Why Fathers Should Have Custody

¶ … family is separated, a father and mother divorced, and the child left on its own. Who is to take custody of the child? The word custody stolidly describes the upbringing of the child. Research has shown that most of the children who become delinquents in their pre-teen and teen age are single parented. This paper takes a look at the current research investigating young non-custodial fathers following separation and divorce.

Many researchers, by using a focus group methodology, have found and disputed young fathers' issues related to their children, their ex-partners and the judicial system. The results imply that non-custodial fathers are perplexing to engage, yet in need of attention and assistance.

Single fathers "can 'mother' as well as women" (DeMaris & Greif, 1992, p. 55). By an empirical research Lamb, 1999; Lazar & Guttman, 1998; Thomas & Forehand, 1993 have ascertained that men can be the custodians of a child and help the child become a respected citizen of the society. Contrasting are the views held by Daniel Amneus -- the system of female-headed "families" which has created ghettos and barrios by encouraging women to marry the state and breed fatherless children who are eight times more likely to become delinquent. In spite of these figures, U.S. statistics reveal that 40% of American children do not live in homes where their fathers live, making 'fatherlessness' "the most harmful trend of this generation" (Blankenhorn, 1995, p. 1). Proclaiming that the absence of fathers in the home is probably less alarming than our own absence of belief in fathers, Blankenhorn further questions our ability to find ways to "invigorate effective fatherhood as a norm of male behavior" (p. 2).

All in all, keeping in mind this trend that the attitude seems to threaten the significance of the father in the household, DeMaris and Greif (1992) presented data denoting that male head of households more than tripled in the United States from 1970 to 1990. These data seem to suggest that where fathers are present after separation and divorce, there is an increase in males receiving custody over their children. In British Columbia, according to the 1991 Census, lone-male parent families have increased by approximately 30% from 1981-1991 indicating that the number of father-headed lone parent families is also on the increase.

Whatever the battle may be against single fathers, we have to understand that the victims in this war are children. Many adults now acknowledge the benefit of a supportive professional as they face the challenges a divorce inevitably brings. But many parents are unsure at what point their child may be exhibiting signs that indicate a need for professional counseling. Many of these signs are similar to the symptoms adults experience when undergoing severe stress.

Some children are known to have woken with nightmares or have great difficulty going to sleep, saying they are afraid (of monsters, burglars, ghosts, etc.). Other children may regress to earlier sleeping patterns, such as sleeping with a favorite object, wetting the bed, or sleeping in a parent's room. Children also tend to withdraw and hide in sleeping, which is more likely in teenagers and sleep longer hours than usual.

Many children under severe stress have difficulty with appetite. They feel their stomach hurts or feels upset and they may appear more picky than usual or refuse to eat at certain meals. Other children find solace in food and try to nurture themselves by eating sweets and high fat foods. Both are signs that a child is not addressing directly their feelings of stress, anxiety or possible depression. Teachers have often seen when there are problems at home just by observing a child's behavior at school. A child who was once very social may isolate or even push peers away. Children can become aggressive, exhibiting the interaction styles they have witnessed between their parents.

Some children withdraw and isolate when they are afraid or upset. When isolating children may be doing things that help them feel better, such as writing, drawing or listening to music. But a child may be feeling alone, left out, frightened and obsessing about how out of control their life feels.

While some of these signs may appear for a short period of time and in mild forms during any divorce, if they are present for a significant period of time (weeks or months) it is important for the child to be evaluated by a professional therapist. Children usually feel comfortable with a therapist who specializes in treating children or has children of their own. A therapist working with children should also have supplies on hand to help children feel comfortable sharing their feelings. Some common therapy tools are, drawing materials, such as crayons, markers, colored pencils, puppets, books, sand tray and toys.

Jordan's (1985) review compared the effects of separation and divorce for both custodial and non-custodial fathers and concluded that the most striking effects of divorce for men with children was in the area of mental health. Sixty to 80% of men in these studies reported long-lasting stress related symptoms, such as sleeplessness, crying, reduced energy, poor appetite and excessive tiredness. Research pertaining to noncustodial fathers after separation or divorce reported experiences of loss, grief, and sadness, loneliness, and inadequacy and feelings of incompetence. Despite the highly stressful nature of divorce, few men sought traditional clinical resources and tended to avoid professional contact; factors that may, according to Jacobs (1982), have contributed to the lack of research on noncustodial fathers.

