Lessons of 9 Things You

¶ … Lessons of 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life

Hey: Why 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life is a simply must-read

Did you ever meet someone who seemed to have it completely 'together?' No matter what, he or she always seemed completely confident and poised. You must have thought that success always came easily to this individual. However, inspirational advocate Henry Cloud (2004), the author of 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life, suggests that adversity is not necessarily a roadblock but rather a potential source of growth. In other words, there is nothing good or bad, only thinking, or the way that we interpret adversity that makes negative experiences pluses or minuses in terms of our self-development. Cloud stresses that dynamism is essential -- the only bad way to cope with a crisis to remain stuck in a negative way of thinking. The truest, perhaps the only definition of insanity, is to do the same thing over and over again and to expect different results. Rather than proceed on the same course as a manner of rote behavior, successful people have a clear internal sense of their desired goal and final destination in life, and because of that clear, purpose-driven focus they are able to move forward from difficult circumstances that would discourage and mire other, less positive individuals.

Henry Cloud does not call any of the individuals chronicled in his book extraordinary or natural heroes, although heroes might have to overcome difficult circumstances. But not every successful person is a hero by nature. There is no single personality type or character that is able to be resilient in the face of adversity, rather resiliency, according to Cloud is a life pattern of choosing positive coping mechanisms. Success is the consistent result of "a way of behaving....a path that successful people took, given a certain set of choices." People who did not succeed shared certain common thought patterns: emotional detachment, narcissism, perfectionism, negative thinking, a mistrust of others and being a 'control freak.' However, people who were successful follow the nine basic steps, all of which are defined in the book by catchy phrases. For example, successful people "dig it up," namely they dig up the goal that is driving their life, what might be called their heart's desire. But successful people look outside of themselves as well, and make a real investment and commitment to meeting their goal, instead of wallowing in narcissism. By 'digging it up,' Cloud means digging up the inside of one's moral core and pouring one's values back into one's external life, facing the invisible and making it visible.

Successful people also "pull the tooth," in other words, they are willing to suffer quick and wrenching pain, rather than mull over things, and if they can get out of a negative situation, they do it, doing a daily "spring cleaning" of their souls and even occasionally of their negative friends. The successful people in Cloud's text are forward-looking, rather than backward-looking. This also relates to Cloud's belief that whenever you take action it is necessary to "play the movie" of future actions and consequences, considering the full implications of every motion when making major life decisions, to prevent negative things from happening as best as you can. Of course, the future can never be entirely predicted. There must be some acceptance of the unpredictability of human life. But on the other hand, taking instinctive, impulsive actions without thought for one's larger goals shows a failure of maturity and judgment. After all, part of the serenity prayer is to be given the grace to change what you can change, as well as the ability to accept what you cannot.

This idea also relates to the next principle of "doing something," in other words that successful people call on themselves first (and a higher power) as the first source of correction difficult situations. Most importantly and noteworthy for today's focus on psychological causes and blaming actions in the past for bad behavior in the present, Cloud's experience suggests that successful people do not focus on who is to blame, whether it is themselves or another person, rather they seek to resolve the issue without pointing fingers, making good out of bad, rather than bad out of good." No blame, no victims." That is the motto of a successful person.

You: The Anecdotal Validity of Cloud's Approach

Upon reading some of the principles of what makes a successful and goal-driven person, I thought of a girl I knew in high school. She was at the top of the class, and highly involved in extracurricular activities and volunteer work. She seemed destined for success, and indeed, she was accepted and received a scholarship to a highly competitive college.

A friend of mine, who attended the same college, told me later what happened to her. A straight -- a student all of her life, her first semester, despite her hardest efforts, yielded a respectable but unspectacular list of Bs and B+s. At every juncture, she talked about how unfair her professors were, and complained about the school -- nothing was right, nothing had met her expectations. Why had she not gone to the other school that had accepted her? Frustrated with the school's activities and her work outside of classes, which consisted of a smattering of disconnected efforts, she never found her niche and began going home every weekend to see her high school friends and boyfriend who had not left home for college. Lacking a real goal in school, other than to get perfect grades, she floundered. She was unable to dig deep within herself to see that the problem was her attitude, not just her teachers, she avoided rather than sought ways to do something to alleviate her mediocre (in her eyes) grades and lack of friends. The next semester, her grades were even worse, because she had given up entirely. She took up with several of the most disaffected students on campus, and began drinking and using casual, recreational drugs at parties. Impulsivity, rather than 'playing the movie' defined her approach to life. She had not moved on and done a spring cleaning of the soul from high school, her self-image of the past did not mesh with her status as an imperfect freshman in a highly competitive environment, so she refused to play the game of school at all.

Perhaps this negative thought pattern was learned from her parents. After she dropped out, the girl's mother and father blamed everything but their daughter -- they blamed her high school boyfriend, the school, her teachers -- and rather than encouraging her to begin at a different college or get a job, they enabled her in her lifestyle, allowing her to live rent-free in their home. A sad story of promise thwarted, and an opportunity wasted, and a demonstration of how self-absorption and a negative perfectionism can limit the life of even someone who seems destined to succeed

Look within the first core principles of the book seem extremely sound, namely to "dig it up," pull the tooth," "play the movie," and to "do something." For today's highly pressed and fast-paced times, another core principle of "acting like an ant" or taking one step at a time may seem difficult. But it relates to the idea that it is not enough to say 'I want this' or 'I want that,' rather what is important is that one acts in a particular way to realize that goal or desire that has been dug up from one's heart. Once a goal is set, moving forwards and looking ahead rather than blaming the past is easier and more attractive. The principle of humility and the recognition of the fact that we are all human and fallible are likewise essential. Our ultimate goal will never be perfectly realized, nor will the goal of one's friends and families. Our parents are imperfect, our teachers are imperfect -- and so are we. In the recognition of our incompleteness and our need of outside support, great things can still be accomplished. This relates to the startling idea of NOT playing fair in one's life, in other words, ask not what your country can do for you, rather give more back, ask what you can do for your country or your community. Does a parent ask what a child can give back in kind, or give selflessly?

The other two principles of Cloud's successful people are even more counterintuitive than 'don't play fair,' however. The idea of hating 'well' or moving away from what we dislike seems strange, but upon reflection, if perhaps my perfectionist friend had learned to hate some of the negative people and influences in her life, she would have prospered more in school and in life. Upsetting the right people likewise seems counterintuitive, but while positive and successful people sensitive to others, they do not make decisions based on the worry of what people might say.

And how can one predict what other people's reactions will be, anyway?

However, there are some problems with this book, notwithstanding. The first is the title: 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life. Who is one loving -- is it God, one's partner, the world, and humanity -- or one's self? Of course, the more inclusive sense of love becomes apparent over the course of the book and the delineation of the nine 'things' or principles (why not call them principles rather than the vague sounding term 'things') but a more descriptive title would be helpful. Also, what is the meaning of success? Is success gaining material attributes and esteem, or is it more of a combination of a sense of moral purpose and satisfaction? Cloud's principles would suggest this is the case, but it is easy to see many of the principles being used in business as well as in one's personal life. This does not necessarily invalidate his words, but the fact that being successful should mean being successful in terms more meaningful than is often defined by our culture is an important thing to keep in mind.