Divorce on Middle Childhood There

¶ … Divorce on Middle Childhood

There are many reasons behind the divorces of parents today, but despite all of the reasons behind it, there is no question that it is hard on the children of these parents, and when these children and in middle childhood and still discovering who they are, the problems can be worse. This paper introduces this topic and discusses the findings of current research regarding this issue, as well as conclusions that stem from this research. All research that is cited in this paper comes from professional journals and material that was written during the last five years, as the ideas about children and how they cope with the divorce of their parents continues to change.

It is for this reason that the subject is discussed here and the information that is cited is so current. What was said about children and how they cope with divorce 10 years ago may not reflect what has been discovered about children today. By allowing a very current discussion of the issue, what happens to these children can be avoided as much as possible and can be tempered where it cannot be avoided so that the children of divorced parents get all of the help and support that they can to avoid struggling with the problem in the future.

The Effect of Divorce on Middle Childhood

Introduction

Divorce is something that has been around for hundreds of years, but it has become so common today that the stigma that used to be attached to it is not often seen anymore. Depending on the country in which one lives and the religious denomination that one belongs to, divorce may be forbidden, generally accepted, or somewhere in between. Most middle-aged adults have been divorced or know people that have been divorced, many several times. However, there are consequences of divorce that go beyond having generally less money or dealing with religious convictions. For parents that divorce, many of them do not take into full account what the divorce can do to their children.

This does not mean that divorce is never a good option, as some parents are abusive to their children and/or spouse. If this is the case, divorcing and moving away from that parent may be the best choice. Child abuse can be very painful and hard to recover from, and children that see one of their parents being abused may come to the conclusion that this is normal and proper behavior. Most often, it is the mother that is abused, but this is not always the case, and there are abused fathers as well. This all has a strong effect on whether most people would believe that a particular couple should or should not divorce, but for parents that do not have abuse and other serious problems in their relationship, the idea of divorce is upsetting to many individuals, and the feelings of the children should be considered.

This discussion will focus on middle childhood, but first it is important to briefly discuss younger and older children, so that the discussion of middle childhood will more clearly showcase the differences between the effects that might be seen on children of divorce based on the age they are when their parents choose divorce as their best option. This age issue is significant, because the developmental stage of a child is critical to how that child will react to the idea that his or her parents are divorcing and will no longer be living in the same house. Children often think that this is their fault in some way, and in order to help them through that parents must understand exactly what makes the child feel this way and what works for their particular age level to stop them from having this opinion.

For very young children, say those that are under five or six years of age, what divorce actually is and why the parents are divorcing must be simplified so that the child can understand it. Children in this age group need these simple explanations and they should be told only what they actually need to know in order to avoid confusing them or making them feel as though they have done something. Children of this age should also be assured that the divorce is an adult decision that has nothing to do with how much either one of the parents loves the child, and that the child will still be loved equally and just as much by both parents even though one parent will no longer live there. This issue of love and assurance is important for children of all ages, but it is more important for young children whose grasp of what divorce means and why it is happening is not as strong as that of an older child that can deal with more technical explanations and issues.

For children that are older - late teens or college age - the explanations that are given for the divorce can be more along the lines of the type of explanation that would be given to another close adult. Care must be taken, however, not to make one parent look like the 'bad guy' so that hard feelings and animosity are not fostered toward one parent by the other. Even older children need the reassurance that they are loved and that they have not done something to cause the divorce, but they are more able, overall, to handle any issues that may come up. They also might accept the divorce better than they would have in middle childhood, simply because they are old enough to understand that their parents are not happy and they likely feel that happiness is something that all individuals deserve.

For someone in middle childhood, the consequences of divorce can sometimes be quite severe. Naturally, the discussion here will center around what can happen, and it should be understood that this is not something that is guaranteed. Every child reacts to the divorce of their parents differently, and because of this there is a range of things that can take place, and many different issues that are dealt with, based on the age and the emotional stability of the child, as well as his or her understanding of what is happening.

When parents divorce, the children are often caught in the middle and left feeling that it is their fault somehow. There are often harsh words, bad feelings, and emotional pain that come before, during, and sometimes after the divorce. While the feelings of the parents need to be expressed, their children are not the right people to express them to. Children are sensitive and emotionally vulnerable, and too many negative comments from one parent about the other can leave scars that last well into adulthood.

Findings

According to Valarie King (2002), parental divorces greatly decrease the level of trust found in their offspring. When parents divorce, their children lose a lot of the trust that they had in both of their parents. Often, it is the father who leaves, but the mother is distrusted, too, since some children think that the father's leaving was the mother's fault, or that she made him leave. Once children make it through their teenage years, the distrust largely disappears, except for the distrust in fathers, which seems to remain intact throughout the adult lives of the children (King, 2002).