Kruk (1993) studied the absent or disengaged father, which he believed was the most prevalent form of the noncustodial father. Looking for reasons why these fathers were absent or disengaged, Kruk pointed to the impact of the justice system in concluding that the mother was still considered the appropriate custodial parent. He also found that disagreements over custody and access were more likely in wife-initiated divorces; fathers wanting to remain actively involved with their children while the wives were reported as wanting a "clean break" (p. 19). Greif (1985) reported that most divorced fathers identified the lack of confirmation of their role as fathers by their ex-wives and ex-wives' families as the major reason for their loss of contact with their children. Pruett and Pruett strongly suggested that men who are "visitors" do not have much impact on their children and that meaningful roles need to be created for noncustodial fathers that elevate their opportunities to contribute to their children's overall development. Nielsen suggested that recent research points to how divorced fathers are demeaned, demoralized, and disenfranchised following divorce in ways that make it difficult for them to maintain close relationships with their own children.

The current research examined the experiences of the less prevalent form of noncustodial fathers, being in concurrent with Ameus' theories. The following is an attempt to portray the importance of why fathers should have custody of his child, encompassing those who were engaged with their children to different degrees or those who were attempting to be engaged in their children's lives, or both. This study used a focus group methodology to collect information from noncustodial fathers regarding their experiences. Stewart and Shadasani (1990) described the focus group method as a group interview well suited to producing a rich body of data that is expressed using the respondents' own words and context. The current focus groups were structured using broad open-ended questions as suggested by Kreuger. These questions served to encourage a moderated discussion between participants within the group. Individual discussion as well as the discussion of issues between participants provided data for interpretation and analysis.

Participants in the current study were recruited from an outreach program for single fathers. Though these men participated in the focus groups and often talked about their program, the intent of the research was to understand the experiences of these fathers and not to evaluate the outreach program. The researchers acknowledge that participating in an outreach program provides experiences for these men that may be quite different than the experiences of fathers who have not availed of this experience. Participants ranged in age from 15 to 28 (mean = 22.3 years) with none of the fathers having custody of the children. A 15-year-old participant in the study was included because it was believed he would bring a perspective to the group that more clearly defined the overall experiences of young fathers.

All participants in the focus groups were either unemployed or had low-paying, hourly-wage jobs. None would be considered in a middle-income level. Greif (1985) in a very thorough literature review indicated that fathers studied tended to be mostly homogenous, White, middle-class, Protestant and Catholic, with a slightly higher than average income and some college education. Participants in the current study did not fit this profile. All participants had lived with their ex-spouse for 1 year or more; 15 had been married and threea had had common law relationships. At the time of the interviews only three participants were in another committed relationship.

Three focus groups, lasting approximately 2.5 hours each and consisting of six fathers per group (N = 18), were carried out over a period of 5 weeks. The facilitator for the outreach program contacted all fathers who said they wanted to participate in the interviews. Each focus group interview was led by two experienced group facilitators and was tape recorded for future analysis. One of these facilitators was one of the authors of this manuscript, and the second facilitator was a master's level counselor in the community. The authors did several things in the current study to ensure rigor. Prior to conducting the interviews, the two facilitators met on three occasions to review the interviewing protocol and discuss issues each person may be bringing to the session. Issues identified as possible biasing factors in the interviewing process revolved around one of the authors having been a custodial single father and the second facilitator being female. Following all sessions, the two facilitators met and debriefed the interviews, noting any inconsistencies in the application of the interview questions and process, discussing how specific questions did or did not work as well as clarifying observations on issues that arose in the interviews. All attempts were made to reduce bias resulting from the facilitators' personal experiences.

The questions used in this semi-structured interview process asked participants about their experiences of being in an outreach program for fathers and how the experience was helpful or not helpful to them. They were also asked about their experiences being in custody and their access to their children while in custody; the nature of their relationships with their ex-partners and their children; their experiences with the judicial system; their experiences with visitations with their children; and their experiences as fathers.

Fathers' needs and concerns, an identified theme, were subdivided into how they perceived themselves as a father, how others perceived their fathering skills and their views of their overall experience as a father. The fathers expressed a sense of pride in being fathers. It was important to them that they fulfilled what it meant to be a good father and, more importantly, that their children perceived them as good fathers. Comments like, "I was always a good father. I never once doubted myself, maybe I could have been a better husband," reflected a view held by several fathers in the group, one that drew a distinction between the roles of being a father and that of being a husband. In the latter case, one wonders how much of their perceived failure as a husband contributed to their difficulties after separation vs. that of being a bad father.

