What Makes People Change

.....person to change their ways when they are doing things you think are wrong? Can we force them to be moral, or is that just like forcing someone to be free? It is often said that people do not change. This is often very frustrating in relationships. It is very tempting to try to talk or nag someone into changing, but this is rarely effective.

A good example of this is a parent trying to convince a child to clean up his or her room or to get ready for school on time. The parent may wheedle, whine, and cajole the child every single day and occasionally the child will comply out of annoyance but the child will never act willingly.

If the parent is away, the child will likely spitefully leave his or her room messy and when the child leaves for college the child's room will likely look like a hazardous waste area. The child will not have changed, the child will simply be obeying the parent out of duty. This is also the case with trying to motivate an employee. It is far easier to hire an employee who is willing and qualified to do the work versus an employee who is attempting to shirk his duties.

A supervisor can exert additional effort to make sure an employee who is unmotivated will perform his duties but this will not change the employee's fundamental character. Perhaps small changes may be possible if someone misunderstands a direction or needs additional guidance at the beginning but an employee's character cannot be changed by sheer force of will. This statement about the difficulty of forcing someone to change is compounded when someone has a biologically-related problem.

When someone is addicted to drugs, the ways in which addiction changes the hard-wiring of someone' brain can be so powerful, the motivation of pleasing a loved one, even the loss of a job, seems insignificant. This is also true of a child with ADHD. Simply ordering someone to do something when it goes against biological instincts is not enough. There must also be a deep and fundamental motivation to change, especially if the change is physically difficult. No one can instill that motivation and will in another person.

People can support the change that takes place within others but that change cannot be imposed upon others and consciously willed if the other individual does not want to grow and change. Of course, some people do change themselves of their own free will. They get fit, lose weight, stop using drugs and alcohol, or improve their grades. But although they may need assistance to make those changes, they must have an active role in helping that change take place.

Occasionally, another person can make them see the value in changing and uncover hidden motivations but the seeds of motivation must be planted in fertile soil. This is also true regarding morality. Sometimes people may be mistaken, such as when they do not understand using hurtful language in jest is not seen as humorous by the person they are talking about. A good example of this is the epithet "retarded" which not everyone understands is a slur.

But if someone genuinely wants to hurt another person, it is very difficult to engage in effective dialogue. This does not mean it is futile to encourage them to see the world from someone else's perspective but.