Social work approaches to divorce

Divorce / Counseling

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2009 in the United States there were approximately 1,077,000 marriages. That is 6.8 people per 1,000 citizens got married. On the other hand, 3.4 persons per 1,000 were divorced. That includes data from the U.S. Census, and 44 of the 50 states were included in the data. Using data from an earlier Census, the CDC reports that in 2002, the "probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce" within 5 years after the couple was married is 20% (CDC). The probability of a "premarital cohabitation" (that is, people living together but not joining in matrimony) ending in separation within 5 years is 49%. And after ten years, the probability "…of a first marriage ending is 33%, compared with 62% for cohabitations" (CDC). These statistics, especially relating to the high percentage of people who get divorced, is troubling. The divorce rate could be reduced with good planning and counseling. This paper presents a thesis that calls for married couples to seek counseling before they decide on -- or file for -- divorce.

The Literature on Counseling and Divorce

Janine M. Bernard writes in the peer-reviewed Personnel and Guidance Journal that one of the problems that can lead a couple to divorce is buying into the "marriage myth" (Bernard, 1981, p. 67). The marriage myth "…promises life happily ever after," Bernard explains, and the flaw in that argument stems from the fact that somehow the "institution of marriage itself has inordinate powers to make people happy" -- notwithstanding the emotional or mental health of the couple involved, or that maturity shown by the people involved.

Bernard goes on to show the points that are part of the marriage myth -- which, as noted, leads romantic couples to believe that they can make it based on false preliminary ideas -- in eight components. Bernard asserts that these assumptions lead to marriage failure: a) if we love each other, things will work out; b) marriage means considering the other person "first"; c) don't criticize, hold your thought to yourself; d) when things go bad, ignore them and focus "on the future"; e) picture yourself as linked to the couple you're in, and only secondarily see yourself as an individual; f) "what's mine is yours"; g) people become "significantly happier" when they marry; and h) what's best for the children is "best for us" (Bernard, 67).

If a couple met with a competent marriage counselor prior to tying the knot, that counselor could (and should) point out the flaws in those rationalizations listed above. But the chances are most couples buy into the myth that "if we love each other," nothing bad can happen, which is patently absurd. Bernard's "divorce myth" is also apropos for this paper, in that it brings up justifications and rationalizations in the same context as the marriage myths.

In a situation that is leaning toward divorce, these myths are too often embraced: a) since we're not in love anymore, nothing can work out (the couple did nothing to "enhance communication"); b) "always consider oneself first" in divorce proceedings (lawyers will do the fighting for you but look out for your own interests, not the marriage); c) focus "on the negative" and "criticize everything"; d) the legal system and the courts are there to divide up the spoils (Bernard, 69).

The point of this article is clear: couples should not be drawn into marriage myths, but instead they should be realistically approaching matrimony with the help of professional counseling, or at least, with the advice and counsel of a trusted pastor, priest, rabbi, or other religious leader. And if they find their relationship in trouble, they should not buy into divorce myths but rather they should schedule an appointment with a competent professional marriage counselor. Listening to friends, or family, or to one's own heart, is not enough when the potential breakup of a marriage looms as a possibility.

Elana Katz explains that a viable alternative to divorce -- a way to "demystify" the divorce process -- is mediation. There are differences to be explained between mediation and therapy, Katz writes, and this paper will point those out. But clearly mediation is one alternative to jumping into divorce. Mediation is not of course specifically related to divorce; it is a process whereby people consult with "outside experts" but they negotiate and make up their own minds (Katz, 2006, p. 94). Mediators work directly with both parties in a marriage dispute, and in fact both parties may have attorneys, but during mediation, the attorneys agree out in front that they will "…not bring the matter to court" but rather work to solve issues (Katz, 94).