Women\'s Self-Empowerment it Is Not

Women's Self-Empowerment

It is not the things we want and don't get that are the source of our greatest tests and trials

it is the things we do get that we did not want and never expected (De Angelis, 2010).

As Barbara De Angelis correctly points out, life is full of surprises and they are not always pleasant. She tells us, "No matter how hard we try, we cannot plan for the unexpected." We make all kinds of plans, but we never plan for hurt, disappointment and heartbreak. These things catch us off guard and have the power to destroy us, if we let them. De Angelis urges readers to refuse to be defined by pain and to figure out a way to learn from every experience, no matter how bad it seems.

One myth that is common for many women is the notion that one should try to do everything perfectly, thus ensuring that nothing unexpected will ever happen. We are taught that "good girls" eventually get their rewards. We work hard, we achieve the goals we set for ourselves and then we expect life will continue on a straight, predictable path, bringing us the predictable outcomes we believe we deserve. It is not as though we deserve, or do not deserve, what happens. That is beside the point. Whatever happens, we have choices in the way we respond. The first step, according to De Angelis, is to be honest with ourselves about our unhappiness and be open to asking the questions that will lead to the answers that are right for each of us. De Angelis calls this "digging deep for wisdom."

De Angelis's book is powerful because she has a wonderful ability to speak to readers as if she is addressing everyone individually. She cites many examples from her own life and those of other women. It is comforting to see these examples because we then know our misery is not unique. Others have experienced the same kind of pain and loss -- job loss, divorce, end of a close friendship, and even death. When we read about others' ability to rise above their pain, make meaning of it and then move forward in a positive direction, we feel empowered to do the same.

De Angelis suggests we step back from whatever bad experience we have had to look at it objectively. Doing so helps us calm irrational fears and also helps us realize that others have faced the same kind of situation. We can benefit from what they have learned, but De Angelis maintains we must each go through our own pain to learn to deal with it and come out better for it. She points out, "Wake-up calls are never on our itinerary…but they test who we are and reveal us to ourselves like nothing else can."

De Angelis cites some startling statistics: depression affects approximately 19 million American adults; 22 million suffer from alcohol or drug abuse; 22% experience insomnia on a nightly basis. "We have more comforts, more possessions, more of everything than ever before in the history of humankind. Yet in spite of all this, we appear to be more miserable." De Angelis argues that many people mourn for the lives they thought they would have, rather than making the most of the lives they do have. She does not discuss the fact that depression, alcoholism, and insomnia can have real physiological causes, no does she discuss ways these diseases can be treated. The focus of De Angelis's book is the choices that many people can make for themselves; they can choose to be happy rather than dwell in the miserable past or think wishfully about what they believe they have missed.