Love and attachments in human relationships

Love & Attachments

Love and Attachments

Many young people just want to be independent. They just want to get a job so they can move out of their parents' houses and live on their own. They begin dreaming of independence as soon as they step into their teens. The same is true with me. Since I was young I have dreamed of living on my own away from my family.

I think that when people think of independence, one of the things that first come to their mind is having an own place. It seems to me that acquiring a place one can call their own has become a major indication of independence. When I was young I remember dreaming of having my own place, it did not matter to me whether I'm owning it or renting it, just as long as I have a place that I can call my own, a place where I can do anything that I like without having to follow anyone's rules but my own. When I was young, I thought that being independent was easy so long as I have a job. But now that I am older, I realize that gaining independence and being independent is not a walk in the park.

I have recently gained my independence. I now have a place of my own and though I do not own it, I sometimes feel that at least I have a place in this world where I can retreat anytime. Gaining independence was a liberating feeling. I remember the very first day I moved into the apartment I am renting and the days I spent shopping for furniture. It made me feel in control of my life. For the first time in my life, I felt I am deciding about my life -- who I want to be and where I want to get to. Simple acts like deciding what color of sheets to buy for my mattress made me feel like an adult. It made me feel like I am truly independent and on my own. Finally there is no one to tell me what time I should go home or what I should eat for breakfast or supper. I get to decide what time I go to bed, what I do with my free time, and what to do with my life. I no longer need to tell anyone where I am going or what time I will be going home. There is no one to nag me. I no longer have to explain why I got home so late or why I spend so much time talking on the phone. There is no one to criticize me with the way I dress or with how I decide to live my life. I make the rules now. And more importantly, I follow my own rules now.

The independent life seemed so perfect at first. I truly felt liberated. Feeling in control of my own life was a very wonderful feeling. It made me feel so free and so powerful. There's an exhilarating feeling about being free and powerful. For quite some time I felt really happy being able to do anything I desired. I stayed out as much as I liked. I went out as much as I liked and as long as I desired. I would come home very late and enjoyed the fact that no one would bother to ask where I've been or why I came home so late.

However as days went by, I realized that being independent is not everything I imagined it to be. I realized this when I started feeling lonely. Yes, it's true that being independent makes one feel free without strings tying you down to anyone or anything. But there were many times and there are still times when I would look around me and realize that in being independent and in living on my own, I have withdrawn from the people who matter to me. I suppose it was because I was so excited about living on my own that I detached myself rather abruptly from my family. Because I was so excited about living on my own and doing things on my own, of having my own place and enjoying my alone time, I neglected spending time with the people who matter to me. And because of this, I feel alone. In living on my own I have become alone. And in being alone, I have come to feel lonely.

I have come to realize that the need to belong has become a prominent need for me nowadays. I sometimes feel bad that I do not own the apartment I am staying at. Somehow I feel that I still cannot call it on my own. It belongs to someone else. I do not have anything that belongs to me yet. I do not really have my own place yet. And this adds up to the feeling of loneliness that I already feel.

Whenever I come home to an empty and dark apartment, I realize how alone I am and how lonely it sometime is. I do not like coming home to a dark apartment. It makes me feel lonely and sad. For me, whenever I come home and it's dark and quiet, I realize that it's really just me on my own. There is a downside to living on your own. You are forced to be braver, to be tough in depending on no one but your own. I often feel that the dark place is an empty place. When I am alone in my apartment and realize how quiet it is, I begin to miss having people around me. I miss my family and I often find myself wishing that they were there with me. Whenever it is quiet, I would miss the noise that living with people usually brings. I would miss the laughter of my family members. I miss just having someone to hang out with and talk with at home. My family is an important part of life, I realize that now. Without meaning to, I have come to realize how important my family is to me. I now recognize how much I love each and every one of them. They are an important part of who I am.

I believe that it's only when I started living on my own that I realized just how important they are to me. I used to take them for granted and in fact, I used to prefer spending time with my friends. But now I realized that I also want to spend time with them. I suppose it's really when you no longer see a person that you begin to realize how much that person means to you. But at the same time, when I meet my family and spend time with them, I am torn between spending all the time with them and having my time for myself. When I am with my family, there are also times when I would wish that I were back in my apartment alone. I would feel this when my family would get intrusive. And yet I miss them when I get back to my apartment. It is a strange feeling.

Due to the feeling of loneliness, I am now spending more time with my friends. I realize that I miss them more frequently now than before. Whenever I am alone in my apartment, I would feel the need to go out and escape the emptiness I am feeling. I crave to meet my friends and spend time with them as often as I can. Because I am spending more time with them now, my attachment to my friends is becoming deeper. I realize that in the absence of my own family, my friends have become my emotional family. I turn to them when I feel bad. I also turn to them when I feel like sharing how happy I am. I recognize their growing importance in my life and I am starting to love them even more. I am beginning to care for them more and more. They are not just friends I meet for fun. They are friends who know who I am. They are friends who understand me. They are friends who care for me and love me like my own family loves me.