President of the United States

¶ … parents, I have the fondest idea of becoming the next President of the U.S.A. And the craziest idea that I will succeed.

You see, aside from the fact that I am honored and blessed in having you as my parents and, therefore, have a skein of green blood flowing through me that makes it insupportable that I will not be America's next elected, I also have the dubious honor of possessing psychic powers that enables me to achieve my objectives. Psychic powers enable me to read others minds. They enable me to collapse into thick air, and re-emerge again (after disturbing and shocking others with benevolent or malicious intent depending on my mood). Psychic power has also transported me around the world and, in that guise, I have seen the misery and poverty of the world first hand, whilst also invisibly confabulating with people who suck and gorge off others. And it makes me angry and bitter -- Marxist, perhaps, to an extent -- and determined to help right the wrong of the earth.

I particularly believe this, and therefore particularly believe that I am born to be president, since the gods and demi-gods have feted me with miraculous powers and since our time needs it. Never, but once before, in American history ahs our country come so close to ruin. The wealthy are becoming wealthier whilst the poorer are becoming poorer, and in the midst of the second greatest Depression in history, ego-centered executives are flying their own planes and shing-shallyign with prostitutes, whilst people are cuddling up on the streets of America every day -- mere children and elderly -- and dying. The first Depression produced a Franklin Theodore Roosevelt. The second depression produced a -- ME. Add this up: the confluence of circumstances of you as my parents, psychic powers, and outstanding empathy for the downtrodden, as well as my birth to a people that need me, in a time that needs me, and I have no doubt in my mind, but one, that I am destined to be America's next president.

Part II.

My pet knows that I can be president. Born a Growling, I have released him of the evil spirits that tormented him, changed his gender and converted him into a shig-growling. In the Shig-Growling world (whatsoever that may be: I am still confused regarding its elements), I am renowned as Master Magician Number 1,2,3. Master Magician Number 1,2,3 evokes special respect from certain nucleated and not always congealable creatures on earth and so, when I walk the streets or alleys, I feel it in the air that the very birds in the sky recognize and discern my presence for when they come near me, they quickly clipper and quirk and frolic away.

More to the point, as President I have to promise my people something and attempt to make better than the current president or his predecessors. So now I'm trying to woo my pet to my cause. How can he/she/it help me? More to the point, how can I persuade him o help me?

Well, we often say that the country is going to the dogs. These are empty promises that past individuals have made and the dogs, according to what my own dog has informed me, are frustrated that earthlings (i.e. humans) fail to keep their promise. Apparently, they lie. If the country is going to the dogs, and they have opined this time and time again, then why is this state of affairs not occurring.

This is where I come in. I bend down on one knee and solemnly affirm to my pet, the Shig-Growling dog that, not only will America go to the dogs, but it will go to the dogs forever and ever. And it will go to his breed.

Being diplomatic, I realize that I have to also persuade the normal and sub-normal citizens of the U.S.A. -- i.e. us mortals -- of my category of reasoning and the wisdom behind it. How to do so?

The answer again is simple.

Politicians stand up and talk. We know to disbelieve them. Every Aye is a nay, and we learn to flip over their words as quickly as pancakes and to read the reverse.