Non-Verbal Listening Behavior Two Interpersonal

Non-Verbal Listening Behavior

Two interpersonal interactions: Friend vs. supervisor

Analyzing my personal and professional nonverbal interactions can enhance my ability to effectively transmit my message in a variety of contexts. When I recently met with my friend, A, I wanted to show my sense of sympathy with her, and to demonstrate the depth of my empathy for her romantic plight. In the case of my work colleague, Supervisor B, I wished to maintain a cordial relationship with him, yet still voice my concerns about the behavior of certain individuals within my department. There is always a certain amount of tension in any interaction between superiors and subordinates: a bad performance review from Supervisor B. could mean a loss of my job or other negative consequences, so I always must be careful in terms of how I present myself. The problem is that with people with whom I am friends I take it for granted that my nonverbal communication says what I want it to say, while with work superiors, I am often inhibited and uncomfortable, and do not adequately advance my interests and position.

Context

I spoke to my friend A recently, after she broke up with her boyfriend of more than a year. The two of us went to an evening movie, then out for coffee afterwards. When we were having coffee, A did not make much eye contact with me and tended to play with her coffee creamers and sugar packets. She talked about her boyfriend, and how sorry she was the relationship had ended. I alternated between looking at A, often at the top of her head, and looking away, either at another table or at the ground. When someone does not make eye contact with you, there is always a great deal of uncertainty as where to focus your own eye gaze, especially if the topic is emotional in nature. At the beginning and at the end of our meeting I gave her a hug, to show her how I much I cared about her as a friend. However, other than the hug, I did not sit too close to her, because she seemed somewhat reserved and not desirous of seeking out greater physical intimacy.

In the case of Supervisor B, I had to address some complaints about the behavior of some of the workers at the office. Some people were coming in late and not pulling their weight on various work projects. This was an uncomfortable subject. I did not want to seem as if I was being a 'tattletale' about my colleague's behavior. At times, I found myself avoiding eye contact with B, shifting my weight, and wanting to have something to do with my hands. Because this meeting took place in Supervisor B's closed office in the early morning before many people had arrived in the office, there were few distractions other than our one-on-one interaction. This heightened the intensity of our communication, and I wanted to have something to do to break the tension, like drink from a cup of coffee or a glass of water. Supervisor B. is fairly impassive and maintained eye contact with me throughout, sitting in his chair. He moved very little, and I have noticed that is one of Supervisor B's strength as a communicator. His lack of movement conveys a certain amount of gravitas, and forces the subordinate to move towards him, to speak to him in a normal tone of voice. While both of my personal and professional interactions lasted about a half an hour to forty-five minutes, the meeting with my supervisor felt much longer.

Friend vs. supervisor

Different levels of discomfort were manifest in both dialogues. In my dialogue with my friend, I was uncomfortable because I did not know what to say to give her comfort regarding her loss. In retrospect, I wish I could have been warmer with my friend, and more responsive, given that she is my friend, and not a work colleague. Because of my discomfort, and her discomfort, I tended to be fairly physically reserved. I found myself often unconsciously mirroring her lack of eye contact and shifting body position. Instead of using my body to communicate peace, calm, and a sense of self-confidence and self-worth, I did the opposite and mirrored her inhibition and slouching posture.

In the case of my supervisor, I felt uncomfortable because of the subject I was forced to address with him, and his general demeanor. With a work colleague, I generally try to be less animated, and more focused on the content of my speech. I try to be still when a supervisor is speaking, to show my absolute attention, even though my nervousness can sometimes betray me. Regarding my supervisor, I wish I could have been more cool, calm, and collected, and more focused and meaningful in my use of gestures, rather than scattered and nervous in terms of my eye contact and use of hand motions. Had I been more forceful, I think the difficult message I was attempting to communicate might have been more clearly conveyed.

What I discovered about myself

My first discovery was the discovery of the importance of 'mirroring' -- I often find myself mirroring others in their nonverbal posturing, especially intimates like my friend. If someone is uncomfortable, sometimes I find myself shifting around in my seat. In the case of my friend, I mirrored her lack of eye contact, which did not convey the sympathy I felt for her situation. In the case of my supervisor, his relatively undemonstrative manner made me less forceful than I should have been in punctuating my sentences with gestures that reinforced my message. Physical mirroring can be sympathetic, but it can also result in not conveying my unique and important message to the listener. Physical mirroring can make me seem too passive. I need to be conscious of the degree to which I am mirroring others, so I can more carefully control this behavior, if mirroring my listener's body language will impede my message.

My second discovery about my communication style was how formal gestures can be powerful. I embraced my friend after we finished speaking. Although I did not say all that I wanted to say in terms of my spoken and unspoken communication during our dialogue, at least my embrace was something that she could remember. Also, because the two of us are so close, she knows me well enough to understand that I care about her, even if I am not always able to express this fact directly. In the case of my supervisor, however, I cannot make such an assumption. I can only hope that a more general nonverbal language, like the way I was dressed for the meeting and my serious demeanor left a lasting impression and reinforced my message. Remembering to have at least one gesture or nonverbal technique to reinforce my overall message, when I cannot control every nervous 'tic' is important.