Parenting styles and their developmental impacts

Parenting style can be a potentially contentious and sensitive issue, and arguments relating to parenting can tear apart marriages, intimate relationships, and friendships. The disparity between different parenting styles exacerbates an already difficult issue and can confound new or even seasoned parents. However, parenting styles are ultimately about the children. Proper parenting might not invariably lead to perfect children, but parenting styles can definitely impact the emotional, social, and psychological development of the child. Because of this, it is important for parents or parents-to-be to learn about different parenting styles and discover the means toward becoming the best parent possible. While there is no blueprint to "good" parenting, some parenting styles can generally be considered better than others in terms of the outcome for the child. Moreover, disagreements about parenting styles can be solved through a thorough investigation of the pros and cons of each style. Parenting styles are generally classified into three or four main categories: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Of these four, the authoritative style is optimal, as it allows for a natural development of the child's sense of moral responsibility, common sense, confidence, and kindness. The authoritative style, also referred to as the consultant or counselor style, differs from the authoritarian style in three main respects: responsiveness to misbehavior; responsiveness to the child's needs; and the framing of the parent's needs, desires, and demands.

Responding to misbehavior is the hallmark of parenting style; when the child misbehaves, the parents establish their disciplinary patterns and boundaries. The authoritarian parent responds to unwanted behavior misbehavior with less of a tendency to overreact than the authoritarian parent, also known as a drill sergeant. The drill sergeant's ultimate goal is control over the child, whereas the counselor parent's ultimate goal is to teach the child respect and social norms. For example, if a child throws a temper tantrum in a store, the authoritative parent might yell back at the child or slap him or her. The authoritative parent could also react with a stern lecture, telling the child he or she is bad. The drill sergeant parent would also go through list of "thou shalt nots." On the other hand, the authoritative parent would first respond to the temper tantrum by taking a deep breath, escorting the child outside of the public area if necessary. There, the parent would try to talk to the child to find out what is bothering him or her and try to decipher his or her needs or wants. If that isn't possible, the parent offers a set of choices regarding the child's behavior. For example, the parent could say, "You can continue to pout or you can have that new toy you want: the choice is yours." Alternatively, the authoritarian parent might opt to say something like "Please try to tell me what you need in a calm voice; I'm much more likely to listen to what you say that way." Basically, the difference between the authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles in terms of misbehavior is that the authoritarian parent initiates rational communication whereas the authoritarian parent reacts out of frustration, anger, and other basic emotions.

The next area in which authoritarian and authoritative parenting differs is in regard to the parent's responses to the child's spoken or unspoken needs. The counselor/consultant style of the authoritative parent implies attentively and open-mindedly listening to the child's desires without passing judgment initially. For example, if the child wants a pair of designer jeans, the parent can hold off from saying "No" based on initial feelings of exasperation. Instead, the parent might find out if the child is experiencing peer pressure at school with regards to trendy clothing. Knowing that fitting in is a nearly universal need, the authoritative parent would suggest, "You can have those jeans but it would mean that we're not going to Disney World next month/not going out to your favorite restaurant tomorrow / not going to get that video game system you wanted." Framing the child's desire as a choice offers the child a sense of control and responsibility and fosters mature psychological development. The authoritative drill sergeant parent, on the other hand, would say "No!" To the request for designer jeans without consulting the child or addressing his or her concerns about fitting in at school. Moreover, the authoritative parent does not explain to the child reasons for the refusal; the refusal is simply an expression of "I'm the parent and that's the way it is."

Finally, authoritative and authoritarian parents differ in regards to their expression of their own needs, desires, and demands. For example, most children are messy and leave their toys or clothes strewn about the floor of their room if not the whole house. An authoritarian parent might express his or her needs for cleanliness through a reward system such as offering allowance money for chores. However, the authoritarian parent also explains why cleaning up is essential, and sets reasonable boundaries in regards to cleanliness. Actively engaging the child in dialogue is the authoritarian parent's main tool with regards to demanding certain behaviors from the child. Authoritarian parents, on the other hand, act like a drill sergeant would, such as by sternly or loudly demanding that the child perform a certain duty. The authoritative parent uses rank as the reasoning behind the demand and unlike the authoritarian parent, does not explain, reason, or engage the child in conversation.