King (2002) also points out that the ability of children to trust their parents is strongly linked to the bond that children have with their parents in their teenage years, whether or not the parents are divorced. There is hope for children who are mistrustful after a parental divorce, however. They will need extra attention, extra love, and a good, strong bond between themselves and both of their parents. Often this is not possible, especially if the parents no longer get along well with each other and therefore have trouble being civil to each other in private or in front of the children.

This can make the children's wounds deeper, because they not only distrust the parents for their breakup, but they see that one parent does not trust the other. This realization often leads to concerns about whether they can trust anyone, which makes their formative, growing-up years much more difficult for them and their parents (King, 2002). Once distrust gets started, it takes long time to set it right and convince that person that people can be trusted again. The easiest way to stop the feelings of distrust are to never get them started, but sometimes ugly and angry divorces between parents who use their children as bargaining tools make that virtually impossible.

It is often during the teenage years that children begin to experiment with new things, new people, and new ideas. This is a normal way to learn about life, and relatively harmless provided the children are not engaging in dangerous behaviors such as alcohol use, drug use, or unprotected sexual activity. Children of divorced parents do not always fit the 'norm' when it comes to these behaviors. They can go one of two ways, if they have social and emotional problems brought on by the divorce. They can spend their teenage years being wild and out-of-control, or they can spend them as a virtual recluse, rarely leaving their rooms except to go to mandatory functions such as school. Neither one of these options is very good, and both can lead to more problems later on in life.

When children become wild and hard to control, parents are often at a loss as to how to help them. It is difficult enough to control a wild, unruly teenager when there are two parents in the house, but much more difficult when there is only one parent. To compound the problem, that single parent often works two jobs or long hours to provide food, clothing, and shelter for himself or herself and the children. This absence from the house can allow the child too much unsupervised free time in which to experiment with new and dangerous things that can get them in trouble with parents, the law, or worse.

On the other side of the equation are the reclusive children. Their deep distrust of anyone else does not cause them to adapt a lack of concern to their attitude like the wild teenagers, but rather they become very cautious, almost paranoid, of venturing forth into the world. They do not want to get hurt again. Because of this, they do not make friends easily and they lose out on the all-important peer relationships that they need during their teenage years. They do not join clubs, they do not play sports, and they do not go out with their friends on the weekends because they have no friends to go out with.

Add in the fact that the parent is not home much due to work obligations, and there is great potential for the children to become depressed and even suicidal. While this behavior can also happen in two-parent families, there are often warning signs that sometimes go overlooked in single-parents families simply because the parent is not around to see them. It is not really the fault of either parent, but it is certainly not the fault of the child, either. What it is, is a very important issue that all divorced parents should be aware of. Evidence by other researchers has shown a decreased commitment to the marriages of these children of divorce when they grow up (Amato & DeBoer, 2001), and problems with physical, psychological, social well-being (Hetherington, 2003).

According to Tami Videon (2002) this delinquency and depression can be very pronounced in single-parent families. Her research does indicate, however, that the relationship that the parents had with the children before the breakup can greatly affect how the children will react when the parents divorce and one moves out. For example, if the parents and children were very close and were not just parent and child but friends as well, the children will take the divorce better than they would if the parents previously fought all of the time and had little time for their children.

While this seems an obvious point, not all parents realize how important their relationships with their children are. Once they are grown up it is often too late to make too many changes to that relationship. A relationship between parents and children must be cultivated from the beginning and not be let go of simply because of a divorce. It is not the children's fault, but many children think that their parents divorced because the children did something wrong. Especially if they are very young, they often do not realize that the parents, not the children, are the ones to blame for the divorce.

There is a further point made by Videon (2002). When children are separated from the same-sex parent, their delinquency is greater than when they are separated from the opposite-sex parent. Children and teenagers are often much closer to the parent of the same sex, and Videon and other researchers believe that this closeness results in the greater difficulties when the parent and child are separated. Also, the happier they were with their relationship with the same-sex parent, the greater the delinquency after separation (Videon, 2002).

Other researchers have indicated that there is generally less stress and damage in the mother-child relationship than there is in the father-child relationship (Nakonezy, Rodgers, & Nusssbaum, 2003), and that the lack of involvement on the part of the father rather than the divorce itself is often to blame for many of the problems that the children face (Ahrons & Tanner, 2003).

For example, if a young girl treasures her mother and has a very close relationship with her she will react with greater post-parental-divorce delinquency if she is required to live with her father than she will if she stays with her mother. The worse the relationship with her mother was before the separation, the higher her delinquency rate will be. The same is true for father-son relationships, where a son may resent being made to live with his mother if he and his father previously enjoyed a very close relationship. His delinquency problems would be helped by allowing him to live with his father, because he will have less delinquent tendencies if he remains in the same house with the parent he is closest to. Forcing children to stay in the same house with the parent they are not closest to after the divorce often causes unhappiness and rebellion.

