Talking to Children About Death

Talking to Children about Death actually begins early in their lives. Fairy tales and children's stories often contain elements of death or dying in the story format that help children grasp the concept of death. Unless there is trauma involved, death and dying does not have to be a bad or traumatic experience for children. We use our religious and family traditions to explain it to them, and often invoke characters that they are familiar with in their religious tradition or their family reading and experiences. There is a large body of work that exists on the subject of working to help children understand death and dying. It is good to know that the literature cover all the different aspects of death with which a child might be concerned.

Researchers Paul Barnard, Ian Morland, Julie Nagy, and Jessica Kingsley (1999) take the reader through the ways in which to work with children who have experienced loss in their lives with traumatic episodes. Their work is the product of nine years of research and combined experience working with children who have suffered death, loss and, in some cases, accompanied by elements of trauma. These researchers say that working with children challenged their training methods, and they had to make decisions that were in the best interest of the children, and sometimes that meant stepping aside to let the children guide them as to the ways that these therapists could best be helpful to the child and family (8). Interestingly, too, the group found that listening to the children talk about their experience often resulted in the decision that many children did not need bereavement counseling (8). Still, others were determined to be in need of the counseling services (8).

This group's research is of particular interest, because they worked with children who had experienced disasters. Working with children who had survived disasters is actually how this group of specialists came together in their work. They belong to an organization known as the Liverpool Children's Project. Disasters are something that the researchers have experienced in their own lives, ranging from Irish Republican Army (IRA) bombings, to mining disasters. In more recent years, we have all experienced the disasters surrounding terrorism. It is often easy to forget that as we go through these experiences as adults, the children in our lives are experiencing the affects of the tragedies in our lives with us. This sometimes requires the skills of specialists whose work and job it is to help children experience those events with as little trauma as possible, and to find ways to resolve the trauma that they have experienced.

Helping Bereaved Children: A Handbook for Practitioners, by Boyd Webb is a resource for the practitioner who, like the first group of experts mentioned, find themselves in new or uncharted territory when working with children. Webb helps distinguish the levels of grief that children experience, including "complicated grief," such as the death of a sibling, or suicide in the family. These are unique instances of loss, and ones that many therapists seldom see in their practices. A resource such as this book represents is a useful tool for practitioners.

Webb helps the therapist working with children to understand their own needs as therapists working under these very emotional conditions with the most vulnerable segment of our society. He explores the "self-care" for the therapist, which is something that most therapists would not be focused on. However, if the therapist is not of a good emotional and mental place in their day, it is not a good day to attempt working with children whose lives have suffered emotional trauma.

There is a language that is useful to employ when working with children who have experienced trauma and death. Glenda Fredman (1997) explores the use of language and vocabulary in initiating dialog with children who have experienced death through trauma, or grief through natural loss of someone close to them in their lives. In her book, Death Talk: Conversations with Children and Families, Fredman provides into "when to talk, and when not to," and creating stories around memories of the loved ones lost. This book approaches the subject with a gentle and concerned perspective, and leads the reader through the process of exploring the avenues to travel down when working with children and their families.

In Helping Children Live with Death and Loss, authors and social researcher Dinah Seibert, Judy C. Drolet, and Joyce V. Fetro (2003) explore the ways in which the therapist must help the children and their families move beyond the event of death, and to turn the death and loss into memories that can help keep the person or loved one in the mind of the child without the trauma or pain of death. In other words, it becomes a life experience and not just a death experience. It comes from an understanding through the research of these authors as to what memories a child needs in order to cope with death, and what do they need to ask about the process of death and dying. Often times the questions that children have on their minds are not questions that adults are ready to answer, and this book helps prepare the adult reader for that moment in their lives.

In the book Children and Death: Perspectives from Birth through Adolescence, authors and editors John E. Scholwalter, Penelope Buschman, Paul R. Patterson, Austin Kutscher, Margot Tallmer, Robert G. Stevenson, and Jeanne D. Cole explore the stories and thoughts of children and adolescents as they pertain to death, dying, and loss. It is an amazing and interesting work, because it explores the ideas and thoughts of children and adolescents on the subject, from their perspectives. The book presents children's concepts of God, death, and life after death. These are incredible experiences and stories that have been collected by these editors and authors, and it is actually a book that is unlike most others on subject.

Jurgen Moltmann's (1998) book, Is there Life after Death, while not focusing specifically on children, helps to bring out the discussion that is essential when working with children. Without the conversation of life after death, it would be difficult to counsel children. This is a book that parents and professionals would be able to benefit from having read when they are approaching children who have experienced loss and death.