Memoir of a young girl's formative experiences

Memoir

I never want to forget that day. I was on my stomach, hiding under my mom's bed, barely breathing, so I didn't make a sound. I felt my shirt getting wet. I peed without knowing it, I was so scared. And it was spreading under me. My body was also shivering, not from being wet, but from this fear. What if he smells me under here? Peeing was a stupid thing to do. But I didn't even know I did it. I didn't even know I did the other thing today either, before it was too late.

From under the bed, I could see two pairs of feet. That was all. One, my mom's bare feet, nervously hopping up and down, stepping one foot over another, toes crunching and uncrunching. The other pair, his, my mom's present boyfriend, Jake. They were large, black, high top basketball shoes, Adidas. The one's you pay over a hundred bucks for, way too much. But that was Jake. Everything was too much with him. Everything was for him.

My mom was crying. Nothing new there, either. She was always crying from something. This time, she had a right, because she was crazy scared, too. I had seen Jake mad before, but this topped it all. He was screaming his head off. I couldn't see him or my mom, but I could imagine. His face was all red and sweaty. And his arms were hanging down by the side of his body, with his hands in fists, clenching and unclenching, too. Tears were running down my mom's face, and she was swiping at the crud coming from her nose. Her eye was probably real red and getting swollen by now. He hit her hard when he came in looking for me.

"Where is that brat? I'll kill that kid."

"I don't know, Jake. Really."

"Yeah, really. Like you said you'd really help me today, and then chickened out. Just like you always do. Damn it. I almost got caught. And your kid saw it all."

My mom was in the pleading stage, now. "She won't say anything…" I could hear my mom almost saying, "really," but stopping mid word. "She didn't even know anything about it. I didn't tell her anything, promise. I never do. Leave her alone, please. She was just on the way home from school. Jake, she's only 10."

"Old enough to know what she seen. Old enough to tell people, to call the cops."

"Jake, why would she do that?"

"Your kid hates me. That's why. She'd do anything to get me out of here."

He was right on that. God, my mom brought home losers all the time, but this guy was the biggest. He came on to her one night at the club when she was serving tables. A lot of guys come on to my mom. She was pretty. Well, she used to be much more pretty, but the bruises were starting to make her face look pretty bad. She was only 16 when she had me. Got knocked up by some guy the first time she did it. And he was long gone before he even had his pants up.

I gave her credit. She did all she could to take care of me. Worked all the time. We had fun together, when she was home and not with some loser like Jake. Somehow she always thought that "this guy is going to be different, really." One guy, Ross, was different. I 'really' liked him. He actually treated both of us nice. Took us out to dinner sometimes. Even bought my mom flowers once. She cried then, too, but that was a good cry. I was also trying not to cry. It wasn't very often that something good happened for my mom.

But then one night I heard them arguing. That was something new. They never argued. Maybe got a little angry at each other, but then quickly kissed and made up. It was nice when they did that. Like in a movie or something. I got out of bed and walked into the other room, and my mom told me to go back to bed. Said she would talk to me in the morning. That was different, too. Usually she'd let me sit between the two of them when they cuddled up together on the sofa.

The next morning, mom was at the table crying. "Where's Ross?" I asked.

"Gone."

"Gone to work?"

"No, just gone."

I was angry. I know I hurt her, but I was hurt. "What did you do wrong this time, mom?"

She flinched. "Nothing. He decided to go back to his wife. She went to see him yesterday. Said she wanted to give it one more try. Said their kids missed him a lot. She missed him a lot. I tried to get him to stay. He had told me so many bad stories about her. He said he never would go back with her. but, sometimes you just have to do what you don't want to do. He loves his kids."

"But, he said he loved you and me, too."

"I know. but, it's different. They're married. They're their kids." As soon as she said that, I knew she was sorry. "Honey, I never loved you any less because it was just you and me. You know that. You are my princess." She always called me that. Something I said or did when I was a baby.

I started crying then. I wanted it to work out with Ross. "I really liked Ross."

"Me, too, honey."

After that, she was with a couple of guys, but Jake was the worst of them all. She said she liked having a guy around. Liked having someone around at night when she got home. Maybe she just was trying to find another Ross. Who knew? but, that wasn't Jake. He hit her all the time. And today, he was angry enough to hurt her more than ever.

"Listen, I can't stay around here if I know she's going to talk. I'm not safe. She's one of those do good kids. Always saying, something is not right. Shouldn't' do this. Shouldn't do that. You tell me where she's at, or I'm going to leave you forever. I mean it."

"Hey, don't go. I'll talk to her later. You'll see. She doesn't even know what she saw."

"She saw me coming out of that house and loading up the van with their stuff. She's not that dumb. If you had been around like you were supposed to, you would have seen her coming."

"She could have thought you were helping them move or something."

"Right. And I'm Santa Clause. I mean it. When I head out that door, I'm gone for good." He started walking toward the door.