¶ … classmate's draft and be as specific and detailed as possible.
First, read through your classmate's draft. Is the Background of the Problem clear and effective? Tell us how it could be improved.
This section explains that the problem is the school's party ranking, but not the underlying cause of alcohol abuse. I think it should focus on the real problem at the sdchool. Alcohol is only mentioned in the last sentence, which is worded in a confusing manner ("to give reinforcement to the ranking our students have a very lax attitude toward excessive drinking")
What is your feeling about the entire draft proposal? Does it capture your attention? Can you offer any ideas for how to expand it? Try and provide at least two additional details or ideas.
I was a little thrown off by the fact that the entire paper is focused more on the school's ranking tan the real problems faced by its students. It didn't hold my attention because it seemed more concerned with appearances than with the safety and well being of the student body. Offering more suggestions for reducing alcohol abuse and fewer for saving the school's reputation might be a good idea.
3. Does this draft proposal persuade you as a reader? Why or why not -- be specific?
It doesn't persuade me, mainly for the reasons listed above, and because you use very little evidence to back up your claims. A higher incidence of rape does not seem likely just because there is a higher incidence of partying, for example. Also, advertising costs used to bolster the school's reputation could be more efficiently used in alcohol awareness programs, which would also have the indirect result of improving the school's reputation.
4. Can you see any potential for reorganizing or changing the order? Did you find any repetitiveness? Tell us specifics.
Organization was clear, and the information was well presented. It was somewhat repetitive, however, in the need to address the reputation and the idea (not fully explained) to join forces with, basically, other party schools to protest the ratings.
5. Were there any passages that were unclear or confusing? Can you offer some suggestions?
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