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¶ … Live With Someone

Living with someone you love -- and not wanting to kill them afterwards!

Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus.

He's just not that into you.

So-called 'self-help'-related relationship literature is clearly in demand: such titles often dominate the best-seller lists. The advice about how to snag a man could fill many bins of half-price books at many a Barnes & Noble (most relationship literature is directed at women). But the question of how to live with a man or a woman is less often written about, perhaps because once the initial sexual attraction dies down, the issues at stake between the members of the couple become far more complex. Living with someone is a personal test for each partner's self-esteem, as well as a test of the relationship. Each person must conduct a soul-searching inventory of his or her own personal habits and dreams, and make sacrifices.

How to live with someone (and still love them)

Step 1: Be honest about your 'experience level' living with a roommate

Few Generation X or Y-ers have ever had to share a room, except perhaps in college or at camp. Fewer people share rooms with siblings than in the past and even colleges now offer more singles than ever before. Everyone must eventually learn the sad lesson at some point: you might like or love someone, but not like or love LIVING with that person. For example, one of you might be a night person while the other person might be a morning person. One of you might be messy, while the other might be neat. Financial changes in living conditions might be required as well. One partner may insist on organic strawberries, while the other feels that store brand Pop Tarts are an acceptable and affordable breakfast. One partner may expect to finally invest or improve the home or apartment more than the other person, and this too can become a source of conflict.

To live with someone requires a sacrifice not just of extra room in the bathroom, but also your sense of self and some of your personal priorities. If you have never lived with someone, expect changes -- and expect a great deal of negotiation.

Step 2: Be honest about how your family and friends feel

More and more people are living with one another before marriage. In fact some consider it wise to do so and even research supports the idea that, at very least 'trying out' a living situation does not significantly raise the likelihood of divorce. In fact, a survey of 13,000 men and women between the ages of 15 to 44 found that 71% of men and 65% of women who were engaged when they moved in with their future partner were married ten years later, compared with 69% and 66%, respectively, who did not cohabit before marriage (Connolly 2010).

However, some more traditional families still oppose the practice. Even if both of you are 'grown-ups' it can be difficult to deal with entrenched opposition to cohabitation from family members. Openly addressing the anger or resentment of family members because of your 'living situation' -- whether because you are cohabiting or because one of you is from a different social, ethnic, religious, racial background -- is a good idea. Even if the couple says family approval is insignificant, cutting off ties from family is seldom emotionally or practically realistic. Inviting both sets of parents over for dinner or simply to see your new place is a way of fostering peace and harmony, rather than friction.

Step 3: Look before you leap: Set the rules before you move in Chores, chores, chores: chores are often the leading source of marital discord, and the fighting is likely to begin before marriage. A predictable pattern is that one individual, often the woman, bears the brunt of the chore-related duties. This is especially when one person has a lower tolerance for dirt and disorder than the other individual. Having defined duties before moving in can spare many fights. Also, talking about the issue ensures that different perceptions of who does the most work will not arise: traditionally, men believe that they do more chores while women say men do less. A National Department of Labor study found that "based on reports from 21,000 people on their activities during an average day last year…employed women averaged about an hour more per day on housework than did employed men" ("Working women do more chores than men," 2010, NBC).

Step 4: Recognize it's no longer just your space -- even if that was once the case

When one person moves into the other person's space, whether an apartment or a house, he or she is moving into another person's territory. (When two individuals move into a new space, the relationship may be more equitable). Redefining the laws of the space is essential -- how much discretion does the 'new' inhabitant have in redecorating? How easy will it be for the other person to concede storage space? The rules of the relationship may change, given the new living situation. Communal sharing or equality may have characterized the relationship before cohabitation, but a more authoritarian style may begin to dominate, if the partners find themselves imitating their parent's behavior, for example, when living together and negotiating cleaning and decorating (Gilovich, 2010). Also, the issue of finances may arise when negotiating an equitable relationship -- if one partner makes more money, he or she may demand greater discretion over how it is spent, which can be a source of conflict.

Step 5: Ask yourself -- what is your attachment style?

Are you avoidant by nature? Do you need your space? Or do you get anxious if your partner stares at a television program and doesn't pay attention to you? One partner may feel upset if the other is more introverted and needs time to recharge his or her battery after a long and stressful day. Each partner's level of introversion or extroversion will become more obvious when living together: while it is easy to cover up the fact that you need a good half hour of silence in the morning before being willing to face the day, it is impossible to conceal this fact when living with someone!