Barriers to leaving dating violence: support networks, fear, and hope

Dating Violence: Why Do Victims Stay?
Introduction
There are numerous reasons for why a victim of dating violence might stay in an abusive relationship: one is a lack of support network—a place where the victim can turn for help, care, comfort, understanding and acceptance; another reason is fear—the victim is afraid of what would happen were he or she to leave the relationship; another is the belief that if the person simply stays in the relationship the partner will eventually become better and cease being so violent—this is the optimistic perspective that some maintain even as the violence and abuse escalates: they commit themselves to their partner in spite of everything (Dare, Guadagno & Muscanell, 2013), or they simply do not perceive any better alternatives in the dating market (Copp, Giordano, Longmore & Manning, 2015). This paper will analyze these reasons in greater detail using a social psychology perspective to help explain why so many victims of dating violence and abuse continue to stay in these relationships.
The Lack of a Support Network
It often occurs that victims of dating violence have not substantial support network that they can fall back on when adversity strikes. A support network is a substantial part of being able to develop well and maintain a healthy status in life—and it is a big factor in why victims of abuse continue to stay in relationships with the abuser: they simply do not have a good support system to fall back on (Salazar, Wingood, DiClemente, Lang & Harrington, 2004). Support systems are essential in healthy lives because they give people a place where they can feel comfortable and like they are not being judged. It is especially true for women that do not have a support system that they will stay with abusive men because at least they have someone in their lives and they are willing to live with the abuse so long as it means they have a “place” or a “partner” that they can call their own.
As Sylaska and Edwards (2014) note, when people have a support system in place they are more likely to rely on that system when dating violence does occur: they will share with their support network—whether friends or family—what is going on and get feedback from them about the situation. So long as the support network is strong and everyone in it has a good and healthy relationship, the individual who is the victim of dating violence is likely to listen to the advice of the support network. Friends and family can thus make a big impact on the decision-making processes of the victim of dating violence.
However, Sylaska and Edwards (2014) also point out that in order for the support network to be effective, it has to maintain a positive attitude and give positive feedback to the victim rather than negative feedback or criticism because the latter can push the victim right back into the arms of the victimizer. By not being sympathetic and supportive, the support network fails to provide actual support and thus it can be as though the victim truly did not have a support network in place at all. For that reason, it is very important that a network of friends and family never adopt bitter or negative responses to a victim’s disclosure of dating violence as that can trigger a negative feedback loop. The support system has to be positive and supportive and show that they are better, in this way, than the counter-party who is being violent.
Fear
Sometimes it can happen that the victim of dating violence is so afraid of what the abuser will do if he or she leaves the other that they will stay in the relationship out of fear of the unknown rather than because they are in love or want to make their victimizer happy. Stonard, Bowen, Walker & Price (2017) show that one of the big reasons that victims give for why they stay in relationships where they are being abused is that if they live the other will “find a way to get you” (p. 2083). The victimizer is typically perceived as one who is capable of doing anything and there are usually threats that go along with the violence: for example, one is abusing another during dating may say something like, “If you ever leave me, I’ll kill you,” or, “Don’t ever tell anyone about this or I’ll beat you even worse next time.” There is a bullying mentality that goes along with victimizers in relationships. They have a sense of power and authority over the other that is typically manifested via aggressive behavior.
This aggression on their part is what drives fear into the victim. The victim will be afraid of making good on a threat to leave because of the opposite threat on the part of the abuser to “get” the victim. This creates an unhealthy atmosphere in which the victim wants to get out of the relationship but cannot summon the strength or courage to actually leave because of the haunting thought of what worse things may occur where the individual to cut off ties with the abuser. Stories of stalking and even of murder are not uncommon in the media and these surely help to fan the flames of horror and fear that victims feel when they are caught in a situation wherein dating violence is happening (Stonard et al., 2017).
Optimism or Lack of Other Alternatives
Still in other cases, a person may stay in an abusive relationship out of feelings of love and commitment. The person may feel that if the he or she were to leave the abuser, the abuser would really suffer the most. The victim in these type of cases feels that he or she is actually helping the victimizer by continuing in the relationship. There is an optimistic spirit about the victim’s desire to stay, as Dare et al. (2013) have shown. Or there is simply the recognition that they could do worse elsewhere: yes, so they reason, they may have to suffer violence with the person they are currently dating, but others have to deal with the same—and, besides, it is probably going to be the same situation no matter where they go or who they date. This is what Copp et al. (2015) uncovered in their study of why victims stay in relationships where violence is an issue. People just do not see any better alternatives anywhere else.
Thus, there can be a mix of optimism or even false optimism on one hand, and a feeling of despair about even finding someone better on the other hand. These two combined create a compulsion in the victim to just want to “stick it out” and make do with what they have—even if it is unhealthy. They can convince themselves that they do so out of love, or they really do love the person and will put up with violence to show it.
A Combination of Them All
In some cases, it can be all three reasons. Cruz (2003) shows, for instance, gay male victims of dating violence tend to have the same reasons for staying as female victims of dating violence: “financial dependence, love, hope for change, and fear of escalated violence” (p. 309). In other words, they will lack a support network, be afraid of worse violence if they do leave, or will genuinely love their attacker and be optimistic about the person changing for the better eventually. In short, there is oftentimes no one reason for why an individual will stay in a relationship that is violent.
Sometimes it is a complex tapestry that people weave for themselves: they do not always know the reasons themselves why they do things. They just fall into a routine pattern of behavior and before long they are buried deeply in a situation that is not healthy or good for them but it is hard for them to find a way out—whether because they lack the financial or emotional security and support to get out of the situation, or because they are still in love, or because they are afraid of what the other will do, or because no better option has presented itself to them.