Triangulation in the Genogram

¶ … genogram I created of my current family situation along the lines of Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). It will explain my perceived role within the family dynamic as well as current 'triangles' and tensions in my family. It will address areas that need improvement in terms of family relationships as well as rate my own sense of self-differentiation from other family members. Finally, it will conclude with a review of how useful this self-understanding will be in my social work. Ultimately, "BFST emphasizes the importance of personal identity and relationships" (Murdok 211).

As the only girl in the family and the youngest member, the 'role' in the family I was forced to play was often that of the 'fragile' one that everyone had to protect. My parents were fairly lenient with me in terms of indulging me and my brothers were often told to look after me. I internalized a self-concept of myself as very dainty and in need of protection. Unlike my brothers I was not inclined to engage in pranks, party, and stay up late. My parents had very strict boundaries and ideas about what was 'appropriate' for a girl to do in terms of experimenting with my independence.

Within BFST, the concept of relationship 'triangulation' is generally seen as a negative one. Although triangulation can be a tempting method to deal with conflict, ultimately it is ineffective and merely exacerbates existing divides: "spreading the tension can stabilize a system, but nothing gets resolved. People's actions in a triangle reflect their efforts to ensure their emotional attachments to important others, their reactions to too much intensity in the attachments, and their taking sides in the conflicts of others" (Triangulation, 2014, Bowen Theory). One major triangle which has been of great influence on my life is that of my mother, my brother Vince, and me. My mother, like myself, is very prone to anxiety in the family context and has difficulty dealing with stressful situations. My brother Vince often acts as a buffer between the two of us when we clash. He is very calm and logical in nature. He also acts a buffer in another triangular relationship in the family -- between myself and my other brother John. John and I do not get along and Vince often acts as a link between the two of us, maintaining the family relationship structure in a cohesive manner as best he can. In the future, however, I would like to improve upon this relationship so that Vince does not always have to act as an intermediary between the two of us. I would also like to be able to engage in better communication with my mother on a one-to-one basis without using Vince as a buffer. I would not say that tensions are high but they are strong enough that they clearly need to be addressed.

According to BFST, "people with a poorly differentiated 'self' depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that either they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform" (Differentiation, 2014, Bowen Theory). I would rate my self-differentiation as in need of some work. Away from my family, I am very calm and much more laid-back. I can be analytical about my personal problems. But in my family context, I am much more emotional. I find it very difficult to deal with family problems when they escalate. For example, during one trying time I was afraid that funding was going to be cut off for my schooling by my family although I was able to find other resources in the community on an independent basis and continue my education. Still, I was very hurt and felt abandoned by my family during this period. I would thus give myself a rating of '5' for self-differentiation.

Even though my relationship with my family is not perfect, I believe I have learned a great deal over the years in dealing them that will help me as a counselor. I am acutely aware of the fact that someone can be a competent professional and yet revert to childish behavior when in the presence of a parent. I also realize that a person can act very differently in the presence of another -- except in the case of my brother, it is not my nature to use someone else as an intermediary when I am in conflict with someone. I think that is why it is so useful to engage in group counseling, to understand the interpersonal dynamics between a multigenerational family and to understand the degree to which members are 'differentiated' in the presence of one another. "Bowen theory begins with the notion that people are pulled in two conflicting, biologically rooted forces: togetherness and identity" (Murdock 212). I often find my desire to be independent and autonomous in conflict with my obligations as a daughter. On one hand, I want to be a 'people pleaser' and to have an emotionally satisfying relationship with my family. Another part of me wants to not worry so much about the emotional effects of my behavior on my mother.

It has been said that the big "headache' for a counselor in using BFST is learning to think in systems and about people in groups (Murdok 211). Because of my experiences, I believe I have already internalized this sense of individuals existing as part of an extended network of relationships. Differentiation is also a very controversial issue for counselors as a concept, as some have criticized BFST for being insufficiently aware of cultural differences in which families do not place as high of a premium upon adult children become independent and separate from their families. BFST considers a strong sense of differentiation to be the highest marker of mental health. "A person with a well-differentiated 'self' recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality" (Differentiation, 2014, Bowen Theory).