Children of Divorce and How They Can be Helped

¶ … Divorce on Children Children of divorce can be negatively impacted by the separation of parents and the concomitant stress associated with the parents' relationship. These negative effects can range from mild cases to extreme, and can differ according to gender and age (i.e., development level of the child).

External factors also play a part in the degree of the effect of the divorce, such as socioeconomic conditions of the family, integration in the community/society, the social behavior of the child, interaction with siblings/peers, and the level of continued involvement of the parents in the life of the child.

Children of divorce can be assisted through various types of therapy, such as Art Therapy and Play Therapy, both of which help to facilitate cognitive and emotional skills within the child, as the two sides of the child's brain develop (the logical and the emotional side). Narratives are particularly helpful in that they can be repeated and thus assist the repetitive nature of the developmental process through which children go. From a Biblical standpoint, divorce is roundly discouraged, and the importance of protecting children is underscored by the Apostles.

Adults are encouraged to allow children to go to Christ in the Bible and adults who stand in the way of a child's positive development are viewed as agents of malevolence, who are better off being cast aside entirely.

Overall, children of divorce can suffer long-lasting negative effects, but these effects can be reduced if various conditions are met -- including the direct and consistent involvement of parents, positive relationships, guidance, and interaction, and proper educative methods that promote whole-brain development of the child, allowing for proper coping mechanisms to be effected over time. Introduction As Joshi, Connelly and Rosenberg (2014) note, families consist of a social structure that depends upon consistency, stability, and principled foundations in order for the growth and development of the family members to occur.

When the family unit is disrupted, normative development becomes an issue. In the case of divorce, the infrastructure provided by a two-parent household is diminished as one spouse separates his or herself from the rest of the family. This is typically the outcome of an extremely stressful relationship between spouses in the household, and in some ways the stress and events leading up to the divorce are just as impactful on children in the household as the divorce itself (Strohschein, 2012).

Taken as a whole, the subject of divorce and its effect on children will be discussed in this paper, with a biblical perspective being utilized to provide a Christian context for the issue and how various forms of therapy can help children of divorce overcome developmental challenges. Findings There is no one single way in which children across the board are impacted by divorce. Every case of divorce, just like every family and every child, is unique.

Socioeconomic conditions of the family, roles, values, beliefs, and customs as well as expectations are all factors that play a part in the way that divorce affects the child's development. As Siegel and Bryson (2012) observe, "our brain has many different parts with different jobs" and, when it comes to children, their brains are still in the developmental stage -- and everything they encounter in their environment has a say in that development process (p. 6).

Thus, the amount of stress that a child undergoes will naturally have a consequence on the child's psychosocial growth (Sandstrom, Huerta, 2013). These findings are consistent with older research as well. For instance, Wallerstein (1991) shows that divorce can have long-term negative effects on children. The effects are noticed not only in psychological terms (ranging from insecurity to self-loathing) but also in social terms (such as withdrawal, anti-social behavior, etc.). And Amato and Bruce (1991) indicate the same with their study from the same period.

Likewise, the study performed by Hetherington, Cox and Cox (1985) shows that the negative effects of divorce are long-lasting (their study followed subjects for up to six years post-divorce) and that certain negative impacts are specific to gender (boys are affected more negatively by divorce than girls -- however, boys are better at stabilizing externally, while girls are better at stabilizing internally). What these older studies show is that today's recent research is in line with similar findings from the previous decades.

In other words, little has changed in the way of our understanding of how divorce impacts children: the ramifications are still clearly negative overall. However, what does differ between the subjects of decades ago and today's subjects is that divorce is more common, and the extenuating circumstances surrounding divorce are amplified and of equal if not more importance, according to today's researchers (Sandstrom, Huerta, 2013).

One highlighted case of the extreme effects of divorce has been noted in the case of Adam Lanza, the 20-year-old Newtown shooter, whose parents had divorced when he was a child; Shapiro and Noe (2015) point out the "long-term effects of their divorce" on Adam, compounded by poor judgment in the handling of his deteriorating mental and social condition, which led to an elementary school massacre (p. 12).

This is, of course, not the typical outcome for children of divorce, but it does draw attention to extreme possibilities, especially in the case of children who already exhibit elements of psychological distress -- as Adam did prior to his parents' separation.

