problems and sometimes even the clear communication is cause of the problem and conflicts. For instance, husband sweetly and clearly explains his wife that he will not able to give her anniversary gift this year as he just gave all his savings to his mother for her medical treatment. This communication is clear but wife gets hyperactive as she was expecting a good present from him. This shows that sometimes even the clear communication is the root of the problem. Although it is difficult to calculate what to disclose to your partner and what not to disclose, even than try to avoid things that you think can make your partner upset.

If your single and simple sentence makes your partner agitated and bursts at you, please do not assume that it was not only because of what you said. There might be many things behind it and it has not occurred in vacuum. Let me give you an example; Stephanie suppose one day Jeff comes home late from office. The moment he enters and you ask him the reason; he shouts at you. You will be surprised that you only sweetly asked him and did not say anything else than why did he shout? You will have to understand that it's not only because you asked something wrong, it's just he had a bad day today in office and his boss made him sit late and complete the work. Remember, nothing happens in isolation, there are always some other factors behind the attitude and response of your partner.

2. Words have the power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and perception

Now, the second important concept I want you to remember is that, words are very powerful. You can make your opinion good or bad in the eyes of each other by playing with words. The words spoken by one of you will show your attitude, behavior and perception regarding any issue. Therefore, it is very necessary to use the appropriate language while communicating because wrong words can ruin the fragile relationship of husband and wife. Even a single word can result into extremely hurting feelings; therefore understand each other's use of words and its meaning.

Sometimes, you may do not mean what you say but the opposite person will understand your views with the help of words you used. Therefore, be careful in use of words and remember that communication is irreversible. Do not hurt each other by losing your temper because words once said cannot come back. No matter what justification you give later to prove that you got upset but your partner has already saved your spoken words in his memory, which you cannot delete. Here are some of the tips that you can remember in order to do good and effective communication with each other:

Avoid use of words that have double meanings

Try to use words that are familiar to both of you

Always try to avoid unnecessary words and discussions of sensitive issues; like discussing each other's family.

3. Perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression affect interpersonal relationships

Jeff and Stephanie, you also have to understand the fact that every person has his own behaviors, perceptions and thoughts, which he gains from his cultural and personal experiences (Pfeiffer, 1998). These thoughts, behaviors and attitudes have deep impact on how the person communicates; therefore please do not assume things, rather discuss your confusions whenever needed.

In addition, also remember that not only verbal but your non-verbal communication also plays a critical role in your relationship. Therefore, always take care of your body language and face expressions because they add meaning to what you say. For instance, let us consider a situation; Stephanie you did lot of work today, you are badly tired and no smile on your face. When Jeff returns home and does not find you normal, he might assume that you are angry with him because he did not call you today. Although it is not the case, the problem is that you are too tired so you do not feel like smiling. This example shows that your nonverbal behavior will greatly influence the quality of your interpersonal relationship. Therefore, try to understand each other's abilities to express encode and decode the non-verbal clues & emotions, which all are very crucial for the relationship satisfaction.

5. Appropriate Level of Self-disclosure in relationships

Now the last but not the least advice that I want to give you is about self-disclosure. Self-disclosure was defined by Cozby (1973) as any information about the person that he verbally communicates to another person. Cozby (1973) not only used this term to refer to a personality construct but also considered it as a process of interaction between the two persons. Therefore, we can say that self-disclosure is a tendency at a personal level as well as an act in which people intentionally and attentively engage.

Remember, if you want to make your relationship successful than you have to trust each other and share your feelings, dreams, wishes, happiness and problems with each other. It is found in studies that women disclose more compared to husbands who usually do not express themselves. This is maybe because of our culture in which woman is encouraged to show her feelings and men are required to hide their feelings and weaknesses (Pleck and Sawyer, 1974). As Kate (1975) also writes in her magazine, the shame is over, "Women express, men repress."

However, the conclusions made by experts in this regard might very correct because their studies were limited to very few couples of 1950 and 1960s. Therefore, both of you should not think about these traditional thoughts and must look forward at how you can manage your relationship by practicing self-disclosure. You must not ignore the fact that self-disclosure is very important for an effective communication. Please do not think that sharing your feelings and problems is your weakness; no its not. It will actually bring you closer to each other and you will be able to live a happy and supporting life.

Conclusion

Looking at all of the above important concepts, their details and examples, we can reach to conclusion that Effective Interpersonal Communication is an important tool for building a strong and never-ending married life relationship.

Relationship of husband and wife badly suffer if they do not communicate properly, keep quiet, hide feelings & do not trust each other. In fact, they suffer from misunderstandings, confusions and terrible conflicts, which take them to the extent of thinking about divorce. I suggest both of you to follow my advice and try to live a happy life by doing effective interpersonal communication.

Please tell me if you need any further explanation on this issue or you can always come to me if you face any problems. It will be my pleasure to help and guide you in future as well. Enjoy a happy life!