Regardless of the structure of the family, Videon (2002) says that opposite-sex parents still have a strong influence on an adolescent's depression, so it is very important that the parents each maintain a good relationship with their children and make sure that they are in the children's lives often, even if they do not live together anymore. This should be done regardless of whether the mother and father can get along with each other. They should be civil to each other for the sake of their children's needs, emotions, and feelings, which are likely very fragile after the divorce.

Videon (2002) also points out that there is a need for further study of gender-specific influences on children's well-being after a divorce. Clearly, the same-sex parent has a lot of influence; more so than the opposite-sex parent in a divorce situation. While there has not been much study done on this type of relationship, further research into it would be very helpful for parents who are trying to help their children cope with the pain of divorce. Often parents must put their own desires and feelings aside for the sake of their children, and that is made somewhat easier if the parents and children already have a close relationship where they can talk to and confide in one another.

Biblarz and Gottainer (2000) compared the success rate of children raised by mothers who were widowed and mothers who were divorced to see if there was a significant difference between the two or if all single-parent families were basically the same. Their results were somewhat surprising, as they found significantly lower levels of happiness, occupational status, and education in adult children who were raised by divorced women as opposed to widowed women.

The effect of a father dying did not seem to be as severe and lasting as the effect of a father who left the marriage. One theory is that the children know, when a parent dies, that they cannot see them anymore. Therefore it is understandable that their father is no longer in their lives. When a father moves out due to divorce, the children sense that he should be there; could be there, but is not. This may contribute somewhat to the sense of loss and unhappiness that many children seem to have after a divorce. It may also contribute to lower self-worth, which will naturally have an effect on the success rate and occupational goals of the children in question.

Biblarz and Gottainer (2000) also suggest that divorced single mothers are more likely to be in the lower-paid section of the workforce, be financially stressed out and concerned over bills, and be less able to spend much time with their children, than widowed mothers. Even though there were not significant differences between the two groups in other areas such as religion, health-related behaviors such as exercise levels, child-rearing abilities and concerns, and family values, the differences in work roles and finances were enough to cause problems for the children of divorced single mothers. These problems, the study showed, carry over into adulthood. For some children of divorced parents, these problems plague them all their lives. They never really go away.

The social structure, because of work, finances, and other aspects; including the stigma attached to divorce in the United States; is very different between divorced single mothers and widowed single mothers. Biblarz and Gottainer (2000) speculate that those social structure differences may likely be the reasons for the different outcomes in children of single-parent families. That is not to say, of course, that children of widowed mothers are always successful and that children of divorced mothers are never successful. There are no absolutes. However, children of divorced mothers, as a generalization, are less likely to get good educations and hold good jobs. Not only do they often not have the income and the resources to make such things happen, but they do not have the desire to make them happen, either. This is where good parenting can help out. There are always ways to offset some of the effects of divorce.

If both parents maintain a good relationship with the children, including encouraging them in their goals whenever possible, the children will feel less destined for failure. Not all children can be helped by this kind of encouragement, but there is certainly no harm in it, and many children will benefit from knowing that both parents love them and care about their future, even if they do not live together anymore.

Children often fear being away from either parent for long periods of time. Often they get nervous and do not seem to understand that the other parent is not gone for good. They are coming back, just not right this minute. As children grow up, they understand that a parent will return when they leave the house to go somewhere, barring some unforeseen act of God or act of another person, such as a traffic accident, shooting, etc. These things can and do take parents away from their children, and sometimes permanently.

However, children also fear abandonment much more after divorce than they do when they live in a two-parent household (Wolchik, Tein, Sandler, & Doyle, 2002). According to Wolchik et. al. (2002) children often have problems adjusting to the fact that the other parent is not in the house anymore. Even if the parents still maintain a civil or even a good relationship, it is not the same as having both parents there during meal times, bed time, etc.

Some children adjust well, but others have problems. They fear that the parent who moved out has abandoned them for good, and they also fear that the parent they live with will abandon them as well. As always, reassurance is important, but there are only so many times a parent can tell their children that they will not leave them. After that, it is up to the child to work out that the parent they live with is going to stay around. This could take a long time or a short time, depending on how well-adjusted the child is, what age the child is, and how well they handle stressful situations.

Maladjustment and the fear of abandonment are mental health issues and should be dealt with accordingly (Wolchik et. al. 2002). Sometimes counseling is helpful, but not if the parent has to leave the child with the counselor. Leaving the child with a stranger could make the abandonment feelings worse. On the other hand, the argument could be made that if the children go to counseling and see that their parent returns for them every time, this might actually ease their fears of abandonment. However it is dealt with, it is a tricky issue, and it is difficult for parents to handle because they need some time away from their children every now and then so that they can have some time just for themselves. It is only natural to want some personal time and space, no matter how much they love their children.

If the parents get along well and the non-custodial parent picks the children up on appointed days and times then not only does the custodial parent get a break to have their own time, but the children's fears of abandonment are lessened by the fact that they can see that the custodial parent has not forgotten about them or abandoned them. In time they will understand that the non-custodial parent is still around and still loves them, he or she just does not live in the same house anymore.