One of the main issues that impacted Adam's psychosocial development was the isolation that he experienced in the wake of his parents' separation: without brothers or sisters and with minimal contact with the outside world, Adam was mainly raised by his mother, who felt increasingly "at her wit's end," uncertain about how to "protect" him from both the outside world and from his more frequent fits of hysteria whenever it came time to leave his room (Stone, 2015; Wachtel, Shorter, 2013).

The fact that Adam had essentially been denied a dual-parenting familial system only served to exacerbate his condition: as Rice and Hoffman (2014) note, such violent outbursts by "post-adolescent young manles must be understood from a developmental perspective...such killings occur as the result of the adolescent's frustrated effort to progress along normative development" (p. 183).

In other words, the trauma related to his parents' stressful relationship and ultimate divorce, which Adam experienced throughout his childhood, played a major role in the stymieing of his developmental process -- leading, tragically, to an explosive outcome. The study by Farrell, Mays, Henry and Schoeny (2011) indicates that parents are essential role players in the positive development of children -- especially during the adolescent phase, when children's environments are expanding and new obstacles, feelings, and experiences being encountered by the child.

The child's body and mind are changing during this phase, and parents can act as moderators -- i.e., as helpers to the child during the transition. This help can come in the form of parental love, guidance, advice, expectations, discipline, admonition, motivation, support, shelter, friendship and education (Farrell et al., 2011). Essentially, a dual-parent familial system provides a gender-based context for the child, with examples of outcomes of the maturation process being demonstrated daily by the parents themselves to the child.

In a family that has not suffered divorce, the parental unit is whole and balanced; in a family that has suffered divorce, the evidence exists to show that in such a situation, the child is more likely to demonstrate lower well-being across various factors, from sociality to self-confidence to emotional and cognitive control (Amato, Bruce, 1991). Still, this is not to suggest that all divorces are the same; extreme cases such as that of Adam Lanza are few and far between.

Moreover, there are external factors that play as much a role in the development of the child as the stress that comes with divorcing parents. For instance, socioeconomic status, school situation, peers, involvement in activities outside the home, integration with the family, and relationships between the child and the parents are all elements that impact the child's development (Amato, Bruce, 1991).

Added to this is the argument of Siegel and Bryson (2012) that a child is never solely overwhelmed or handicapped by a single, isolated event; on the contrary, a "child's brain is constantly being wired and rewired" by experience (p. 7). In short, it is the sum of experience that impacts a child's development; and the repetition of events and the reinforcing of negative (stressful) or positive (loving) environments is really what goes into shaping a child's development overall.

As Tartari (2015) observes, the cognitive achievement of children tends to suffer when their parents divorce. The cause for this correlation (divorce and declining cognitive skills in children) is one in which Tartari (2015) views the parents as becoming less invested in the lives of their children as their own lives now pull them in different directions. For divorcing parents, the literal separation from the home creates a physical barrier to investment (in terms of time, care, proximity, guidance).

Children who split time between parents are more likely to enjoy a parent's investment in their lives, so long as the time is spent fruitfully, with both parties engaged in one another's lives. However, the difficulty with this arrangement is that the child is aware of a divide between parents that serves to exacerbate their own cognitive proclivity to overcome obstacles and reduce dissonance (Tartari, 2015).

For a child who is still developing a framework or perspective by which to view the world and his/her own relation to it, this challenge of dissociation between parents can be significantly damaging for the child's overall cognitive development.

The Biblical Perspective From a Biblical perspective, divorce is roundly condemned -- specifically for the "violence" it does to those who should be sheltered by the loving relationship of the two parents: thus one reads from in the Old Testament in the Malachi 2:16, "The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect." The idea that husband and wife are become two in one flesh upon marriage, as Mark reminds the faithful followers of Christ (Mark 10:8), is pivotal in the arrangement of the family -- for it is from this union that children come, and, as Mark observes in the next verse, "What God has joined together, let no one separate" (Mark 10:9).

In other words, divorce is not an option for Christians who seek to follow the New Testament directive of the Apostles. The reason for this directive, of course, is apparent in the rest of the Christian doctrine on the family, as illustrated throughout the Bible. The main purpose of life, according to the Bible, is that every individual move towards Christ and does the will of God.

