Marital Relationship Throughout the Development

¶ … Marital Relationship

Throughout the development of the marital relationship, a couple is poised to experience numerous changes, stresses, and stages as they journey through life together. From the time the first glance is given, to the time the last breath is taken, a marriage can bring the best of what life has to offer, but also the worst that life can deliver. This narrative analysis will look at the figurative couple, John and Mary, as they travel through these stages of life.

Meeting -- Dating -- Courtship

It all began… Usually, it all begins with a look or a glance. This was also true for John and Mary. He first saw her at a July 4th picnic during the summer college months as several of the fraternity houses developed a party for those who were still in town to celebrate the holiday. "When you meet someone in a social situation, the first thing you generally notice is whether that person is attractive to you," (Singer, 1980, p.19). This was certainly true for John as he glanced at Mary and she returned the look, accompanied with a precious smirk. Their relationship began the way most do, with an initial glance, and eventually John decided to ask Mary out.

They dated off and on for the next couple years, and spent hours talking about goals, family, children, traveling, dreams, hopes, money, careers, and all the things young couples should be concerned about. Perhaps she just knew or perhaps there was a "science" to it, but Mary often dreamed of the day when John would finally ask her the big questions. "The rules of attraction make up a pretty long list. No scientist knows the order of the list. But near the top is perhaps one of the toughest characteristics to gauge in advance in the search for the perfect partner," (Livescience.com 2010). For some of her friends, they claimed it was a smell, look, or a trait that was THE attraction factor, but for Mary it was a combination of attributes.

John was no different. He wanted Mary to be his wife more than he had wanted most things in his life. The questions plaguing him were not different from the ones plaguing his friends. Could he commit? Was she "the one?" Was the timing right? "Couples who thrive are unswervingly committed to each other and to their relationship. They have joyfully cast their lot with each other, and they don't spend time looking back, wondering if they did the right thing, or casting about for an escape route," (Page, 1994, p. 20). John was not looking for an out, nor was he looking for someone else. He had found what he had wanted and was ready to commit. Little did Mary know that tonight was going to be the night.

It was just days away from graduation, and finals were in sight for both of them. Soon their degrees would be conferred, and they would be on their way to with the first major step to their career goals behind them. What Mary thought was just a celebration of their accomplishment, turned out to be the night that her life would change. After dinner and a bottle of wine in their favorite Italian Restaurant, John drove Mary back to the park where they had met, bent a knee, and she said, "Yes."

Engagement -- Marriage

There is only one thing more frantic than a bride planning a wedding. That is a bride, her mother, and his mother planning a wedding. "Although you may feel that you and your in-laws have essentially achieved a conforming relationship during the early relationship period and that you have a solid foundation for dealing with future problems, remember that the family is subject to many outside sources," (Horsley, 1997, p.57). Never is this more realized then during major life events including a wedding ceremony, the birth of a child, the loss of a job, or the loss of a family member. The engagement period to John felt like nothing more then the "wedding planning phase," but to Mary, it was a highlight of their relationship. John often wished things were more like when they were dating, and Mary didn't understand why he didn't want to be more involved. For the first time, they were realizing just how different they were. "When we fail to realize and accept the difference, we build up unrealistic expectations and guarantee we will be disappointed," (Bushong, 1997, p. 17). The truth is they both still wanted each other but the pressure from the forces of John looking for a job, Mary planning a wedding, the in-laws not getting along, and the hours wasted on arguments pushed against their fairy tale utopia. They were in proximity to each other, but neither felt close to the other one. "Closeness refers to an emotional perception. Togetherness is a physical fact…you can feel close to someone who is miles away…and far from someone who may be lying the same bed with you," (Singer, 35).

John called Mary from work and asked her if they could meet alone for dinner. Mary agreed but worried all afternoon. When she arrived at the restaurant what John would say to her would change the course of the rest of their relationship.

Marriage -- Honeymoon

"I love you, Mary, more than anything, but I can't do this…rather, we can't do this, alone, that is." It was almost as though the words hung in the air as Mary tried to decipher their meaning and what the connection was. She thought he was giving up. He continued by saying, "With all the stress of the wedding, and job hunting, your mother, er, I mean, uh, our mothers, we need to talk to someone who can help guide us so we don't loose what we once had." Mary paused, and in a moment of clarity realized she had a man who believed in their relationship enough to seek help, and not only that, but he proved his commitment to her. Perhaps more couples would survive if they were to seek help during times such as these. "Three doctors who studied 6000 marriages and 3000 divorces concluded, 'There may be nothing more important in a marriage than a determination that it shall persist. With such a determination, individuals force themselves to adjust and to accept situations which would seem sufficient grounds for a breakup, if continuation of the marriage were not the prime objective," (Parrott & Parrott, 1995, p. 49). They made their appointment, and Toby entered their life.

