Subjective perspectives on single motherhood

Parenting

Sally bounces her six-month-old boy on her knee while she responds enthusiastically to my questions. At twenty-six she is a relatively young mother; however, Sally had her first child when she was only eighteen.

A wasn't using any birth control at the time," she tells me. "I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to support my kid without dropping out of college, but I made it! Joey here wasn't an accident," she tells me frankly. "I thought the relationship was going to last, but you know how these things go."

Many of the single mothers I interviewed for this study shared similar sentiments: most of expected their relationships with men would last and that they could form a "big, happy family." Their disillusionment has made some of them stronger, others bitter and mistrusting of members of the opposite sex. Sally is of the former camp; her lively attitude is refreshing, if not unusual for single moms, many of whom are stressed out much of the time.

Sally is an accountant and works full time. She had never been on welfare and makes enough money to support her and her two kids. When I ask her about her child care options, she wrinkles her nose.

That can be really difficult," she tells me. "I have gone through so many day care centers, it's not even funny."

The lack of community care for single working mothers is probably one of the most disheartening factors facing single moms. Modern American society offers little in terms of community resources for single moms. As a result, many single mothers feel alone and isolated. Broken off from friends and family members because of geography, many women in this situation find that they don't really fit in anywhere.

I can't really relate to married couples with kids because they have their own lives, things they do together as a family. I also can't relate to most single women because they don't know what it's like to be a mom. Plus it's hard to go out without bringing the kids along, and most childless people I know don't always want babies tagging along to their social events!"

Being a single mom takes its toll on young women's social lives. They notice other people their age going out to parties and doing other things that are impossible to do while being a responsible parent. Furthermore, it can be extremely difficult for single mothers to meet new romantic partners. A lot of men shy away from ready-made families, unwilling or unable to deal with the pressures of being a step-parent. Most single moms also understand that they can no longer engage in causal affairs; they are looking for something more stable and secure. Being a single mom scares away many eligible bachelors, and there are few single fathers with children who can relate.

Not all women are as financially independent as Sally. Jo Anne, a thirty-year-old with two kids aged five and seven, has been receiving government assistance for years. I noticed a common thread among women who rely on outside financial aid: shame. Even when they feel that the government could be doing more for single moms, such as providing free child care and medical assistance without any red tape, these women wish they could be completely independent. Many single moms have had to drop out of school in order to find low-paying jobs just to support their kids. These women sacrificed ambitious career goals because they had to take on the responsibilities of being a mom. In such cases, their self-esteem plummets.

Low self-esteem and feelings of shame impact physical as well as mental health. Some of the women I interviewed for this project were overweight and rarely found the time for exercise or outdoor activities. As a result, their mental and physical health has suffered. Furthermore, without a network of friends to encourage a healthy lifestyle, these women fall into a vicious cycle. Some of them become depressed but can't afford or don't seek proper treatment.

Single mothers experience a wide range of difficulties, notably economic, social, and psychological problems. Even when women like Sally exhibit financial self-sufficiency, single mothers cope with their identities. In a culture defined by youth, single moms sometimes feel like their lives have been put on hold, their youth ripped away from them, when they have children. Moreover, many single women feel ostracized from their families of origin or their cultural communities because of the stigma associated with raising a child out of wedlock.

Young single mothers also contend with different issues than women from previous generations. Elaine, a twenty-two-year-old college student, had her baby at a time when her classmates were attending keg parties at sororities. Her major, Women's Studies, gave Elaine a unique perspective on motherhood and child-rearing.