The role of fathering appeared to be taken quite seriously and there seemed to be an acceptance that one's life had to change in order to meet the responsibilities offered by that role, e.g. " I was a party animal until my son was born," and "Being a father means not being able to party as much anymore." Acceptance of their children's perception of them also seemed to contribute to their view of themselves as fathers: "Sometimes my kids say things to me that make me proud to be a father."

Contrary to their own positive views of themselves as fathers were the competing views of others in their lives. A large majority of the fathers in the focus group did not feel respected as fathers by their ex-spouses. Though some of them felt inexperienced as fathers, they also believed that the child's mother did not give them a chance to begin with, or they were told they needed to have a parenting course. They expressed the view that their ex-partners did not trust them with the children: "My ex-does not have confidence in me that I can be a good father." Other fathers suggested that their ex-partners thought that they [the fathers] would be off partying when the children were with them. On the whole, however, the fathers said they were proud to be fathers and that even though it was often a battle to be engaged with their children, the whole experience of fatherhood was quite rewarding

What seemed paramount in the fathers' reported experiences were their relationship with their ex- partners. Most of the fathers said they did not have positive relationships with their children's mother. The fathers who were in conflict were also the ones who related difficulties with visitations and with having to go back and forth to the court. Fathers who reported positive relationships with their ex-partners generally reported more positive experiences with visitations and generally had no court-related issues. The sub-themes emerging from this category revolved around continuing relationships issues, their ex-partners' expressed lack of confidence in their [the fathers'] parenting ability and interference in access to their child (ren). The intent here is to show some of the issues raised that have had an impact on their ongoing relationships.

In addition to the ex-partners' lack of confidence in their parenting abilities and the difficulties fathers encountered with visitations, fathers also expressed frustration with what they believed was a lot of interference from their ex-partners' parents. Statements like, "I think its mostly her parents running everything," "Her mom is a man hater," and "Her parents are totally supporting her and the baby," reflected the fathers' perception that the extended family of their ex-partner interfered a lot and that what they did and said influenced his relationship with his ex-partner, especially when it came to visitation rights.

Fathers often expressed the view that they contributed significantly to the family income when the father and mother were living together, but since separating, they felt the financial support had gone unacknowledged, e.g. "I was the only one that ever worked and supported my family," and "I looked after my ex-wife and she never had to pay a bill." Having contributed to the family financially, fathers expressed resentment over what they felt was ill-treatment by their ex-partner: "The one thing that really bugs me is I have to pay her alimony for her throwing me out." Despite these resentments and feelings that the ex-partner "doesn't always respect what [I] say," there was general agreement that a positive relationship with the ex-partner was a goal towards which they all strived, albeit for the sake of minimizing conflicts and problems with visitations ("You're screwed unless you have a friendship with the mother") and for the well-being of the children: "I'm trying to keep us on a talking, calm, friendly relationship for the sake of my son."

Concerns related to their children related only minimally with discipline (as in who disciplines more effectively) but more significantly related to the emotional well being of their children and wanting to have a presence in the lives of their children. Fathers expressed a need to be involved with their children: "If you want to relate well with your kids you have to be in their life," "Being a week-end dad is not enough for me." Some fathers felt they did not want their children to experience what they themselves experienced as children: "I don't want him to grow up and think that I've ever abandoned him like my dad did to me." Some expressed emotional concerns related to their children being exposed to the influences of other men ("I feel I get all my kids grief when other men are brought into their lives") and that they worried a lot about their children.

Fathers reported considerable difficulties in their attempts to have meaningful visitations with their children. Not surprisingly, the issues surrounding visitations were related to issues surrounding the fathers' views of the judicial system and their experiences with the courts and lawyers. Relationship difficulties with their ex-partners, as discussed above, also placed the visitation issue within a larger, understandable context. Statements related to visitation concerns were thematically arranged under the headings: threats and intimidation from ex-- partners, emotional toll of visitations, and limitations imposed on visitations.

Fathers said they sometimes received threats of violence when they went to take their children for a visit. One father discussed sending someone else to get his children because the relationship with his ex-partner had deteriorated too much. Typically, however, threats had more to do with losing visitation privileges and that unless they [the fathers] acted appropriately (defined by what they felt their ex-partner wanted), they would not see their children. The fathers also discussed how they were unable to talk to their children if they missed a child maintenance payment, how children would not be ready for pre-arranged visits, or that there were last-minute cancellations: "Out of the holidays that went by I should have had him once but she says no every time," "What bothers me is that she has the final say [about visitations]," "If the kid's mom wanted to be real cruel, I would never see the kids."