Satire \"Chan Buddhism No Longer

Satire

"Chan Buddhism No Longer Here and Now"

After last week's shocking revelation that Pure Land Buddhism was no longer pure, Chinese Buddhism has been dealt another major metaphysical blow. Chinese religious authorities admit that Chan is no longer here and now. Monks are considering changing the Chan slogan to "There and Then: We're Different from Zen." Meditation is no longer working, claim the monks. Some say the practice is too difficult and should be eliminated.

Practitioners of Pure Land Buddhism claim that their ancestors may be responsible for tainting their religion. After leaving approximately six million tons of offerings in the form of food and beverage, Pure Land practitioners note, "They never eat what we give them. Our ancestors are too fussy and we do not want to waste food anymore." Some families have begun leaving plastic fruits and fake food displays like the ones used in restaurant windows, and a few say that the displays help them feel more pure. Pure Land Buddhists gave up on rigorous meditation practices long ago, and claim that Chan Buddhists should do the same. Meditation, according to some Pure Land Buddhists, is a useless practice that was condemned by the Buddha himself. "Has anyone met the Buddha in the road and killed him, honestly?"

"If no longer here, and no longer now, then where and when?" One Chan monk replied. "This is the biggest conundrum since we started wondering whether a tree that falls in the forest makes a sound, or what the sound of one hand clapping is." As a result, monk and nuns in monasteries and convents all over China are searching both there and then for the real Buddhism. The confusion is causing great chaos in China, except among Taoist circles. One Taoist told reporters, "It's all good."

Chan monks have also started losing count of their breaths. "I reached five yesterday, and that was as far as I could go," one nun said. "I might have to start watching television. This is getting really boring." Many monks are frustrated. Chanting the Lotus Sutra, which once used to offer a strong point of concentration, has become extremely difficult. Some older monks and nuns say not to worry. They claim that Chan Buddhism is old enough to survive yet another crisis in its long legacy in Asia. "If Chan is not here, and Chan is not now, then Chan will eventually come back. Everyone knows that religion goes in twenty-year cycles!"

The Chan elders also say they gave up on Pure Land a long time ago. "Those Pure Land people should just give up," one octogenarian Chan monk living outside of Beijing said. "Did you see what their monks are wearing these days? Please! Someone get them on that show where they give you a total makeover." Another Chan monk said, "In Pure Land Buddhism, they burn way too much incense. It makes me cough! They need to clean up their act." Some Chan Buddhists say that because of air pollution rampant throughout China and especially in its cities, the religion should change its name from Pure Land Buddhism to Impure Land Buddhism.