Self-Concept Sherfield, Robert. The Everything

Self-Concept

Sherfield, Robert. The Everything Self-Esteem Book. New York: Adams Media, 2003.

Author Robert Sherfield begins his self-help tome the Everything Self-Esteem Book admitting that self-esteem has been getting a 'bad rap' in the media (Sherfield 6). The self-esteem movement has been accused of fostering overly high expectations and laziness in the newest generation of teens and 'tweens, of 'Oprah-izing' the media, and has been relentlessly parodied on almost every major comedy show. But Sherfield argues that building healthy self-esteem is not selfish, or something to be mocked. Rather, a person with high-self-esteem and a realistic self-concept is "able to see the good in others and the world around" (Sherfield i). As a result he or she is more forgiving of others' faults as well as more forgiving of him or herself. This sense of generosity does not mean that the person with self-esteem stops trying hard or is willing to accept second best. Instead he or she is more optimistic and therefore is "more of a pleasure to be around" and is less of a burden on society because of improved physical and mental health. People with high self-esteem take care of themselves and are better able to take care of others as a result. They can forge healthy rather than unhealthy relationships (Sherfield 46).

Contrary to those therapists who dismiss the popular self-esteem's movement emphasis on emotional, physical, and mental wholeness, Sherfield states that self-esteem needs are part of the basic necessities like food and shelter, according to Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs" (Sherfield xii). We all need love, but first we need to tend to ourselves, so we do not ask the other person in the relationship to give us more than he or she can realistically be expected to give. Self-esteem is not about shutting out realities and the fact that everyone has weaknesses, it is about setting high but realistic goals (Sherfield xii). Self-esteem is not about saying 'I'm okay' it is about doing things to feel that sense of positive 'okayness,' setting goals, and taking proactive action to improve the individual's sense of self-worth (Sherfield 8). One might ask Sherfield's possible critics, you think the Olympians reaching their goals have maintained a high or low sense of self-esteem to sacrifice and go through hours of grueling practice to reach their goals? Would it be possible to do so with a low sense of self-worth? Not likely.

Everyone has more than one self" (Sherfield 2). This means that who we are shifts slightly or greatly, depending who they are in relation to others, whether father, son, employee, and so forth. Human beings are social animals, hence their shifting sense of self and different esteem needs. These different identities can be confusing at times and if there is too much of a difference between these identities, a public and private self, anxiety can occur. A powerful woman in the office whose husband treats her in a demeaning fashion may grow depressed. Also, if you are successful publically but feel hollow within, this juxtaposition between private and public self can cause anxiety. Or if you are the self others want you to be rather than what you feel is your true self a loss of personal empowerment and a sense of pervasive depression may set in (Sherfield 3). Of course, to some extent our sense of self depends on our context -- the material, social, spiritual, 'me' may differ slightly. But they all affect one another. In contrast to more academic treatments of the Self by Jonathan within the discipline of formal psychology, this stress upon spirituality is, amongst other things, one of the distinctions between the Everything Self-Esteem Book, for example and the Self by Jonathan Brown.

Responding to critics in the media and also therapists like Brown is the reason, perhaps that Sherfield is so careful to create a very goal-oriented book. "Self-esteem is dependant upon the goals we have for ourselves and the degree to which we achieve those goals (Sherfield 4). Feeling positive about the self makes goals more achievable, and when we reach goals our self-esteem is bolstered. Conversely, people with high self-esteem are more easily to build themselves back up after being criticized by others. Self-esteem is not 'feeling good' as much as it is feeling right (Sherfield 7). It is taking constructive criticism, but knowing when to go against the group in pursuit of a goal.

If self-esteem is difficult to define, the deep-seeded reasons of low self-esteem are often hard to spot as well -- they may be hidden both from the observer and the sufferer. One common sign of low self-esteem is unconscious self-sabotage. An example of someone with low self-esteem engaging in self-sabotage might be the dieter who constantly says she wants to lose weight, that her life would be perfect if she lost weight, but always 'cheats' and falls off of the wagon. She might have low self-esteem and believe she does not deserve to be thin, or is frightened of the implications of having a better life. People with low self-esteem may feel hollow inside, like the example of 'Phillip,' the fictional case study of an accountant pressured into his profession by his parents who hates his work (Sherfield 13). Having low self-esteem can even be deadly, as in the case of people who stay in abusive relationships because they think they aren't 'good enough' to deserve something better (Sherfield 45).

Sherfield also provides the real-life example that of Homer Hickman, a boy from a small coal-mining town who successfully predicted he would become a rocket engineer because of his positive self-image. Of course, Hickman did not merely 'try' to feel better about himself, however, he also took proactive steps to realize his goal, even as a young boy. Although he grew up in an isolated community, his efforts took him to the National Science Fair as a result (Sherfield 33). This example, and many others provided by Sherfield indicates that self-esteem is not arrogance, merely believing you are better than everyone else but by focusing on what is unique about yourself, and what you can achieve, not comparing yourself with your peers, positively or negatively. Arrogance, a false and inflated concept of the self, often conceals hidden, low self-esteem it is not absolute validation from everyone around you, or your loved ones, which means your self-worth is contingent upon the perception (and the self-esteem) of others.

The reasons for self-esteem may not be obvious to the outside world, but the symptoms of low self-esteem usually are. Self-sabotage, immaturity, being short-tempered, having a poor grip on reality, unhappily conforming to the standards of a group because of a fear of rejection, and being hyper-critical of themselves and others are some common symptoms of low self-esteem. As for the reasons for low self-esteem, Sherfield believes that children are deeply influenced by their upbringing. An unsupportive family or peer group early on can lay the foundation for poor self-esteem (Sherfield 24-25). So can teachers and the media. We are always learning how to think about ourselves from these sources, and staying connected to a strong social network of friends that allows us to 'be ourselves' rather than to conform improves self-esteem, as does having parents or teachers who do not try to batter down our ego with negative comparisons to others.