Having someone stand outside their relationship that is able to look back in and provide insight and guidance is invaluable, and just what John and Mary needed. He informed them that often engaged couples go through this "differing" stage, and everything they were experiencing was normal. "In-law problems and relationships cannot all be painted with the same brush -- the solutions to them are unique and filled with as much variety as the people they represent," (Horsley, 1997, p. 3). Getting through this stage was one of the key building blocks for John and Mary, as it is in any relationship. Toby helped them identify that they were experiencing the common stresses that most couples go through, but to John and Mary, they felt isolated, as if they were the first couple to ever experience such stress or such issues. Toby helped them identify and isolate the concerns of joining two households, who come from at least two different walks of life, belief systems, socioeconomic status, political persuasion, and religious affiliation. This couple needed to strip away some of their present precautions and ideologies about marriage and their relationship, and begin a new relationship that would establish them as individuals and as a couple.

The day came, they walked the aisle, some family members didn't show up out of objection, but friends filled in the vacant seats and they were on their way to their new life together. They boarded the plane and they were off to their first night as John & Mary & #8230;.

Newlyweds

Mary woke up to the sound of John getting ready in the bathroom of their newly decorated and acquired townhouse on the north side of town. Though they really couldn't afford it, they new it would bring them some stability in their developing lives. With sleep still her eyes, she sat down, only to experience the coldness of the rim of the toilet, rather than the seat that she believed should have been put down. "All marriages go through stages, the old wisdom goes. After the honeymoon phase ends, a couple will begin to be annoyed by the very qualities that attracted them to each other in the first place," (1994,-Page, p. xxi). The need for a cup of coffee in the morning, the simple short text messages that simply say, "I love you," the particular way the towels are folded, and the way the dishes go into the dishwasher are just some of the examples of the little things that newlywed couple was realizing that didn't make a difference, and now all of a sudden did. Perhaps that was the reason this day that Mary felt dissatisfied, disillusioned, and disappointed. But John would not realize it until later, as we off to work another long day at his new job. He wanted to be sure the "boss" new that we was committed, a hard worker, and dedicated. Funny how once the marriage was secure he was more concerned about his boss realizing these things, than he was his wife. During this stage, Mary longed for the communication they used to have; the long chats at dinner, staying up late in bed dreaming, and the off and on text messages sent all day. "Every full realized relationship is a trip from surface emotions down into the depths, descending through distinct levels of intimate communication that move from the shallow levels to the deepest level," (Smalley, 2007, p. 27). That deep level of communication was what Mary was once again longing for. She called Toby and he recommended that she do something to "recapture" John's attention, and once again, she took his advice.

When John walked in the door of their townhouse that night, the smell of his she favorite manicotti hung in the air, accompanied by Italian bread and a bottle of Cabernet, set to candlelight with Chopin playing in the background. He realized that tonight was going to be different, and the generous gesture immediately deflated his defenses, and put that smirk back on his face. "I don't want to loose us, John," Mary said. And with that, they talked all night, like the used to, about in-laws, and children, money, dreams, trips, vacations, hopes, and desires.

Young Children

"I'll be on the flight tonight, the convention is ending early." The words put a smile on Mary's face as John would be home that evening rather than in two days as originally anticipated. Mary stood holding the little plastic stick with a '+' sign, and she knew their lives were about to change. Mary was glowing, or at least she felt she was, and she wondered if John would know when he got home, but then she remember he was not that intuitive. "There's no way for us to know how our lives will change after our baby arrive…Babies are the natural culmination of the love we share…Once the realities of new parenthood set in, the stresses stand out, too, like to much salt in a dish," (Gottman, 2007, p. 16).

The stresses would be obvious soon enough as they made the drive home from the hospital with their firstborn son bundled up in the appropriate five point harness restraint system, rear facing, in the middle of the mini-van with a grandma on each side monitoring (and often recommending how John should change his driving patterns) the safety of the child. The president, himself, has never had such security.