Thus, when a couple divorces, it does "violence" as the Old Testament says to the family unit -- the one that should be protected and preserved so that it can develop and grow and contribute not just to society but to the life of the Church overall.

As Christ likewise admonishes His followers to "let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them!" (Matthew 19:14), it is clear that in this context divorce can serve as a hindrance because it takes away from the totality of the family unit that is meant to serve as the foundation for the development of the child -- not just psychosocially but also spiritually, from the Biblical perspective. A couple who divorces ends up pulling the children in different directions, spatially, emotionally, psychologically, physically and even spiritually.

What they should be doing is serving as a united front for the children, showing the way to Christ through their own Christ-like behavior. If parents themselves lack the faith, however, then they may have difficulty fulfilling their marital vows and upholding their end of the relationship.

It is a very serious situation, that of marriage and the rearing of children -- and one not to be taken lightly, especially when it comes to the engendering of the faith, as Mark points out: "If anyone causes one of these little ones -- those who believe in me -- to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea" (Mark 9:42).

Much of the Bible is, moreover, filled with parables -- stories that are used to teach the followers of Christ how they should see themselves and see the point of their lives in the light of Christ. Stories, such as Prodigal Son and others, are helpful in conveying the idea that God wants people to take to heart. This is relevant to the development of children because, as Siegel and Bryson (2012) note, children respond to stories and rely upon them as supports throughout their development process.

Siegel and Bryson (2012) state that "telling stories to calm big emotions" can be a highly effective method of counseling and teaching children about how to respond to life's challenges (p. 27). Children, as they grow, develop the two sides of their brains -- the the thinking and logical side and the feeling and emotional side. Many times, the emotional side will take precedence over the thinking side -- for example, in the display of irrational fears, anger, jealousy or pettiness.

However, stories told by adults whether orally or in various media form can help children to process information and encourage the two sides of their brains to interact. Stories that are repeated and told again and again promote this development and help the child to move from having an emotional response to life to having a thoughtful response that includes the other side of the brain as well. This is a type of story-telling counseling that parents and guardians can employ to help children to grow and develop properly.

That the Bible promotes this kind of counseling is all too evident in its usage of the parable as well as by the fact that the four Gospels essentially tell the same story of the life of Christ four different times in four subtly different ways. The repetition of the narrative with various key points in the life of Christ emphasized along the way are helpful, thus, to adults -- just as stories told and repeated again and again are helpful to children.

Effective Forms of Therapy In the case of divorce, story-telling can be an effective way to help children to cope with the issues, stress, and emotions that they experience as a result of the separation of the parents. This is a finding that has historical roots in research, with studies by Drake (1979) and Early (1993) showing how stories, allegorical tales, and the highlighting of themes can help serve as coping mechanisms for children of divorce. Today, these methods are incorporated into strategies, such as Art Therapy and Psychosocial Stimulation.

As Harpaz (2014) notes, story-telling is a fundamental part of human nature and it is a process that is "well-founded in narrative theory, phenomenology, psychoanalytic theory, trauma studies and aesthetics." Thus, in the realm of Art Therapy, counselors can engage children to bridge gaps in their interior development by making connections through story between the mind, the emotions, and the body's actions (Harpaz, 2014).

Likewise, Watts, Oburu, Lah, Hunt and Rhodes (2016) show that "singing, play, dancing and story-telling" are all effective forms of psychosocial stimulation that help children to overcome developmental challenges (p. 1840). In the case of divorce, such stimulating exercises promote the faculties of the child and provide pleasant distraction that grounds the child in a place that is immediate, tangible and appropriate to his/her age and developmental level in that it engages the mind and body in exercises that reinforce mental and physical growth.

While these exercises might not have a cathartic effect in the same way that drama does for adults, they create an atmosphere for the child to behave, think and act like a child, free of the external stresses that negatively impact his/her internality. Another form of therapy that aligns itself with the overall ideas of Siegel and Bryson (2012) and the idea that children need to be children is the concept of Play Therapy. Mahalle, Zakaria and Nawi (2014) show that moral.