Between diapers, late night feedings, her mother, his mother, life insurance, hospital bills, the lack of sex (that dreaded six to eight-week period), John and Mary had never felt so apart. "Of all the arguments married couples can have, the fights about children can be the most intense and complex, and if the underlying problems are not solved, the fights can last a lifetime…" (Tessina, 2008, p. 87). John was working, and Mary was picking up odd jobs here and there as she committed to being home with the children, but that still left unanswered questions, such as, who does the dishes, empties the diaper bin, watches the child, does the shopping, and pays the bills. Of course John was tired when he got home from work, but Mary was waiting in anticipation for him to get home so she could have a break.

"Very often couples take their religious beliefs and backgrounds lightly until they have children," (Tessina, 2008, p. 106), and John and Mary were no different. This was reveled to them one night when John said at dinner that they should have their son baptized. John was baptized as an infant and never thought Mary would have an objection, but the look on her face was obvious that she did not share his religious conviction. They had not taken the time to discuss the differences in their faith, really, until this point, and it was clear that this issue would not be resolved tonight. John knew his mother would be devastated if her grandson was not baptized, and Mary knew here mother would be devastated if he was. "…In any argument or miscommunication, there is not one objective, absolute reality. There are always two subjective realities, both of them right in their own way," (Gottman, 2007, p. 66).

This would soon become the reality that John and Mary would have to approach all of the "conversations," with. Where they found they used to have so much in common, the more they were together, their differences were taking the focal point of their relationship. They learned through these years that setting aside time for conversations, would not only save their marriage, but be the very thing that would help them survive through one of the biggest crises they would experience.

The Teenage Years

Having one child is work, but having three is a full time career. John and Mary would find out as all three of their children were experiencing the teenage years at the same time. "It's been said that you will pick a partner who mirrors the most neurotic qualities of your parents. But this is a limited view: you will pick a partner who also mirrors the finest qualities of your parents." (Wolf, 1997, p. 86) Perhaps at time in marriage the latter takes precedence but during the teenage years, the children did a good job of letting their parents know how much they were like their own parents. By now, John and Mary had a good approach for dealing with their children and most of life's disagreements, by setting some ground rules early on in their parenting career, that Toby had help them resolve. Having a resolve or a basis for their conversations has saved them numerous times throughout their marriage, like when, their 8-year-old spilled red Kool-Aid on grandma's plush white carpet, or when their 12-year-old decided to pop the heads off the 9-year-olds Barbies, or when John decided to go back to school, and when Mary had to go see her brother who was going through cancer treatments for two weeks. Their resolve went like this:

1. Agree to resolve the issue

2. Do research

3. Give yourselves time

4. Talk about it repeatedly

5. Explain your partner's point-of-view

6. Focus on your children

7. Experiment

8. Create a blend of your own

9. Avoid right/wrong discussion (Tessina, 2008, p. 109-112)

This pattern for handling life's stresses, conversations, and concerns in their marriage, was often accompanied by Toby, guiding them through the stages of these types of decisions. When the school had called that day, both John and Mary were home, and what they thought would be a routine, "What did he do this time?" conversation, turned into the moment that would define them as a couple.

When they arrived at the school, there were fire trucks, police cars, and ambulances. John thought, oh great, he pulled the firearm, and had to smirk remembering the time he had done the same thing. But as they got out of the car, the atmosphere was different, and this was no practical joke. "What do you mean he's not breathing?" That would be the last thing Mary would hear until she found herself sitting by his hospital bed with tubes and wires protruding from his body, and her had clasped in his.

"For people who haven't been through this, it's impossible to realize what it means to acknowledge all these emotions in yourself much less share them with your spouse. There may be such strong denial, anger or same, such sadness and pain that silence seem preferable to words which only remind you of the anguish," (Singer, 1980, p. 243). Mary longed to talk but didn't have the words. John did the opposite. He could not stop talking, to doctors, friends, family, his mother, and yes, even her mother this time. He went into the hospital room, and looked into Mary's eyes, and without saying a word, they knew everything the other was thinking, and they collapsed in an embrace gripping the hand of their now lifeless child.

Empty Nesting

What life brought during their lives as parents of teenagers not only effected them as a couple, but effected what they would do and what they would value as their other two children journeyed off to college, and thankfully they chose their alma matter. They could no longer retire early, after hospital bills, college loans, and mortgage payments. Mary would go back to work in her career, and found a good network of support in her office. The loss of anyone is not something to "get over" but something to "live with," and thus John and Mary were finding out more and more about whom they were as a couple. Toby had lost a child as well, and proved to be a wealth of resource, help, support, and connected them to a grief recovery group. John and Mary were now committed to helping families who had experienced such loss and began a small group of their own to help parents who are experiencing such life issues.